Search found 219 matches
- Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:58 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: The Grate Communicator (was The Art of ...)
- Replies: 8
- Views: 575
Re: The Art of the Deal
Well done. Wasn't it covefe? I only wonder that it's so short. You must have a fine editor.
- Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:47 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Checkout
- Replies: 8
- Views: 546
Re: Checkout
The problem, I think, is that the opening lines promise what's not delivered - vivid, pageant, fascinated. Unless you're just intending to be ironic. But then, I'd say the characters are neither interesting or mundane enough to make much of an impression.
- Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:31 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Encounter.
- Replies: 9
- Views: 898
Re: Pink-Moon
Lines 2-6 are fine, the rest doesn't move me much. Calling the poem pink-moon and then referring only to its silveriness seems rather perverse.
Tiptoes - one word, I think.
Tiptoes - one word, I think.
- Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:22 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Anything Goes
- Replies: 2
- Views: 325
Anything Goes
She was a seasonal beast who slept through the summer; I checked pockets and sleeves to flesh out a drama and discovered that she hadn’t any clothes apart from the bruises on leaves and on clouds, the subtle contusions and those screaming loud when the hammer is brought down upon the toes. As each w...
- Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:59 pm
- Forum: Poetry Discussion
- Topic: Avant garde Poetry
- Replies: 3
- Views: 1605
Re: Avant garde Poetry
Hello. Ray has asked me to reply on his behalf. He says to tell you he's busy burying a dead dog at present. I enquired if it was really necessary to mention that the dog was dead, would that not speak for itself? Ray shouted and threw something at me. It wasn't a fish. He feels, and I am summarisin...
- Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:23 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
- Replies: 17
- Views: 1897
Re: Hands Down - no. 2
Thanks, David. Where do you think the revision is worse?David wrote:Can I just say IPTO? I know I do that, to the point of self-parody (hi Mac!), but there are usually sound reasons for it.
I think you've lost something in your revision.
Cheers
David
- Wed Nov 23, 2016 10:37 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
- Replies: 17
- Views: 1897
Re: Hands Down - no. 2
Thanks, Seth. The stuff about the hearts breaking is just to show that empathy was attained. I'd already removed Once wrought, in my head at least, and there's a few other minor adjustments.
- Sun Nov 20, 2016 1:24 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy
- Replies: 26
- Views: 2978
Re: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy
I don't see what cottages have to do with it - but that may be my ignorance. I think the penultimate line is slightly better.
- Sun Nov 20, 2016 1:18 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
- Replies: 17
- Views: 1897
Re: Hands Down - no. 2
Thanks, David. It's a good film, worth watching, even if the ending can be seen coming before the adverts have finished. God, I'm sick of this world, though, every day a defeat, it feels like life has somehow become Villa's final Premiership season.
- Thu Nov 17, 2016 5:27 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Handkerchief Tree (revision)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 3234
Re: Handkerchief Tree (revision)
Nice ending, suspended tears before the drop. Personally, I prefer the original, but without these inversions like
They kneel, the latest mourners,
The latest mourners kneel is fine. And
If only the mourners glanced up...
They kneel, the latest mourners,
The latest mourners kneel is fine. And
If only the mourners glanced up...
- Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:34 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy
- Replies: 26
- Views: 2978
Re: Insomnia: a sovereign remedy
Great title and I like the ambition. L like lines 5-8 best, I think you could stick an a before panoply, its absence is more noticeable than its presence would be. What don't I like - quotidianly welcome, especially in brackets. Some of the rhymes don't work too well, though Georges/hearses shouldn'...
- Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:57 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Nom de Plume
- Replies: 8
- Views: 1304
Re: Nom de Plume
Parthenogenetic
progeny, prodded
into the world
to take blame and abuse
for a coy creator.
That's the best passage, I think. I don't think the final couplet makes a great ending.
progeny, prodded
into the world
to take blame and abuse
for a coy creator.
That's the best passage, I think. I don't think the final couplet makes a great ending.
- Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:46 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
- Replies: 17
- Views: 1897
Re: Hands Down
Thanks, k-j. Corrections made.
- Wed Nov 16, 2016 5:00 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Hands Down - no. 2
- Replies: 17
- Views: 1897
Hands Down - no. 2
Revision I heard the sniffles start before halfway, I thought. We broke with one heart then rose to applaud. Sure, I’d like to swing a right at this tightfisted state after watching the demise of I, Daniel Blake . Just like ten years before and Fahrenheit 9/11 . We stood for Michael Moore and haven’...
- Thu Oct 27, 2016 3:28 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Teeth
- Replies: 5
- Views: 826
Re: Teeth
Thanks, Cynwulf.
- Thu Oct 27, 2016 3:26 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Scene through the kitchen window
- Replies: 11
- Views: 1628
Re: Scene through the kitchen window
Another Donald Trump poem?
- Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:21 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Teeth
- Replies: 5
- Views: 826
Re: Teeth
Thanks, Moth. Perhaps you're right, but I'll probably change more than that.Moth wrote:Excellent thinking there, Pen, and what a thought! Will remember this for sure. Who've would read better as who imo.
- Thu Oct 27, 2016 7:51 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Extracts from an Unwritten Journal
- Replies: 6
- Views: 950
Re: Extracts from an Unwritten Journal
Very moving. The opening couple of lines are unnecessary, I think. I'd go for Peppa Pig, though.I feel very stupid saying this, but I don't get this plump up your duvet stuff.
- Thu Oct 27, 2016 7:41 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Inheritance (formerly entitled Legacy) - Rev. IV
- Replies: 23
- Views: 2401
Re: Legacy
Legacy I have my mother’s hands, thick and coarse, fit for pulling yams from the field. I have her broad shoulders, used to carry wash and babies - washing, maybe. I was expecting carry wash and dry! to and from the creek. My legs are short like hers but strong as Ash created - why capitalise ash? ...
- Wed Oct 26, 2016 3:55 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Teeth
- Replies: 5
- Views: 826
Teeth
If only they’d known - those poor fellows
who’ve protested when up in front of the beak,
that she appeared to be much older
than sixteen. If they knew they’d been looking
in all the wrong places, then of course,
they would never have gone there at all.
who’ve protested when up in front of the beak,
that she appeared to be much older
than sixteen. If they knew they’d been looking
in all the wrong places, then of course,
they would never have gone there at all.
- Fri Oct 21, 2016 8:21 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: If You Cannot Bring Good News
- Replies: 9
- Views: 1244
Re: If You Cannot Bring Good News
Thanks, Grace. Very kind of you. The title is meant to be tenseless, I guess, in the nature of an adage. If you cannot bring good news, don't bring any.
- Fri Oct 21, 2016 7:34 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: The Summer You Left, Revision 3
- Replies: 25
- Views: 2939
Re: The Summer You Left
Hello Grace. I like the beginning and end. I think the 2nd stanza needs trimming a lot, it seems unnecessarily complicated. The Summer You Left, - you don't need the comma ...........................Was hot. I dressed with care. I wore a shirt and shorts and even shoes - why even shoes? Like you wou...
- Thu Oct 20, 2016 1:51 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: If You Cannot Bring Good News
- Replies: 9
- Views: 1244
Re: If You Cannot Bring Good News
New title, some alterations to the poem. I still don't like it.
- Thu Oct 20, 2016 10:15 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: If You Cannot Bring Good News
- Replies: 9
- Views: 1244
Re: How did it feel?
Thanks, Kris, moth and Grace.
Of a kind - means of a common type, nothing special.
The ending isn't referring to adoption, more of a passing on of a baton, or ladle, even.
But I shall try to do something about the ending, anyhow.
Of a kind - means of a common type, nothing special.
The ending isn't referring to adoption, more of a passing on of a baton, or ladle, even.
But I shall try to do something about the ending, anyhow.
- Thu Oct 20, 2016 10:04 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: The Visitor
- Replies: 7
- Views: 1195
Re: The Visitor
I'm drawn in by your visuals, Camus. I’m trying to think what sort of animal this might be. A weasel or a fox might account for how you feel about him but I can’t figure out what makes him not waste a moment in coming. To glim, it seems—lovely word, by the way. Jackie I wondered if the subject is a...