The Poets' Graves Workshop

Hi Trevor As I understand it, N at first feels resentful that this child is verging on walking when N no longer can/now cannot, but later finds enlightenment or release in this…what? Spiritual connection? As you say, you could write only about the child, but this too is a very engaging topic. To me,...

Suzanne, this has the gentle feel of Roberta Flack singing, "Jesse, Come Home." Would you consider dropping the first two lines and starting the poem with the third line? I stumble on by describing the vessel rather than pointing out its lack of content. . How about shortening it to "by describing t...

JJ, to me there is a huge difference in the overall impression between the original and revised version. The original seemed like a controlled child's book illustration, framed, enclosed. The second is wide open, and the door with the detail of people becomes a secret revelation on the edge of a mas...

Anongirl, thank you for posting this. My sympathy for your loss. I do agree with Perry's suggestions, especially where he says the first step is to ask yourself if you're writing for yourself or for another audience. I'm a firm believer in using journals to get the pain out and clarify my thinking e...

Not, Jules and David, thank you so much for giving me your help and impressions. Not, thanks for your specific suggestions for me to consider. Jules, you may be giving me a tad more credit that I deserve! Hope if I stretch, I reach that far! David, so honored you like it. And does it reach beyond th...

Thanks for your comments, Ray and Mac, they help a lot. Yes, Scrabble. It's just my own uncommon way of playing it: I'm not into scores and absolutely love games where unusual words, coaxed out of nothing planned, predominate. I don't get along with Scrabble masters who know all the winning strategi...

does changing the second statement to a question have an effect?

Making it a question changes the mood quite a bit, in my opinion. It implies some kind of protest or action is coming.

Jackie

I found this delightful, Ray, and kept tasting fetching Mrs Shelley’s shopping over and over—did you consider it as your title? I'd choose S1 as the stronger, maybe because "even though" and "as well" and the last line are less compact or special. I'm not talking about the content of the last line—t...

Hi Trevor, I enjoyed this read. Two things nagged at me. One was the point of view—"you" seemed to refer to changeable people. I thought the reason might be that each room was more closely linked to the structure than who inhabited it, but it didn't seem so. The other was the hope that this was not ...

It's very haiku-like in its 2-statement form, its contemplation and its reach into the universe.

Jackie

These are the games I forfeit. I extend a real word to the east (though less mighty than I’d like) and watch for your move as we build our gallery. But you slap scat alongside me first top and then bottom. On my branch reaching west you plop the unpronounceable. Round the board you pursue me: where ...

we don’t plan
doorways
or sneezes
how to be out
yes
and how to be in
but what happens
in the betweens
is figmental
mask up well
for the surreal flip

Jules, I'm so grateful for all the thought you put into this critique. It's given me lots to think about.

Jackie

Not, my understanding of Unsung is that something ought to be sung. The direct question in line 1 is more involved in their cause, and "thirsting and footsore" altogether more sympathetic.

You seem to be championing the cause of these people, who are perhaps refugees; unlanded emigrants?

Jackie

Intriguing, Not. I wonder why you decided not to give it a title. Without one, I guess I’ll head for a parallel universe where “they” hear what’s in ours. I haven’t figured out yet how to get lost in your own tongue, though.

Jackie

Thanks so much Not, Poet, Perry, Mac, Tristan, JJ and Ray! Your questions and comments have been very helpful.

I've posted a 2nd version above, that I hope works better.

Jackie

Tristan, I like that you distinguish the two-fold task of writing, and connect them with the properties of snow: it obscures clear vision, it's expansive, and the excitement of it melts away, leaving you with who you are.

So thoughtful.
Jackie

I would cut cut lines 15-18, to me it reads better,

I agree with Tony on this point. These lines are a letdown from "on a regular basis," which I loved.

Much enjoyed!
Jackie

I find this captivating, Mac. She seems to have lived a life of enabling birds. And it seems her life took an abrupt turn from risk-taking to safe, apparently at the moment so many starlings fatally mistook a shiny, wet path for a lake. Making her the topic of the poem forefronts the shock people fe...

Version 2 He was trim, a tall man who wore spats, a fact hidden now as family snaps trained on his laughter, caught on the fly. Boys then all longed to be traveling salesmen but where’s the kudos with no frames? He’s not named in civic rosters. At home, he made art from wood. We recently reupholster...

Hi bjondon

I see this as a kind of found poem: by loosely pronouncing place names, you have woven them into a text. I think I need a few more readings to interpret the meaning of the text. "Little" seems to be a key word in the title.

Later,
Jackie

Hi Martin, I like the atmosphere you are building here, and I agree with Ray that I can hear the outside calling its shroud down is a wonderful line. I found you're message confusing—going from peace to autumn breezes bringing life, and then back to stillness and then unexpectedly in the end, melanc...

Hi Martin, Could this be a bit too brief? I see it saying that two naked people in proximity can produce the same result as a visit to an analyst. It's an interesting comment on a process, but a process getting from what problem to what result? I don't get a sense of place, or of what you felt like ...

Hi Liliaea, and welcome. Your poem reads aloud well, like a thoughtful statement. It seems to be in four verses, although they're not separated. Each verse names one of the four astrological elements. Does the line following each of these statements explain how that element affects humans? It's in t...

Darkness nudges the parking-lot light posts awake, and a wizened man limps out as if going home, dressed in half-clothes layered against the wind. His left knee knocks his coffle chain. Wonderously he finds shopping carts ensconced behind snow gusts. He aligns them, weaves his chain from aft clear t...