Thank you Mac, Ray and T,
It looks like this needs some work. I'll be back!
Jackie
Search found 1176 matches
- Fri Oct 23, 2020 9:39 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: January 4th
- Replies: 4
- Views: 632
- Wed Oct 21, 2020 8:21 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Love or Gas
- Replies: 8
- Views: 749
Re: Love or Gas
Perry, To me, the hardest thing in the world to do is to write when I'm low! If you can do that, maybe it's a good time to build up a group of early drafts and feedback to work on later. I also see many elements of a good poem here. A line of yours that I really like is I have, after all, started wr...
- Wed Oct 21, 2020 7:58 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Cycles
- Replies: 6
- Views: 880
Re: Cycles
Trevor, For whatever reason I fastened on a lump (of clothes) growing increasingly hard under her arm (S1), and equating loss of the clothes to a burial (S5). You seem to continue the idea that the clothes and she are one as she feels massaged in S2. I like S4 a lot. S5 leaves me with a lot of quest...
- Wed Oct 21, 2020 2:24 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: January 4th
- Replies: 4
- Views: 632
January 4th
He meets the scene visit of our Christmas burglary outside. Our former yardmen dismount and fall at his feet. “Tears can't apply,” he says like they aren’t men anymore. Amadu in his undershirt and neat, neat Sie dressed in screeching dirt. Like ghosts they trace what stood that night in each now dus...
- Mon Oct 19, 2020 1:43 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Seasonal Adjustment
- Replies: 7
- Views: 648
Re: Seasonal Adjustment
Hi Eira, I enjoy so much of the imagery in this poem, but I stumble on the grammar. In S1, are the swallows curling? If it is the reeds that are curling, then surely in the next sentence, it is the reeds that are congregating? If it is the birds, then they congregate, swing, and flock, don't they? W...
- Sat Oct 03, 2020 4:52 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Maple
- Replies: 7
- Views: 1616
Re: Maple
Thank you Mac, Not, Trevor and Ray for giving me so many aspects to work on. I actually used "veil" as a synonym for shroud, without thinking of it in connection to a wedding, but I like the drama that brings. I need to work on this.
I thought you'd like to see what inspired it:
I thought you'd like to see what inspired it:
- Wed Sep 30, 2020 3:03 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Maple
- Replies: 7
- Views: 1616
Maple
She wore her shroud for me
that last day we had together,
and with the slightest of shrugs
the burnt-orange wrap drifted,
barely touching her bareness,
on down upon me.
Through the winter it was her body
I recalled, not the trembling
orange veil fallen at her feet.
that last day we had together,
and with the slightest of shrugs
the burnt-orange wrap drifted,
barely touching her bareness,
on down upon me.
Through the winter it was her body
I recalled, not the trembling
orange veil fallen at her feet.
- Sat Sep 19, 2020 12:40 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Not Being Here
- Replies: 3
- Views: 1097
Not Being Here
The car ahead turns right on red. She moves into place, checks nails, combs fingers through hair. Crouch. Watch. Crouch-leap sideways. Again. She’s off! She stole second! On down the road still tingling she’ll be tagged she recites It’s allowed, turning right on red; allowed now . Like Mom’s certifi...
- Mon Aug 03, 2020 12:11 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: A Voice in the Light
- Replies: 3
- Views: 2157
Re: A Voice in the Light
I enjoyed reading this, Namyh. One thing about writing traditionally though, is that it doesn't leave you any leeway to play around with metrics and rhyme patterns. You look here like you're finding that too confining. Are you sure you don't want to venture into contemporary poetry?
Jackie
Jackie
- Sun Aug 02, 2020 7:53 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Questions
- Replies: 9
- Views: 1571
Re: Questions
I like the sense of stream of consciousness, its liquidity, Thanks, Mac. Hearing from others that something I've written has "an original slant" or "liquidity" encourages me. I usually like to collect comments and swish them around in my mouth for a while to see if they're my voice before doing any...
- Sun Aug 02, 2020 7:26 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Questions
- Replies: 9
- Views: 1571
Re: Questions
Thank you so much Tristan, Not and Mac for your thoughtful ideas.
Mac, the number of times I've heard "I prefer the original" has convinced me I'm a lousy reviser. Nonetheless, I revise.
See above.
Jackie
Mac, the number of times I've heard "I prefer the original" has convinced me I'm a lousy reviser. Nonetheless, I revise.

Jackie
- Sun Jul 26, 2020 5:30 pm
- Forum: Post Visual Art
- Topic: Sidewalks & Mermaids
- Replies: 3
- Views: 2529
Re: Sidewalks & Mermaids
Let's see, Lotus. Sidewalks are inanimate and enclosing—they define where you can be. The ashtray (I'm calling it) is these things. Mermaids are alive, sensual, enticing, and the ripe tomato is these things. Yet their textures and colors and surfaces and shapes show even the inanimate and the alive ...
- Wed Jul 22, 2020 4:22 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Questions
- Replies: 9
- Views: 1571
Re: Questions
Thank you, Not and Tristan, for taking the time to review this and picking up on those things I didn’t see. I’m posting a version 2—still a work in progress. As you say, Tristan, I’m suspending conventions; this poem takes place in survival mode and caps and commas don’t live there. I appreciate you...
- Tue Jul 21, 2020 11:08 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Translation
- Topic: The Gun and The Heart - La Pistola y el Corazón
- Replies: 11
- Views: 3269
Re: The Gun and The Heart - La Pistola y el Corazón
Amadis, may I make some translation suggestions? I don’t know how to tell you I don’t know how to explain to you There is no cure For how I feel For how I feel The moon tells me do one thing The stars tell me to do another And the light of day sings to me This sad song This sad song Those kisses you...
- Tue Jul 21, 2020 1:00 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Uncertain Form In The Morning
- Replies: 3
- Views: 940
Re: Uncertain Form In The Morning
Amadis,
Why don't you edit your first post by placing this new version on top of it, and calling the original poem, version 1. That way, we can all see from the list that you have posted something new.
Jackie
Why don't you edit your first post by placing this new version on top of it, and calling the original poem, version 1. That way, we can all see from the list that you have posted something new.
Jackie
- Mon Jul 20, 2020 12:05 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Questions
- Replies: 9
- Views: 1571
Questions
Version 3 cashiers have stopped asking did you find everything all right ghost crowds down these aisles slaked their panic with paper buying skilled workers from abroad can’t get here to bring the harvest in new brands on the gap shelves sign me to want them instead isolated by the evening light I w...
- Sun Jul 19, 2020 6:15 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: The End to Slavery
- Replies: 4
- Views: 1499
Re: The End to Slavery
Poet, I hear your voice and your passion clearly in this piece. So right! The problem is horrific, pervasive, and systemic. As a poem, though, right from the title, it may have bitten off more than it can chew. How can you narrow the topic to make it more powerful? Can you focus on a single image fr...
- Sun Jul 19, 2020 5:52 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Childish
- Replies: 10
- Views: 1646
Re: NC
Not,
I enjoyed your conversion of nursery rhymes to taunts, but so far as political commentary goes, I try to keep to my own side of the pond.
Jackie
I enjoyed your conversion of nursery rhymes to taunts, but so far as political commentary goes, I try to keep to my own side of the pond.
Jackie
- Sun Jul 19, 2020 5:46 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Uncertain Form In The Morning
- Replies: 3
- Views: 940
Re: Uncertain Form In The Morning
Amadis, This poem propels me into the scene and I keep wanting to like it but can't quite get there because the images don't work for me. For example, how can haze be brutal sunshine? And how can haze have consequences? I try starting the poem with S2 which reads beautifully, assuming by "ken" you m...
- Sun Jul 19, 2020 5:07 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Cliche Tennis with Brian Adams
- Replies: 2
- Views: 747
Re: Cliche Tennis with Brian Adams
Amadis,
When this is read aloud, the ball is hit at regular intervals so there seem to be no misses, and I recognize the names of some of the songs, but I don't follow Bryan Adams so I think I'm missing a lot here.
Thanks for posting,
Jackie
When this is read aloud, the ball is hit at regular intervals so there seem to be no misses, and I recognize the names of some of the songs, but I don't follow Bryan Adams so I think I'm missing a lot here.
Thanks for posting,
Jackie
- Sat Jul 11, 2020 1:38 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: On Impressive Glass Doorways
- Replies: 3
- Views: 1173
Re: On Impressive Glass Doorways
Thank you, Amadis, this helps. I can see how the ending comes as a surprise.
Jackie
Jackie
- Sat May 16, 2020 5:58 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Baby Steps
- Replies: 8
- Views: 506
Re: Baby Steps
Hi Trevor As I understand it, N at first feels resentful that this child is verging on walking when N no longer can/now cannot, but later finds enlightenment or release in this…what? Spiritual connection? As you say, you could write only about the child, but this too is a very engaging topic. To me,...
- Mon May 11, 2020 11:34 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Spring in the Hollow
- Replies: 7
- Views: 983
Re: Spring in the Hollow
Suzanne, this has the gentle feel of Roberta Flack singing, "Jesse, Come Home." Would you consider dropping the first two lines and starting the poem with the third line? I stumble on by describing the vessel rather than pointing out its lack of content. . How about shortening it to "by describing t...
- Tue May 05, 2020 9:59 pm
- Forum: Post Visual Art
- Topic: The Durdle Door (revised)
- Replies: 11
- Views: 4384
Re: The Durdle Door (revised)
JJ, to me there is a huge difference in the overall impression between the original and revised version. The original seemed like a controlled child's book illustration, framed, enclosed. The second is wide open, and the door with the detail of people becomes a secret revelation on the edge of a mas...
- Sat May 02, 2020 1:06 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Beautiful Soul
- Replies: 4
- Views: 749
Re: Beautiful Soul
Anongirl, thank you for posting this. My sympathy for your loss. I do agree with Perry's suggestions, especially where he says the first step is to ask yourself if you're writing for yourself or for another audience. I'm a firm believer in using journals to get the pain out and clarify my thinking e...