Search found 85 matches

by byneothr
Sat Nov 07, 2015 8:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: I'm afraid she will speak the words
Replies: 4
Views: 684

Re: I'm afraid she will speak the words

Hello, thanks for the comments. Yes, the poem is about a relationship that the narrator is afraid will end with the next works spoken by his friend. "I’m afraid she will speak the words the ending of the play" I just meant that the "words" she will speak will end the play. The words themselves are "...
by byneothr
Thu Nov 05, 2015 8:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: I'm afraid she will speak the words
Replies: 4
Views: 684

I'm afraid she will speak the words

I’m afraid she will speak the words the ending of the play She has become the stuff of hopeful yearnings fog wishing a burning sun revealing the sparkling morning new beginnings mystery resolved Will this moment be the time of scattering birds carrying bits of looking back How long sadness bides ben...
by byneothr
Sun Jan 11, 2015 8:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: quiet as a hesitation
Replies: 8
Views: 986

Re: quiet as a hesitation

Hello. You know you're right, I hadn't thought of that. The "yes", "no", "try", "rest", were meant to show what was going on in the narrator's head. I'll get rid of those and change the display of the first verses so that they will look regular. I'll may also shape the last few lines. We'll see. Tha...
by byneothr
Sun Jan 11, 2015 8:20 am
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: haiku
Replies: 7
Views: 3019

Re: haiku

Thank you, David, Suzanne (I like your poems btw and wait for more), Antcliff, and Ross for the comments and questions. I was aware of the pivot and seasonal devices, but I hadn't learned about using the present tense. I read the article suggested from David, and encourage its reading. I believe tha...
by byneothr
Tue Jan 06, 2015 9:08 pm
Forum: Post Some Prose
Topic: I was watching an old fashioned black and white
Replies: 1
Views: 2110

I was watching an old fashioned black and white

I was watching an old fashioned black and white, bang-bang, shoot-em-up, cowboy movie on my game room screen. My youngest son had just joined me. I knew he had come downstairs to purposefully pull me away from whatever I was doing so that he and I could do whatever it was he wanted to do, more than ...
by byneothr
Tue Jan 06, 2015 2:01 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: quiet as a hesitation
Replies: 8
Views: 986

Re: quiet as a hesitation

Hello. This is a poem about the loneliness of someone attempting mastery of something. Like the samurai of Japan who lived in the mountains away from the towns and cities, who perfected their skill alone. I believe most of us would be satisfied to finish a marathon, but there are a few who practice ...
by byneothr
Mon Jan 05, 2015 4:23 am
Forum: Post Some Prose
Topic: No need to wonder (ver. 2)
Replies: 6
Views: 6562

Re: No need to wonder (ver. 2)

Hello, k-j. So, I get the feeling you didn't like the work. That's fine. I would like to state that I didn't mean to insult anyone with this piece. I do appreciate that you read it and took the time to comment. Thanks.
by byneothr
Sun Jan 04, 2015 11:45 am
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: haiku
Replies: 7
Views: 3019

haiku

Hello. This is my second writing on haiku, the first has disappeared. If anyone finds it floating around, let me know. thanks. I would like to talk about my version of haiku, and I hope others will add their take on it. First I write what I consider a Western style haiku. This is because the haiku c...
by byneothr
Sat Jan 03, 2015 3:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: January 1st
Replies: 14
Views: 1429

Re: January 1st

Great last line. I can see "hieroglyphs interrogated by rising warmth". I see the warmth revealing more hidden things as the day progresses. What I'm having trouble with are the crow's wings folding in the wind. Wouldn't the crow drop? Just asking. Other than that, I like the tone of the poem, but i...
by byneothr
Sat Jan 03, 2015 3:01 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Accountant (rev2)
Replies: 15
Views: 1282

Re: The Accountant (rev2)

Interesting poem. I thought the line "pulls the belt that little tighter" was well done. I'd remove the last line and replace it with something like "everything fits". Thanks.
by byneothr
Sat Jan 03, 2015 2:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: quiet as a hesitation
Replies: 8
Views: 986

quiet as a hesitation

quiet as a hesitation enfolded in a contemplation yes no right left left in quiet desperation surrounded by gray isolation stop go try rest no people only crowds one discarded left to prowl prowling as a steppenwolf live in hunger die in thirst hunt the mountains carefully the air so cold so thin bu...
by byneothr
Wed Dec 31, 2014 11:05 pm
Forum: Post Some Prose
Topic: No need to wonder (ver. 2)
Replies: 6
Views: 6562

Re: No need to wonder (ver. 2)

Hello, fellow gp'ers. I thought I'd write a few lines about what I was attempting with this attempted haibun. Haibun is a form that is composed of two parts, prose followed by a haiku. This is the old form. The haiku should be connected to the prose somehow. So if you take the last 3 lines for this ...
by byneothr
Wed Dec 24, 2014 5:49 am
Forum: Post Some Prose
Topic: No need to wonder (ver. 2)
Replies: 6
Views: 6562

Re: No need to wonder

Hello, David. How to answer your question? If I tell you this is prose, would it be prose? If I tell you this is a prose poem, would that make it one? Vague or not, what is important for me is if this thing is successful or not. The answer to that is, yes (for me), and no (for most). Sorry that the ...
by byneothr
Sun Dec 21, 2014 10:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Still in the Black
Replies: 10
Views: 1208

Re: Still in the Black

Hello, Suzanne. A very sweet poem. There are portions of it I don't understand, the way a good poem should allow space for the reader. With each reading I can get something new out of it. A good poem, in my opinion, should do that. This does that for me. Thanks.
by byneothr
Sun Dec 21, 2014 10:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Winter Winds
Replies: 7
Views: 844

Re: Winter Winds

Hello, Suzanne. I usually like you work, but I'm having trouble with this poem. I'd re-think the first 4 verses. I'm not sure they are needed as I feel that the poem really starts on the fifth verse. I have a problem with the first verse. I'm picturing the wind blowing outside the house, but then it...
by byneothr
Sun Dec 21, 2014 10:11 am
Forum: Post Some Prose
Topic: No need to wonder (ver. 2)
Replies: 6
Views: 6562

No need to wonder (ver. 2)

Nothing is done that needs be done that won't be done time over time until the time of need is done. Wheels travel without purpose. Most fail to comprehend the march of aimless wandering. So. Pondering we conclude that nothing is what it seems. We indulge imaginings. We hypothesize vibration as if b...
by byneothr
Wed Dec 17, 2014 5:12 am
Forum: Post Some Prose
Topic: I am consumed by time
Replies: 1
Views: 3158

I am consumed by time

I am consumed by time or now or some such thing that grew me when I was young and now diminishes what it is I am become. At every turning I endeavor to dis-remember I am not forever, ignoring the contrariwise occurrences occurring to my mind, body…soul? Yes, yes, I am not forever, I grow old, but in...
by byneothr
Tue Dec 16, 2014 6:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hidden
Replies: 1
Views: 445

Re: Hidden

Hello, ArcaneMind. I have to tell you that I am one who is not a fan of end rhymes. I know you are, as are many, but I felt it fair to tell you about my disquiet on this before my further comment on this poem. That being the case, let me attempt to talk about the structure of this piece. I believe t...
by byneothr
Tue Dec 16, 2014 6:14 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Insanity
Replies: 5
Views: 745

Re: Insanity

Hello, MikeAcker. The pattern I found on the first verse is abba c, on the second abab c. I'm not sure this works. To me the poem is too repetitious, I understand the title. I believe this piece could use a less obvious way of expressing a:b::b:a. I believe this poem works in that it states insanity...
by byneothr
Tue Dec 16, 2014 5:59 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Pantry at High Barn
Replies: 2
Views: 507

Re: The Pantry at High Barn

Hello, jp. I'm not much for titles, but I believe I understand most. Yours, I can only guess, do you mean the inside of a swanky joint? Just curious. He wasn't one for art. I think this is a good line, it describes the hero with a few deft strokes. urging on a rumbling from his soul. I believe the l...
by byneothr
Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:59 am
Forum: Post Some Prose
Topic: She was a stupid dog
Replies: 0
Views: 1966

She was a stupid dog

She was a stupid dog, or smart. I will never know. She didn't like the pills the vet said she had to take for a liver condition. Part Rottweiler, part German Shepherd, she commanded respect from strangers. I just saw her as my puppy grown. Trying to pry open her jaws with one hand, holding the pills...
by byneothr
Fri Dec 12, 2014 7:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: To the poem born
Replies: 9
Views: 1546

Re: To the poem born

This was submitted years ago, but I just found it. Of course, I love this poem. However.... Our brutal stages of advance --- I would remove 'of advance' leaving just 'Our brutal stages' Dazed from the drop --- really good. We find our voice, or not; --- I would remove 'or not' as earlier the poem st...
by byneothr
Fri Dec 12, 2014 7:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Surgery (Another edit)
Replies: 30
Views: 3402

Re: Surgery (Another edit)

SteveR. This poem has become so much better. I liked the first draft, but this last version is just great. I enjoy reading the critiques and how you applied them to this work. Good stuff. Thanks.
by byneothr
Fri Dec 12, 2014 6:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: I promise this time I’m ready to love you
Replies: 9
Views: 992

Re: I promise this time I’m ready to love you

That is great stuff!!! I had no idea. I just checked out some haibun on the internet. I'm excited, get ready for a haibun. Do you think it should be placed in the poetry section or with the short stories? How about the challenge page? We could all submit a few.
by byneothr
Fri Dec 12, 2014 6:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Huey's Blues
Replies: 0
Views: 994

Huey's Blues

Forty acres and a mule, that's what they promised my brothers, my sisters, it's true. But it's all the blues. I ain't lying and I ain't buying promises they're trying. More, more dope, more money, more milk, more honey, more. More is definitely cool, but I'm still waiting on the mule. Restitution Bl...