Search found 22 matches

by sleepystupid
Thu Jan 09, 2020 4:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Late August
Replies: 3
Views: 537

Re: Late August

hi Martin, love the imagery in this poem, makes me wish i had porch to enjoy this view from! the turning of night is captured quite vividly, though i'd like to see a bit more of this "autumn breeze" and the life it brings. it struck me as a powerful juxtaposition that could perhaps be explored more?...
by sleepystupid
Thu Jan 02, 2020 2:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Purple People
Replies: 4
Views: 545

Re: Purple People

Sid wrote:
Wed Jan 01, 2020 10:41 pm
Hi Sleepy,

I like this poem. It reads well and has some good elements. Refer to my critique below:
hi Sid,

thanks a lot for the read and great comments! you make a very good point about closing the thematic loop - i will take some time to consider and post a revision soon.

all the best, ss.
by sleepystupid
Tue Dec 31, 2019 1:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Purple People
Replies: 4
Views: 545

Re: Purple People

hi Poet,

i suppose there could be some fantasy elements to it, not entirely intentional. thanks for reading!
by sleepystupid
Mon Dec 30, 2019 7:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: You've Heard This One Before Haven't You
Replies: 15
Views: 1200

Re: You've Heard This One Before Haven't You

hi Poet, forgive my ignorance as i am new here, but i have some thoughts/questions that may help. i'm struggling to see past the angst in this poem, though perhaps there is something deeper that i'm missing. the admission of uncertainty in the last lines of S2, about the world and presumably the rea...
by sleepystupid
Mon Dec 30, 2019 5:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Purple People
Replies: 4
Views: 545

Purple People

Never you mind tickled tongues, talking through traps. All purple patter, the argot of a new nation. Get busy buying bees, purchasing pain. Armed with the speed of shame, the weapons of a new nation. So proud of our never negatives, defenders unseen. Sibilant and evergreen the soldiers of a new nati...
by sleepystupid
Fri Dec 27, 2019 7:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Haiku Train
Replies: 7567
Views: 944571

Re: Haiku Train

along the bay's curve
will never winter whether
eyes arrive or not
by sleepystupid
Sat Dec 14, 2019 11:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Mill
Replies: 13
Views: 1340

Re: The Mill

hi Sid, i like this - it reminds me of my first poem here (and everywhere i guess). there's some great advice in that thread on the challenges of "writing about writing". it too was a very short piece about losing to the "splashing, spilling, gushing" stream of thoughts and words: a poem violently r...
by sleepystupid
Sat Dec 14, 2019 10:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cat Long (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 1486

Re: Cat Long

hi bjondon,

still green here, so i don't have much to suggest, but i wanted to thank you for delightfully reminding me of how magical words are. the tempo, cadence and flavor drive this story in a way prose never could.

looking forward to your works ahead (:


all the best, ss.
by sleepystupid
Sat Dec 14, 2019 9:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Haiku Train
Replies: 7567
Views: 944571

Re: Haiku Train

reviving my past;
a windowed world asunder,
my lies stall the shame.
by sleepystupid
Wed Nov 08, 2017 3:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ink (rev. 1)
Replies: 8
Views: 1388

Re: Ink (rev. 1)

A suggested edit. words in retrograde ? don't take too kindly to budget cuts. through a sieve, redacted and naked in collapsing sequences: was it always this way? thanks Tristan, I really like the suggestions- it always amazes me how powerful minor changes like that can be (and how unnecessary word...
by sleepystupid
Mon Nov 06, 2017 6:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Haiku Train
Replies: 7567
Views: 944571

Re: Haiku Train

a grisly house
fit for beasts bothered by heat
till winter slumber
by sleepystupid
Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ink (rev. 1)
Replies: 8
Views: 1388

Re: Ink (rev. 1)

[tab][/tab] Hi sleepy, I agree about 'retrograde', definite improvement. My issue with the opening is that it is framed as a question (and one that is not as successful as the one which ends the piece). It reads as an (almost casual) observation and seems to lack the sense of 'frustration' you desc...
by sleepystupid
Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Holly:
Replies: 13
Views: 1957

Re: The Holly:

An option to play more with the human parallels by using proximity: I envy that sycamore the way those leaves glow before they fall. The way it offers itself fully to the wind, and for a while, bares [s]its[/s] trunk and branches,......................................maybe drop one of the its ? the...
by sleepystupid
Sun Nov 05, 2017 2:17 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Holly:
Replies: 13
Views: 1957

Re: The Holly:

hi Firebird, i think you have captured the passage of time very well in this poem, and i find myself with a strong image of all the changes that entails for the sycamore. but why is the Holly envious of this, and why the sycamore specifically? it's entirely possible I'm missing something that the se...
by sleepystupid
Sat Nov 04, 2017 2:55 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ink (rev. 1)
Replies: 8
Views: 1388

Re: Ink

whilst I'm not that keen on the opening question (can't quite relate 'tumble' to 'cuts', and it doesn't seem to lead anywhere) had a short plane ride to mull this over. revision 1 in italics above. it's really just the one word, but I think "retrograde" leads more naturally to redaction and finally...
by sleepystupid
Sat Nov 04, 2017 12:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ink (rev. 1)
Replies: 8
Views: 1388

Re: Ink

its a pleasure to be here and i'm excited to be a part of an active community of educators and collaborators . this is truly a unique place- i know cause it took a while to end up here (: thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts! mac, "incestuous" is a great way of naming the difficul...
by sleepystupid
Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ink (rev. 1)
Replies: 8
Views: 1388

Ink (rev. 1)

have you ever seen words in retrograde ? they don't take too kindly to budget cuts. through a sieve, redacted and naked in collapsing sequences: was it always this hard? Original have you ever seen words tumble? they don't take too kindly to budget cuts. through a sieve, redacted and naked in collap...
by sleepystupid
Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:19 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Three Windows
Replies: 7
Views: 1392

Re: Three Windows

i really liked this- to be honest my exposure to poetry is currently limited, and these types of short poems have quickly piqued my interest. they represent to me a fundamental challenge of poetry, to express a complex idea and emotion with the least amount of words. a question for the experts: assu...
by sleepystupid
Fri Nov 03, 2017 7:13 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Haiku Train
Replies: 7567
Views: 944571

Re: Haiku Train

in the still water
an ingress of chemicals
we reap what we sow.
by sleepystupid
Fri Nov 03, 2017 6:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: City Life
Replies: 9
Views: 1457

Re: City Life

hi vox, i too am new to this board and eager to hone my craft, so here's to a shared journey! your poem's title drew my attention immediately- i like the simplicity of it, but more specifically, i am currently struggling with an internal conflict regarding this very topic. my girlfriend would love f...
by sleepystupid
Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Haiku Train
Replies: 7567
Views: 944571

Re: Haiku Train

fears of winter nights
deciduous signs, beware
they always know first.
by sleepystupid
Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision II
Replies: 8
Views: 1407

Re: Bonds (Balassi Stanza) - Revision

hi luce (and others), im new around here (: and already learning things! had to Google that stanza form.. that being said, i really liked the turning of the playful into hurtful in the last line. it felt like a scene all too familiar to her: the goofy, incorrigible husband is at it again! but for he...