The Poets' Graves Workshop

My visits here have been intermittent (such is life atm) I have enjoyed posting here for the honest and helpful comments received. I would certainly like to follow you to the new website and I'm glad you are not shutting down completely, like so many other sites I have known.

Eira

I'm back, Not! The last line of this verse seems far too long to fit with other verses, which end on around 7-8 syllables. I can see why you've done this but 12 syllables doesn't seem to fit. Might just be me though! :D And then to delight she pilfered the Plight from the Mouth of the Dastardly Vast...

Hedgehogs sleep beneath last season’s rumpled sheets. Like the quaintness of that Eira. buttoned with buds is a lovely phrase. Phrasing such as pillows of hopelessness. and melancholic shadows feel overwritten to me. I draw the drapes across twilight, slump deeper into my pillows Just a thought for...

. Hi Eira, always intrigued by your SAD pieces, but I think the swallows (such a clichéof a bird) make this feel a little too predictable, The contrast between N and the hedgehog however (if developed a little) strikes me as much more interesting. Thanks Not, This is an old one which was published ...

. Hi Not Hi Eira, minor nit (L5) shouldn't it be plural? magnolias explode, their petals confetti I've been wondering why that line didn't sound right -changed now! and (L9) is there anything better than 'before'? Could you cut it? Have tried an alternative Still think you could cut S5, then preced...

Seasonal Adjustment Swallows surge from wet beds as reeds fade, curling. They congregate restlessly, swing on telegraph wires until flocking in unison to fire-baked skies of Africa. As they dot the horizon melancholic shadows reflect a sapless sun. Daylight dwindles, spills into long sombre nights, ...

Hi, I really liked this. Gorgeous assonance. The title and the opening gave me a sense this was going to be a 'charm and alarm' piece. Enjoying an activity you shared with someone who is absent somehow. Or something like that... I felt alientated at the mention of David. It's so personal that you l...

. Hi Eira, kind of you not to point out I misspelled bite! Surrendering on those last two verses (I didn't realise David was not a relative), I think this seems very close to the finish line. The new title is much better (though 'Breathless' occurred as an alternative). Hi Not, I also wondered abou...

This has been a pleasure to read, Not ( but I'll have to return a few times to digest) At first I thought this was a series of limericks, then realised it was written in 6 lines not 5. So your rhyme scheme is aabccb. Is this a recognised form or have you invented it? :D On first read, I'm not too ke...

Hi Trev,

I do think a new title would draw the reader in. I enjoyed the read, but feel St2 could be trimmed back a bit. 'Frilly criteria doesn't seem to fit together to me either.

Eira

A captivating one, Ray - sad.

I agree with Not about ascend, it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the language somehow.

Not sure about' 'not because their brains fall out', but I suppose you are talking to a child.

Perhaps tumbling is better than somersaulting.

Eira

Hi Jackie

This is a really beautiful poem - enjoyed the read. I also like Ray's idea of putting the veil first and the shroud last giving a slightly different perspective.

Eira

Macavity wrote: ↑

Sat Sep 12, 2020 4:49 am

Charming Eira, winsome, dreamy and domestic intimacies of joins and disconnects. Took me to check out the old Beatles' song.

best

mac

Thanks Mac, so glad you appreciate this. Yes, I've been reminiscing the Beetles' song too - nice trip down memory lane

Eira

Not, I've not given this much thought yet. I think perhaps the second half needs more thought.

Eira

I remember when you first posted this. I didn't comment on it then because I didn't really understand it. I guess it's a fantasy, but if so, I don't find it very entertaining. If it's an allegory, it doesn't seem to make much of a point. I can see that a child might like the poem, except that it is...

. Hi Eira, definite improvement, except for the final two verses. They offer nothing new: S6/L1-2 is basically a repeat of S1, and S7 of S5. Bit the bullet Eira, cut without mercy! :) Actually the title isn't that great, A Long Yea r? Hi Not, Agree about the title - have made a change. I've deleted...

Hi Not, You've just reminded me that Xmas will be here sooner than we realise! :shock: This is a pleasure to read. I like the way the title comes after the beginning stanza - yes that's growing on me. Very original. I like 'Santa chimneying' - nice way of putting it. Altogether a nice light hearted ...

Hi Not & Trevor,

It's such a long time since I posted this one but here is my first revision. Thanks for your very useful suggestions.

Eira

. Hi Not, I nearly didn't come back to this - but that's not me! My internet returned as suddenly as it disappeared (not behind the sofa) :shock: So here is my next revision. I have adopted some of your suggestions i Eira. Where did you lose you internet? Have you checked behind the sofa? Still lik...

The Owl and the Blackbird (revision) I’m just drifting off when he stirs. It’s barely light but up he hops, clears his throat ready to warble - Blackbird singin’ in the dead of night I cringe, pull the duvet over my head, hear him scratching, scuttling about, then peep out, see him strut around cres...

Thanks Trevor,

Sorry I'm late answering but my internet is off - have to rely on my son's computer when he's not using it. Doesn't add to my inspiration.

Eira

. Hi Eira, feels like two separate pieces to me (S1-3 and S4-7) that haven't come together successfully ... yet. Glad you said 'yet :) ' I like the fiery 'ablaze' but then there's the damp squib of 'blossomed' (couldn't April be doing something equally incendiary to the trees?) and 'confetti' doesn...

. I think I'll go with The Knight & Drey (as per mac and Eira,) though following the thread of Knights led to The Tilted Windmill (which has a certain appeal) ... dithering. . Mmmm…… I see why you're dithering. While I like The Knight and Drey, The Tilted Windmill does have a certain appeal. Differ...

The Knight and Drey rolls off the tongue better than The Dray and Knights

Eira

I can see the pub, Not, thanks to your excellent description, A well written poem - I cannot make any suggestions on first read. I sympathise with the squirrel problem as we share this but it became almost insignificant when rattus himself joined the feast!! (long story)

Eira