The Poets' Graves Workshop

capricorn

At a Distance we amble around Perry Hall Park without you, recalling your monotone hum that reassured us you were near. In March, grassland was ablaze with daffodils and crocus’ - April blossomed the trees. Now May’s petals confetti the pathways we tread alone. Will June unlock you? My stomach tumbl...

capricorn

Hi Trevor,

I like this but find some of your lines rather short (might be my own preference)

I like 'the science of dirty corners'

perhaps end for more emphasis

I tend to forget this thing
called pain.

Eira

I wrote a longer answer but lost it !!!

-now I have to cook dinner.

capricorn

Hi Perry,

I am wondering what this might sound like if' 'she' was changed to 'you' so it would be addressed directly to the person. Also, 'you' could then be female or 'male'

Eira

capricorn

It's a pleasure to read one of your unique poems, Lotus which always gives much to think on.

Oligarchy - a new word for me ( I like learning new words).

Eira

capricorn

I like cottage pie, but didn't think I'd ever enjoy a poem about it. This is really imaginatively written and has some great lines. Perhaps it could be pruned back a bit though, and I agree with Not about the ending (a bit too pat)

Eira

capricorn

Hi David & Trevor,

Thanks for commenting on this. I wrote revision 3 before I read your suggestions which I will digest tomorrow.

Eira

capricorn

Hi Not - I'm back! And welcome you are too, your absence had been noted and I was beginning to wonder if you were self-isolating virtually. Hope you and yours are well. Back again, Not and thanks for the warm welcome. :D It's a good thing that we cannot catch CV virtually :mrgreen: We are isolating...

capricorn

Hi Eira, there's such a strong piece here, but it does seem a bit hamstrung by the form. Hi Not - I'm back! Yes, writing in form has its problems, but sometimes I like the challenge :D I'll continue with this - but may try it another time in FV. a robin serenades From ivied stage. in meadow grass N...

capricorn

Hi Not,

I've taken on board most of your suggestions and revised.

Eira

capricorn

Poet wrote: ↑
Tue Feb 25, 2020 12:03 am
Good stuff! I don't see anything wrong with it, you are lucky Capricorn!

You are too kind Poet. I'm sure others will find something.

Eira

capricorn

Brood Parasite (rev 3) From ivied stage a robin serenades while in the meadow grass his broody hen hops among the boulders and invades a crevice, moulding lichen for a den to lay her brood. A cuckoo’s nearby call provokes the bubbling chuckles of his mate; she spies the nest concealed within the wal...

capricorn

Hi Poet,

I think this needs a lot of trimming back to hold the readers interest. I also find the numbering of stanzas rather distracting. Hope this helps.

Eira

capricorn

We turn away from each other While our feet face together - I to your right, you to your left. Not wanting to look, or Scared lest our sacred beaks cross. I lift my wings. Then lower them Down - intentional hesitation. Then I lift them back in withdrawal And, looking behind me, Push away in each pos...

capricorn

Sorry to be late replying- you have given me a wealth of suggestions. One thing seems sure, that deleted stanza needs to stay in some form. I have written another version - more detailed. (I found the very long original under another name and added some details from that) Poet -I meant Paunch not pu...

capricorn

Found you Again on Facebook (v3) That college disco, the group sang Let’s Dance . A feather-touch on my shoulder and husky whisper ‘Dance with me?’ He was a sandy haired Paul McCartney, his dark suit enhanced with a narrow neon tie. Can’t Take my Eyes off You . We jived twisted, until the music slow...

capricorn

Interesting poem. I like Ray's suggestions for improvement.

There is something about 'bud of flame that doesn't sound right (to me) how about

Blue bud-like flame

Eira

capricorn

A great poem to read, Ray. Agree with JJ about 'punters'

Eira

capricorn

Hi Not,

V3b really does sound great - the best.

I do agree with JJ about yellowy though and don't feel it sounds quite right. Perhaps 'yellowing'.

Eira

capricorn

I think revision 1 is best, though maybe without the 5th stanza. She sings Rock-a-Bye as marigolds and rosemary scent the tea carton. Laying the naked hatchling in a tea carton, lined with marigolds and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye. I think you need the detail of naked hatchling. Thanks Ray. That ...

capricorn

Thanks for your continued support, Not. I feel I am beginning to 'overthink' this and will put it on the back burner for a while. I always come back to a poem in a few weeks and find I see things more clearly after a break.

Eira

capricorn

JJWilliamson wrote: ↑
Mon Jan 27, 2020 3:31 am

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton. ...I wasn't sure about the tea carton, wondering about its significance, until I read the other versions.

I have been thinking about that too JJ. I might return to version 1 to make it clearer

Thanks
Eira

capricorn

Hi Not,

I like the way you've brought in September to the ending - much better.

Eira

capricorn

Hi Tatterd,

Thanks for the interesting points you have made. Unfortunately I have just posted a revision I have been working on before I read your post. I will consider everything you have said for future revisions.

Eira

capricorn

Revision 2 is probably not as cut as you hoped, Not, but revision is up

Eira

capricorn

Hi Not,

I wrote this some time ago when I used to be a bit over the top. I decided it was worth resurrecting it. Thanks for the suggestions. Revision written.

Eira

The Poets' Graves Workshop

Search found 183 matches

At a Distance

Re: Baby Steps

Re: After

Re: before Life was Art

Re: Cottage Pie

Re: Brood Parasites (revision 3)

Re: Brood Parasites (revision 2)

Re: Brood Parasites (revision 1)

Re: Brood Parasites (revision 1)

Re: Brood Parasites

Brood Parasites (revision 3)

Re: Gather Around Writers & Novelists

Re: Crane Dancing

Re: Found Him Again on Facebook(version 2)

Found Him Again on Facebook(version 3)

Re: Pilot-Light

Re: Anthropomorphic

Re: Curiosity (v3b)

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Re: Curiosity (v3)

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Re: The Nestling (rev1)