Search found 183 matches

by capricorn
Fri May 15, 2020 8:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: At a Distance
Replies: 2
Views: 81

At a Distance

At a Distance we amble around Perry Hall Park without you, recalling your monotone hum that reassured us you were near. In March, grassland was ablaze with daffodils and crocus’ - April blossomed the trees. Now May’s petals confetti the pathways we tread alone. Will June unlock you? My stomach tumbl...
by capricorn
Fri May 15, 2020 4:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Baby Steps
Replies: 8
Views: 203

Re: Baby Steps

Hi Trevor,

I like this but find some of your lines rather short (might be my own preference)

I like 'the science of dirty corners'

perhaps end for more emphasis

I tend to forget this thing
called pain.

Eira

I wrote a longer answer but lost it !!! :roll: -now I have to cook dinner.
by capricorn
Fri May 15, 2020 4:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: After
Replies: 7
Views: 334

Re: After

Hi Perry,

I am wondering what this might sound like if' 'she' was changed to 'you' so it would be addressed directly to the person. Also, 'you' could then be female or 'male'

Eira
by capricorn
Fri May 15, 2020 4:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: before Life was Art
Replies: 13
Views: 285

Re: before Life was Art

It's a pleasure to read one of your unique poems, Lotus which always gives much to think on.

Oligarchy - a new word for me ( I like learning new words).

Eira
by capricorn
Mon May 11, 2020 11:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cottage Pie
Replies: 10
Views: 380

Re: Cottage Pie

I like cottage pie, but didn't think I'd ever enjoy a poem about it. This is really imaginatively written and has some great lines. Perhaps it could be pruned back a bit though, and I agree with Not about the ending (a bit too pat)

Eira
by capricorn
Wed Apr 01, 2020 10:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brood Parasites (revision 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 937

Re: Brood Parasites (revision 3)

Hi David & Trevor,

Thanks for commenting on this. I wrote revision 3 before I read your suggestions which I will digest tomorrow.

Eira
by capricorn
Wed Apr 01, 2020 10:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brood Parasites (revision 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 937

Re: Brood Parasites (revision 2)

Hi Not - I'm back! And welcome you are too, your absence had been noted and I was beginning to wonder if you were self-isolating virtually. Hope you and yours are well. Back again, Not and thanks for the warm welcome. :D It's a good thing that we cannot catch CV virtually :mrgreen: We are isolating...
by capricorn
Sat Mar 21, 2020 12:23 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brood Parasites (revision 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 937

Re: Brood Parasites (revision 1)

Hi Eira, there's such a strong piece here, but it does seem a bit hamstrung by the form. Hi Not - I'm back! Yes, writing in form has its problems, but sometimes I like the challenge :D I'll continue with this - but may try it another time in FV. a robin serenades From ivied stage. in meadow grass N...
by capricorn
Sun Mar 01, 2020 11:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brood Parasites (revision 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 937

Re: Brood Parasites (revision 1)

Hi Not,

I've taken on board most of your suggestions and revised.

Eira
by capricorn
Sun Mar 01, 2020 11:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brood Parasites (revision 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 937

Re: Brood Parasites

Poet wrote:
Tue Feb 25, 2020 12:03 am
Good stuff! I don't see anything wrong with it, you are lucky Capricorn!
You are too kind Poet. I'm sure others will find something. :D

Eira
by capricorn
Mon Feb 24, 2020 11:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brood Parasites (revision 3)
Replies: 12
Views: 937

Brood Parasites (revision 3)

Brood Parasite (rev 3) From ivied stage a robin serenades while in the meadow grass his broody hen hops among the boulders and invades a crevice, moulding lichen for a den to lay her brood. A cuckoo’s nearby call provokes the bubbling chuckles of his mate; she spies the nest concealed within the wal...
by capricorn
Mon Feb 24, 2020 10:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Gather Around Writers & Novelists
Replies: 8
Views: 754

Re: Gather Around Writers & Novelists

Hi Poet,

I think this needs a lot of trimming back to hold the readers interest. I also find the numbering of stanzas rather distracting. Hope this helps.

Eira
by capricorn
Mon Feb 24, 2020 10:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Crane Dancing
Replies: 8
Views: 547

Re: Crane Dancing

We turn away from each other While our feet face together - I to your right, you to your left. Not wanting to look, or Scared lest our sacred beaks cross. I lift my wings. Then lower them Down - intentional hesitation. Then I lift them back in withdrawal And, looking behind me, Push away in each pos...
by capricorn
Mon Feb 10, 2020 4:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Found Him Again on Facebook(version 3)
Replies: 7
Views: 464

Re: Found Him Again on Facebook(version 2)

Sorry to be late replying- you have given me a wealth of suggestions. One thing seems sure, that deleted stanza needs to stay in some form. I have written another version - more detailed. (I found the very long original under another name and added some details from that) Poet -I meant Paunch not pu...
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Found Him Again on Facebook(version 3)
Replies: 7
Views: 464

Found Him Again on Facebook(version 3)

Found you Again on Facebook (v3) That college disco, the group sang Let’s Dance . A feather-touch on my shoulder and husky whisper ‘Dance with me?’ He was a sandy haired Paul McCartney, his dark suit enhanced with a narrow neon tie. Can’t Take my Eyes off You . We jived twisted, until the music slow...
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pilot-Light
Replies: 7
Views: 749

Re: Pilot-Light

Interesting poem. I like Ray's suggestions for improvement.

There is something about 'bud of flame that doesn't sound right (to me) how about

Blue bud-like flame

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Anthropomorphic
Replies: 11
Views: 618

Re: Anthropomorphic

A great poem to read, Ray. Agree with JJ about 'punters'

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 1750

Re: Curiosity (v3b)

Hi Not,

V3b really does sound great - the best.

I do agree with JJ about yellowy though and don't feel it sounds quite right. Perhaps 'yellowing'.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 839

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

I think revision 1 is best, though maybe without the 5th stanza. She sings Rock-a-Bye as marigolds and rosemary scent the tea carton. Laying the naked hatchling in a tea carton, lined with marigolds and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye. I think you need the detail of naked hatchling. Thanks Ray. That ...
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 10:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 839

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Thanks for your continued support, Not. I feel I am beginning to 'overthink' this and will put it on the back burner for a while. I always come back to a poem in a few weeks and find I see things more clearly after a break.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 10:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 839

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

JJWilliamson wrote:
Mon Jan 27, 2020 3:31 am

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton. ...I wasn't sure about the tea carton, wondering about its significance, until I read the other versions.


I have been thinking about that too JJ. I might return to version 1 to make it clearer

Thanks
Eira

by capricorn
Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 1750

Re: Curiosity (v3)

Hi Not,

I like the way you've brought in September to the ending - much better.

Eira
by capricorn
Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 839

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Hi Tatterd,

Thanks for the interesting points you have made. Unfortunately I have just posted a revision I have been working on before I read your post. I will consider everything you have said for future revisions.

Eira
by capricorn
Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 839

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Revision 2 is probably not as cut as you hoped, Not, but revision is up

Eira
by capricorn
Fri Jan 24, 2020 1:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 839

Re: The Nestling (rev1)

Hi Not,

I wrote this some time ago when I used to be a bit over the top. I decided it was worth resurrecting it. Thanks for the suggestions. Revision written.

Eira