The Poets' Graves Workshop

The Owl and the Blackbird It’s barely light when he stirs joining the avian choir. I cringe to hear his flutelike trill, listen as he scuttles about. Pulling our feather duvet up over my head, I squint out, see him strut, fully feathered, crest still in disarray. He zooms away, so I doze until he fl...

Thanks Trevor,

Sorry I'm late answering but my internet is off - have to rely on my son's computer when he's not using it. Doesn't add to my inspiration.

Eira

. Hi Eira, feels like two separate pieces to me (S1-3 and S4-7) that haven't come together successfully ... yet. Glad you said 'yet :) ' I like the fiery 'ablaze' but then there's the damp squib of 'blossomed' (couldn't April be doing something equally incendiary to the trees?) and 'confetti' doesn...

. I think I'll go with The Knight & Drey (as per mac and Eira,) though following the thread of Knights led to The Tilted Windmill (which has a certain appeal) ... dithering. . Mmmm…… I see why you're dithering. While I like The Knight and Drey, The Tilted Windmill does have a certain appeal. Differ...

The Knight and Drey rolls off the tongue better than The Dray and Knights

Eira

I can see the pub, Not, thanks to your excellent description, A well written poem - I cannot make any suggestions on first read. I sympathise with the squirrel problem as we share this but it became almost insignificant when rattus himself joined the feast!! (long story)

Eira

We sow wildflower seeds there will be meadow providing rain Hi, I've read this a few times and each time it almost sounds like the meadow is providing rain, not the rain is nurturing the meadow. (might just be me). Perhaps if the last line were providing it rains. a suggestion We sow wildflower see...

Hi Tristan,

Interesting! I cannot think of any more than Not's suggestions. I like the title suggestion and particularly the smoothness of the second stanza. I feel the original ending was a bit rough - didn't like 'chunks'.

original thinking

Eira

At a Distance we amble around Perry Hall Park without you, recalling your Buddhist-like hum that reassured us you were near. In March, grassland was ablaze with daffodils and crocus’ – April, trees burst into a profusion of blossoms. May scatters those petals to confetti the pathways, we still tread...

Hi Trevor,

I like this but find some of your lines rather short (might be my own preference)

I like 'the science of dirty corners'

perhaps end for more emphasis

I tend to forget this thing
called pain.

Eira

I wrote a longer answer but lost it !!! -now I have to cook dinner.

Hi Perry,

I am wondering what this might sound like if' 'she' was changed to 'you' so it would be addressed directly to the person. Also, 'you' could then be female or 'male'

Eira

It's a pleasure to read one of your unique poems, Lotus which always gives much to think on.

Oligarchy - a new word for me ( I like learning new words).

Eira

I like cottage pie, but didn't think I'd ever enjoy a poem about it. This is really imaginatively written and has some great lines. Perhaps it could be pruned back a bit though, and I agree with Not about the ending (a bit too pat)

Eira

Hi David & Trevor,

Thanks for commenting on this. I wrote revision 3 before I read your suggestions which I will digest tomorrow.

Eira

Hi Not - I'm back! And welcome you are too, your absence had been noted and I was beginning to wonder if you were self-isolating virtually. Hope you and yours are well. Back again, Not and thanks for the warm welcome. :D It's a good thing that we cannot catch CV virtually :mrgreen: We are isolating...

Hi Eira, there's such a strong piece here, but it does seem a bit hamstrung by the form. Hi Not - I'm back! Yes, writing in form has its problems, but sometimes I like the challenge :D I'll continue with this - but may try it another time in FV. a robin serenades From ivied stage. in meadow grass N...

Hi Not,

I've taken on board most of your suggestions and revised.

Eira

Poet wrote: ↑

Tue Feb 25, 2020 12:03 am

Good stuff! I don't see anything wrong with it, you are lucky Capricorn!

You are too kind Poet. I'm sure others will find something.

Eira

Brood Parasite (rev 3) From ivied stage a robin serenades while in the meadow grass his broody hen hops among the boulders and invades a crevice, moulding lichen for a den to lay her brood. A cuckoo’s nearby call provokes the bubbling chuckles of his mate; she spies the nest concealed within the wal...

Hi Poet,

I think this needs a lot of trimming back to hold the readers interest. I also find the numbering of stanzas rather distracting. Hope this helps.

Eira

We turn away from each other While our feet face together - I to your right, you to your left. Not wanting to look, or Scared lest our sacred beaks cross. I lift my wings. Then lower them Down - intentional hesitation. Then I lift them back in withdrawal And, looking behind me, Push away in each pos...

Sorry to be late replying- you have given me a wealth of suggestions. One thing seems sure, that deleted stanza needs to stay in some form. I have written another version - more detailed. (I found the very long original under another name and added some details from that) Poet -I meant Paunch not pu...

Found you Again on Facebook (v3) That college disco, the group sang Let’s Dance . A feather-touch on my shoulder and husky whisper ‘Dance with me?’ He was a sandy haired Paul McCartney, his dark suit enhanced with a narrow neon tie. Can’t Take my Eyes off You . We jived twisted, until the music slow...

Interesting poem. I like Ray's suggestions for improvement.

There is something about 'bud of flame that doesn't sound right (to me) how about

Blue bud-like flame

Eira

A great poem to read, Ray. Agree with JJ about 'punters'

Eira