Search found 195 matches

by TrevorConway
Wed Oct 21, 2020 8:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Forwarding
Replies: 7
Views: 88

Re: Forwarding

Yes, Not! That solves the press issue. Thanks for that. Regarding the deposit. I just wanted to get across the idea that the moving is now official, having paid the deposit on the new place, and hence action has to be taken, such as using up all the food left. Probably best leaving out the deposit a...
by TrevorConway
Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pandora's Jar
Replies: 5
Views: 34

Re: Pandora's Jar

Hi Not,

No prob. I think the title is fine, and I do like what you have in the poem. Just a bit more detail to nudge the reader towards the theme you're getting at (or at least this reader - others might understand it more). I don't think you necessarily have to sacrifice the ambiguity.

T
by TrevorConway
Mon Oct 19, 2020 7:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Forwarding
Replies: 7
Views: 88

Re: Forwarding

Thanks very much, Not, Mac, Ray and Eira. Interesting that "press" threw so many people off. Maybe "cupboard" is a more universal term for where we keep food in the kitchen? Or any alternatives? I'll see if I can get across the difference between ser and estar without being too explainy. Could be to...
by TrevorConway
Mon Oct 19, 2020 7:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pandora's Jar
Replies: 5
Views: 34

Re: Pandora's Jar

Hey Not, Intriguing. I like the set-up of the "who blames..." motif, and the repetition works for me. I found the last few verses interesting but just a touch too far towards the obscure end of the spectrum. A little more to go on in order to figure it out would make it more enjoyable, I think. I of...
by TrevorConway
Mon Oct 19, 2020 7:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Seasonal Adjustment
Replies: 7
Views: 74

Re: Seasonal Adjustment

Hi Eira, Some nice moments, but some parts felt overdone (a fault of my own at times). I found it was too focused on scene-setting, in a way that felt too monotonous. A much more interesting opening would be Listening to swallows trill in fresh grown reeds -- I rise. And I'd suggest more of the emot...
by TrevorConway
Fri Oct 16, 2020 9:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Chrysalis - revised
Replies: 10
Views: 101

Re: Chrysalis

Hi Ray, Some nice stuff here, especially the first stanza and a half or so. I felt like the shift was so big in the last half of the second verse that it was like a separate poem. I thought a fairly straightforward poem about caterpillars (since you describe them so well, with good ideas) was enough...
by TrevorConway
Thu Oct 15, 2020 4:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Forwarding
Replies: 7
Views: 88

Forwarding

Having found a home that fits his frilly criteria, even having paid a deposit, he consults his press, noting the level of his oregano jar to script his meals accordingly. With less space for books, he must decide whether he’ll ever actually read the conjugations of five hundred Spanish verbs. His di...
by TrevorConway
Wed Oct 14, 2020 8:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revision2)
Replies: 10
Views: 145

Re: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revised)

No prob, Mac. Yep, certainly try to avoid the info dump effect. Skilful writing can overcome it, though, a balance between detail and space/tone/pace. Good luck with it.

T
by TrevorConway
Tue Oct 13, 2020 9:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revision2)
Replies: 10
Views: 145

Re: Alfred Wallis: A Fisherman No More (revised)

Hi Mac, I struggled to engage fully with this one. I think it's the lack of, for me anyway, interesting details about him, and I think it really needs a shift in tone. It does kind of change at the end, but it feels a bit mawkish. If you're interested in re-thinking the details used, I had a look at...
by TrevorConway
Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Four Sunday Gods -v3
Replies: 19
Views: 238

Re: Paragliders

Hi Ray, I preferred the original title. It was a fantastic title, and the repetition of are gliders between the title and first line here doesn't sit well, I think. The grammar of the bracketed line feels a bit off, hence it was quite unclear to me, two. I'm guessing you mean that the shape of the t...
by TrevorConway
Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cycles
Replies: 5
Views: 89

Re: Cycles

Thanks very much for yere time and input, Not, Mac and Ray. Seems to be a consensus: I need to focus on the last verse and build from there or make the others more like it.

Much obliged, folks.

T
by TrevorConway
Thu Oct 08, 2020 5:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 249

Re: Spinoff v2 (Too Soon)

I like the revisions, Not. Still not convinced by the ending either. Is the stealing-words idea essential to your ending? If not, could the idea of ending before something/someone has "begun" fit in any way? Vague, I know, but I can't think of anything better.

T
by TrevorConway
Thu Oct 08, 2020 12:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 249

Re: Spinoff (Too Soon)

No prob, Not. Glad to help.

T
by TrevorConway
Wed Oct 07, 2020 8:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cycles
Replies: 5
Views: 89

Cycles

She sniffs fabric for the faintly sour scent of sweat, determines the chosen and shrugs them off hangers, pressing under her arm a mass that twists and hardens to a lump like gathered dough. Powder seems to avalanche from cardboard box to drawer, and as the slow beast grunts into its labour, she ima...
by TrevorConway
Wed Oct 07, 2020 8:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Spinoff v3 (Too Soon)
Replies: 17
Views: 249

Re: Spinoff (Too Soon)

Howdy Not, I didn't get who the subject is, but I found the phrasing enjoyable in a good few parts. There were a few parts where it felt as though the rhythm tripped up a bit (since you're clearly going for a limerick rhythm) and where you settled for something that could be improved on. It also lag...
by TrevorConway
Wed Oct 07, 2020 7:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Form
Replies: 5
Views: 741

Re: Form

Hi Ray, Interesting comparison/shift, though I found the shift too swift. It feels like there should be at least 2 verses on writing (and 3 would probably be better). I quite liked the tone, but felt it was let down by many of the last rhymes in each verse: "Thus I did obsess", "and my handicap", "t...
by TrevorConway
Sun Oct 04, 2020 8:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Clearing
Replies: 8
Views: 860

Re: Clearing

Hey Pauline,

Thanks very much for the feedback. Not miserable, just honest and helpful. I think it's already in the present tense, but I'll try a version in the first person, as you suggest. It might well give a better result.

Again, many thanks.

Trev
by TrevorConway
Sun Oct 04, 2020 8:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Careful
Replies: 17
Views: 1119

Re: Careful

Thanks again, Not. And thanks for your input, Ray. The anger and dissatisfaction were those of the parents. Maybe I need to make that a bit clearer, along with the reasons for the anger and dissatisfaction, although I'd imagine a fair few parents would understand the dissatisfaction part :D All the ...
by TrevorConway
Sat Oct 03, 2020 4:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Maple
Replies: 7
Views: 727

Re: Maple

No problem, Jackie. Great photo.

T
by TrevorConway
Thu Oct 01, 2020 11:01 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Clearing
Replies: 8
Views: 860

Re: Clearing

Thanks a mill, Not. Appreciate it.

T
by TrevorConway
Wed Sep 30, 2020 7:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Clearing
Replies: 8
Views: 860

Re: Clearing

Ah, you're making me think again, Not! I need a day off :D Thanks for pointing those things out. I think of a ruin as relating to structures such as houses, so I meant ruin as a metaphor in that context (which slightly changes the meaning of "of" here compared to a non-metaphorical use of it), but I...
by TrevorConway
Wed Sep 30, 2020 7:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Clearing
Replies: 8
Views: 860

Re: Clearing

Thanks, Mac. I meant "prehistoric" basically as a synonym for "dinosaur-like" rather than actually wanting to suggest that the sound of steel scraping would be around in prehistoric times, but I get that the connotation feels off or inappropriate, so maybe I'll change it to "metal" and change or rem...
by TrevorConway
Wed Sep 30, 2020 6:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Maple
Replies: 7
Views: 727

Re: Maple

Hi Jackie, Thumbs-up here, too. I like the quiet tone. Like Not, I stumble on that line, both because of the grammar in general and because I find "upon" is generally too stage-poetic in a poem. How about deleting that line and making the last three lines a verse by itself? I didn't have any problem...
by TrevorConway
Wed Sep 30, 2020 10:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Men Behaving Badly
Replies: 4
Views: 683

Re: Men Behaving Badly

Hi BL, I liked the rhythm in general, including the rap feel of it, as I like quite a lot of rap. There were time, though, where it felt you were too quick to get to the rhyme and where the rhyme/word choice didn't satisfy. Some comments and ideas incorporated for clarity below.Hope it helps. Trev I...
by TrevorConway
Tue Sep 29, 2020 10:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Careful
Replies: 17
Views: 1119

Re: Careful

Thanks, Not. Hmm, maybe the cot-fencing isn't clearly described. We strung/tied the sides of cots against the balcony to make it safer/more difficult to get through. Does that make sense based on how I described it? I wouldn't blame you for thinking I was getting yet another sleep deprivation refere...