The Poets' Graves Workshop

By the fountain of Eyre Square and the writhing flags of fourteen tribes, you hear a woman warn of sin till you feel the subtle slant of Shop Street, umbrellas held at sides, where sallow-skinned ladies hug Oscar Wilde. The beaten skin of a drum booms as sculpted piglets suckle sand; a Traveller boy...

Hi Perry, I don't think this poem needs to "say" anything in particular. It's a well-made character sketch, in my opinion. Some specifics below. All the best, T For twenty years my mother brought her lunch to work in Rubbermaid trays she would pop into the lunch-room microwave. Somehow I was lucky e...

Hi YDS, Thanks very much for your feedback. It's very much appreciated. Regarding the sparks, I hoped to get across the idea that the curls are the whole curls/clumps of hair, while the sparks are the tips of the curls. I've since placed a line between them, though I suspect it doesn't make much dif...

Thanks very much for all the feedback, Tristan, Not and Mac. Great to get yere fresh perspectives on it. I'll definitely change the ending a lot, and probably other bits. The ending was meant to convey the idea of not being able to show the child/enable her to somehow experience our past as a couple...

Hi Not, Pretty entertaining poem, though I'm not that familiar with British politics, so I'd imagine I'm not getting the full effect. I think the rhythm and tone work for the subject, but the length is just way too short to get much across. I think it's crying out for development. Could be more than...

To think of how your inky eyes unclouded to allow confessions of light, and through the months, your face thinned, your timid chin striking out on its own. Pictures whisper, “see how she’s grown, her skin gorging on milk and sleep,” and all those curls we coveted would finally offer their sparks to ...

No bother, Tristan. Glad to help.

Good luck with it,

T

Hi Tristan, I quite like this. The thought process is great, especially how it works itself out at the end. The title felt a bit too blunt/plain. How about giving it a slight twist and just adding a slash between the words: "Identity/Politics"? Just a thought. I think the tone works well in general,...

Hi Perry, Thanks a lot for the feedback. I like to strike the right balance between vagueness/ambiguity/fresh language and focus/clarity. Too straight a telling can just be boring, while too vague can be annoying/unengaging. Will keep your ideas in mind when revising, and yes, maybe "fireplace" give...

Hi Tony, The last 2 verses were a nice, satisfying pay-off here. I found the first verse a bit too high-falutin', I suppose. I know you wanted to build it up, but maybe just a bit subtler would hit the right note. I'm thinking mainly of "glorious technicolour" and "the fervent". Simpler language wou...

Hi Not, I enjoyed this character sketch, in a similar way to how I enjoy the Kinks song Dedicated Follower of Fashion, though somehow enjoyed it less when I realised it was Boris (based on comments in the thread). Reading it again in hindsight, I see plenty of Boris-like details in the first 3 verse...

Thanks for the feedback, Not. I agree with some points, for sure, such as the glimpse and the ringing (I had clothing, but that felt obvious), so hopefully I'll find suitable alternatives for them. Ah, of course, the Notre Dame fire. Interesting connotation.

T

In you, I see splinters of sun, a rivery rhythm that lifts you into the dark, a cathedral of flaming spires ringing warmth as my immigrant arms reach out. I glimpse the excitement of those who first hatched you from a feverish act of friction, wonder whether the first searing of meat came fumbling f...

Hey Ray, Nice work. Although the title fits with the football team, it kind of threw me off (the "if she's out of his league, why are they shagging?" reaction). How about "Avoiding the Drop"? Could it work better to avoid mentoring York City until the end? (e.g. "yet to reach York City"). Not much t...

ps. Instead of the bold at the end, it's supposed to be a capital B for the start of the quote. Since I put it in square brackets, the site changed the formatting to bold instead of showing a B in square brackets.

T

Hey Not, Very enjoyable read, well-handled, and I think the prosey structure works well for the subject. I'm not sure which title I prefer best. I quite like both. Would "Cowboys: A Homeowner..." be an option? Some structural changes applied below. Apart from that, any changes/suggestions are indica...

Thanks, Lotus. If you're saying that part/idea felt like the essence/core of the poem, that's helpful to know.

T

Hi Not, Thanks again for all the feedback. Really appreciate. I was trying to get across a surreal scenario/dream where people can escape the tough stages of parenthood and go straight to grandparenthood, with less responsibility, etc. There's lots to work on, as with a lot of these poems I'm postin...

On wake-laden nights, squeezed between my daughter’s cries, I’ve succumbed to a land of elated grandparents who’ve somehow escaped this brutal stage of having a child themselves, innocent to rabid demands and nights opaque to hope. I’ve woken, wanting to feel my face abruptly wrinkled, unfettered, a...

Hi Bauddha60, Welcome to this neck of the woods. For what it's worth, I found the tone a bit too samey in the first 2 verses, so I'd suggest condensing them into one tighter verse. In particular, some familiar phrases (like "flesh and bone", "cut the cord" and maybe "release from pain", too) gave th...

Hi Poet, I agree that the poem uses too many words to say what it wants to say. I'm not a big fan of repetition in poetry either, but I know plenty like it, and I have seen some use it pretty well, so it's probably fair to say it's a subjective, matter-of-taste thing, to a degree. Agree with Not as ...

Thanks a lot for giving your input, Not. Appreciate it.

Never be mild,

T

Anybody else got feedback on this poem? Is the tone way off?

Thanks for any help with it,

T

Can I join in on the collaboration? I like elements of what Tristan has suggested. See if you can take anything from my revision below. It is not that oceans fill the throats of our sins, but wealth may buy its own silence. I don't think it feels complete by itself, though, more like a good beginnin...

Hi Tatterdemalion, I like your latest version of this best. Can't give loads in the way of suggestions, as it hits so many good notes, but a few comments below. All the best, Trevor I don’t believe in poets who go on television [or "appear" or "speak" on television? More active] and play the part of...