Search found 361 matches

by Basnik
Tue May 24, 2011 8:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In Pavilion Gardens (woz Dissecting frogs)
Replies: 22
Views: 1091

Re: Dissecting frogs (revision)

Hi Mic, I like the energy of the flock of words, and you extend that image well. I felt the start was a bit slow, and might be tempted to begin with the flock of words. The pigeons and post-it isn't doing much for me, I'm afraid but I like the detail of the Pavilion Gardens and wonder if you could b...
by Basnik
Tue May 24, 2011 8:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Abstinence
Replies: 21
Views: 1070

Re: Abstinence

Hi, Liked the first line, great attention grabber, and the second line works well, third line I'd lose the 'and' to compress the phrasing a little, perhaps. Second stanza: I'm not keen on the line break in the first line with the adjective 'last', maybe it could end on a verb to carry the action acr...
by Basnik
Tue May 24, 2011 8:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pen with string
Replies: 4
Views: 260

Re: Pen with string

I liked the link rhyme - especially pertinent with a pen on a string but then it disappeared. I would vote for its continuance if poss. Otherwise, I'm not digging the blues, man. Isn't this the dispassionate pen narrating? Anyway, good idea, just needs to travel somewhere further in my humble etc. R...
by Basnik
Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:49 pm
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: TRB 3: The Fly by Miroslav Holub
Replies: 17
Views: 4943

Re: TRB 3: The Fly by Miroslav Holub

Hi, I've been looking all over for the original Czech of 'The Fly' and it eludes me, I'm afraid. Here is one with flies in it called Krajiny, The Countryside: KRAJINY Domy vytřeštily oči. (do stress my unstress vy unstress, trest stress il unstress y unstress oc stress i unstress) Někdo se ještě chv...
by Basnik
Mon Apr 25, 2011 9:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hyacinths
Replies: 9
Views: 1211

Re: Hyacinths

Thanks for the further feedback and suggestions. Geoff, interesting idea about the conjunctions - it would have that effect of making the phrasing even more concise but I don't want it to fall quite that far into the foreign. Peter, thanks for your comments, really appreciated. Og, great points - I'...
by Basnik
Thu Apr 21, 2011 12:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hyacinths
Replies: 9
Views: 1211

Re: Hyacinths

Hi, thanks for the feedback, really appreciated. It's not a translation, it's original work. I can see how that might come across though as I've been looking to employ Czech metrics into English poetry. In Czech the first syllable is always stressed and the rest are unstressed so there are a lot of ...
by Basnik
Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hyacinths
Replies: 9
Views: 1211

Hyacinths

Gingerbread house, shaded by the totem, Lenka, lover, fairy-winged and barefoot. Her grandmother cursing my widening, spell-lost eyes, an other man from an island, uncomfortably welcome. Hyacinths, I gave her, blue-grey, silken, fascinating, other-worldly, a token. 'Blood spilt by a jealous lover,' ...
by Basnik
Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Moving
Replies: 18
Views: 747

Re: Moving

Hi, I hope you don't lose uvula, it's a tremendously evocative image and the personification here acting as it dobalanced wits with the idea of recovery of the people. It's a tremendous poem, and the fading line lengths, with its subtle negatives are beautifully handled. I like the assonance shot th...
by Basnik
Tue Mar 29, 2011 9:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Equinox
Replies: 21
Views: 1233

Re: Equinox

Hi, Some really good lines here - liked the 'humming drone songs through skinny air,' especially. I like the metre here: trochee, spondee, iamb, iamb. I would like to see it a bit more consistent throughout the poem. The alternate rhyme in the second stanza is unexpected. I think 'budding' is better...
by Basnik
Tue Mar 29, 2011 8:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: White
Replies: 16
Views: 733

Re: White

Hi Nash, I like the second line and it's heavier rhythm. For me the first stanza works very well and it's concise lines carry their freight well. Personally, although I am clearly in the minority, perhaps of one, I found the second stanza less effective an a little fussy, with it's longer lines, alt...
by Basnik
Tue Mar 29, 2011 8:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: becalmed
Replies: 14
Views: 683

Re: becalmed

Hi,
I like the metre etc as well, and so would like the Carapace line to have another stressed foot and for the second stanza, which is definitely the untidiest of the three to be tidied up, especially the first line. I like the scaffolding line as well.

Regards,

Rich
by Basnik
Thu Feb 24, 2011 10:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Conversation with a synesthete
Replies: 11
Views: 552

Re: Conversation with a synesthete

Hi, I thought this was interesting and well-realised. I prefer the punctuation, at least the question mark on the turquoise, without it there is too much ambiguity. Great ending, perfectly pitched. I wonder if there are any drawbacks to being a synesthete and whether that could be interesting to exp...
by Basnik
Thu Feb 24, 2011 9:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Zola's Song
Replies: 3
Views: 256

Re: Zola's Song

Hi Ben, I think it could stand more development as well - wanted a bit more about the relationship. Felt the song elements, the refrains etc worked and the patois was credible to my ears. The only nit there is 'before rain come' as I think It's just 'for rain done come.' I taught patois on a linguis...
by Basnik
Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Stupid Boy
Replies: 6
Views: 423

Re: Stupid Boy

Hi, Og, Ray you're right, last verse should be 'could've'. Post in haste, repent in leisure - will edit. The beginning phrasing is just there to suggest a ballad, limericky feel, the italicised bit in s.3 is the narrator's interpretation of what she meant with the hush. The so is short for 'just so'...
by Basnik
Thu Feb 17, 2011 12:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Stupid Boy
Replies: 6
Views: 423

Stupid Boy

Sundays at three came Jana, smiling at my English, laughing at my Czech, sipping her cup of tea just so, before climbing on my bed. She always seemed dressed so for church, weightless in her blue dress, fragrant in her perfume, with eyes that held mischief and hands that held time, we made do in my ...
by Basnik
Tue Feb 15, 2011 11:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Featured Poem - Experienced - January 2011
Replies: 4
Views: 1347

Re: Featured Poem - Experienced - January 2011

Hi David,

Thanks for the inclusion, especially along with this particular month's crop and well done, Bodkin.

Rich Basnik
by Basnik
Sat Jan 29, 2011 5:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Pennine Winter - Triolet - edit
Replies: 15
Views: 799

Re: Pennine Winter - Triolet

Hi, Like the form, forgotten this one - you could always this is a variation, works for me! I would look at l.5, bit sibilant and the jump from gh to c is awkward in the first few words. Can you leave out 'light's' altogether, probably not, but the pome may benefit from it. This is a very visual for...
by Basnik
Sat Jan 29, 2011 4:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: idiot savant
Replies: 17
Views: 888

Re: idiot savant

Hi, I like this - very strong and memorable imagery. My only problem was that I wanted a bit more of a link between the first stanza and the last few. Could there maybe more of a conenction between the artist using black and the Rorschach patterns? For some reason I want there to be! Stanzas 2 and 3...
by Basnik
Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Kristallnacht
Replies: 22
Views: 1155

Re: Kristallnacht

Hi Bren,

I liked this one. It's really made by the juxtapositioning of the movement and motivation of the cat with the action of the outside men. Version 2 for me.

Cheers

Rich Basnik
by Basnik
Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Slipknots and loopholes
Replies: 27
Views: 1274

Re: Slipknots and loopholes

Hi Ros, I enjoyed this, loved the phrasing and the obliqueness. I agree the first stanza has too many parallel phrases, and the second has an odd ballerina, ice skate confusion, deliberate or otherwise. I liked the fluidity of the lines - it seems like it's mostly a four stress line but you have the...
by Basnik
Wed Jan 12, 2011 10:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Centrum
Replies: 10
Views: 704

Re: Centrum

Hi, Thanks for all your comments, some really useful feedback and I'm glad it's working in the main. David, glad you like it. I'm going to try and get away with 'frowsy' with glass. I did buy 'paste' thinking it was toothpaste and found it was a meat paste - it wasn't with the other meat stuff I swe...
by Basnik
Sun Jan 09, 2011 5:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Centrum
Replies: 10
Views: 704

Centrum

The shop of their past future: a frowsy cube of glass squatting on concrete. Row on row of gherkins, vegetables in brine, crates of beer, of mango juice. I lumbered through the store in English uniform. Why is he here? They smiled I only bought cream cheese and ham, Germanic crisps, those soft bread...
by Basnik
Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Winter Winds- 2nd edit
Replies: 16
Views: 830

Re: Winter Winds- edit

Hi, I enjoyed this a lot, very evocative. I think it works as a long poem, I just wondered if there could be more of a link between s.2 and s.3. Some beautiful lines here. The 'audible lighthouse' is especially good. I wonder if there could be more of a sense of being close to a crash throughout to ...
by Basnik
Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Very Blue Movie
Replies: 4
Views: 286

Re: A Very Blue Movie

Hi Ben, You've used it's when you meant its, I think in s.4 and 5. I learnt a new word, 'contrails'. I thought it was going to be a Two Ronnies sketch in s. 2. I like the shift in the last stanza but it hadn't been that affecting up until then. I didn't feel I knew the people involved, and so I wasn...
by Basnik
Sun Dec 05, 2010 8:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Leek Soup
Replies: 9
Views: 705

Re: Leek Soup

I enjoyed a lot of this. The first part was very sensual and gave a really interesting dynamic. I felt the jump after the Volta was so abrupt that it needed a line break. I also felt it wasn't quite so strong as the first section. The 'dregs of the year' felt Hardyesque and a little bit timeworn. Ho...