Search found 361 matches

by Basnik
Thu Oct 24, 2013 7:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: He knew the score
Replies: 13
Views: 704

Re: Gutted

Hi Ray, Good work here, I thought. I like that appropriation of language taking the banal into the serious. I played around with it, just a few thoughts, hope you don't mind. You know the score Suicide was hanging up your boots when the season was only early doors, going to ground too soon, not wait...
by Basnik
Thu Oct 24, 2013 7:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Still at the Pier
Replies: 12
Views: 587

Re: Still at the Pier

Hi,

I like the interposition of songs but I thought there might be more you could do with that i.e. write from more of a child's perspective to go with the songs? Otherwise, it's not really saying much apart from you're bored.

Regards,
Rich
by Basnik
Thu Oct 24, 2013 7:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On the misprizing of sons
Replies: 8
Views: 575

Re: On the misprizing of sons

Hi David, I like the folksy antithesis going on. It's quite slight but it is a little poem after all. The one thing I would change is 'daughter's' as a line ending - loses its impact having a possessive, I think. I would start the next line with 'is like' so the simile stays together. Take or leave,...
by Basnik
Fri May 24, 2013 4:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Belle
Replies: 18
Views: 1014

Re: Belle

I see your point, Ray. I was reading recently about the number of people who actually volunteered for this. Saw it as a way of expiating sin. Although, I suppose Blanche never saw herself particularly as a sinner so it would work to me only as a forced choice rather than an actual choice. Anyway, yo...
by Basnik
Sun May 19, 2013 8:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Legacy
Replies: 12
Views: 1158

Re: Legacy

I think the meter needs work to make this smoother. I'm not against using myth in poetry but what are you actually doing with it, I wonder? The phrasing with all its 'unbridled chaos' etc feels a bit showy but that's probably more about my taste than the poem's effectiveness for others. Best wishes,...
by Basnik
Sun May 19, 2013 9:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Sestinas and Incipient Insanity
Replies: 18
Views: 1269

Re: Sestinas and Incipient Insanity

Very funny, Geoff - this would be great for teaching sestinas - perhaps for warning incipient poets to read, laugh and then walk away from that new Princeton.

Best wishes,
Rich
by Basnik
Sun May 19, 2013 9:37 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Belle
Replies: 18
Views: 1014

Re: Belle

Hi Ray, It was interesting because I know the play quite well but a bit too dependent on the original, I think. I was confused by 'of choice' as if she were able to choose anything. I like the way you've interwoven motifs from the play. The scarf on the bulb reference isn't quite working I think. Pe...
by Basnik
Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Winter visiting
Replies: 13
Views: 862

Re: Winter visiting

Hi, I liked it overall, especially line 3. I can see the assonance in 'in it' with 'whipped' etc but I'm not keen on that line. I got the sense that it's a alternative future poem - if it hadn't snowed we would have to... and about the serendipity of having to spend time with neighbours. I wasn't so...
by Basnik
Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: And horns (revised)
Replies: 9
Views: 675

Re: And horns

Hi Joe,

Not much to add, I'm afraid. I just wanted to write that I've read and re-read this one and enjoyed it greatly.

Look forward to seeing more of your work.

Rich
by Basnik
Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:14 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Skips
Replies: 10
Views: 707

Re: Skips

Hi, Lexi, thank you for taking the time to edit the poem - I always like those kind of crits, they are usually, as this one is, very thoughtful. I find it hard to let go of the fuller narrative but I do like what you have done with this one. You are probably right about that being the emotional core...
by Basnik
Sat Apr 06, 2013 11:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Skips
Replies: 10
Views: 707

Re: Skips

Thanks for the comments. Rich, you are right it was based on a real life event and so it's difficult to judge how much detail is needed to get across so that it makes sense to those not in the know. Thanks for the feedback, as that's very important to know if it hasn't got enough clarity yet. I see ...
by Basnik
Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Skips
Replies: 10
Views: 707

Skips

Revision My son's headaches started with implacable sobs: he was panicked, hyperventilating, panting so fast his words were flurrying. I nodded, and heard his grief about grandma's cottage; frantic, he was, at losing his ground, his memories robbed when the place was sold. He won't accept it, shan't...
by Basnik
Mon Feb 18, 2013 11:13 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Miss Cuff’s Complaint
Replies: 14
Views: 904

Re: Miss Cuff’s Complaint

Hi,

Had a few extra thoughts prompted by the literal and symbolic weakness of knot (thanks Geoff)
by Basnik
Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Miss Cuff’s Complaint
Replies: 14
Views: 904

Re: Miss Cuff’s Complaint

Hi all, Thank you for the excellent advice and in the revisions above I hope I've addressed some of the suggestions. I went for an even more specific word for cancer as I wanted to get her exactitude across. I understand the issues of directness here. I think she would not be coy. I think you are ri...
by Basnik
Mon Feb 11, 2013 10:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Miss Cuff’s Complaint
Replies: 14
Views: 904

Re: Miss Cuff’s Complaint

Thanks Seth, I did have a toy with the s.2 first and it did work quite well so interesting that you suggested that. I wonder what others will think. I guess I didn't want the 'cancer poem' tag, so thought I'd introduce it later on.

Thanks for the read and crit.

Rich
by Basnik
Mon Feb 11, 2013 9:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Miss Cuff’s Complaint
Replies: 14
Views: 904

Miss Cuff’s Complaint

How wearying it is to labour with the lame of mind, a term of Lear and one understands natural selection, and my colleague, my goodness, such deficient vowels; as she declaims her querulous diatribe against men, I can only think: don’t associate with such fools, find those of discernment, and failin...
by Basnik
Mon Feb 11, 2013 8:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Beyond Sahel
Replies: 4
Views: 492

Re: Beyond Sahel

Hi Og, I'm afraid I would agree with the others. At the moment it feels like it's trying too hard to say that it's saying something important but I'm not sure what it's saying, if you can understand that convoluted statement! When I first arrived, I shouted at the desert, to see if I could change it...
by Basnik
Mon Feb 11, 2013 8:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Pause in February
Replies: 30
Views: 3101

Re: A Pause in February

Hi Suzanne, I thought this was lovely: evocative and joyful. Can I just make a suggestion regarding the line breaks though (and a little edit!): I led twenty-one children into a frenzy of song and movement on the blue mat that floated in a sea of muted linoleum. Feet pounded the floor in unison, joy...
by Basnik
Mon Feb 11, 2013 8:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Note
Replies: 9
Views: 656

Re: Note

Hi Mic,

I like the changes in the revision but I agree with nash hat the new line breaks feel a little awkward. The upward and fallen felt odd but i guess that was the point. I like the my own voice, and I agree it is both familiar and strange, nice observation.

Cheers,

Rich
by Basnik
Tue Feb 05, 2013 9:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Love Dies Slowly
Replies: 3
Views: 392

Re: Love Dies Slowly

Tell the Tories!
by Basnik
Tue Feb 05, 2013 9:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Hamon of the Billowing Waves (JPG added)
Replies: 33
Views: 2600

Re: Hamon of the Billowing Waves (JPG added)

Hi, I have a few ideas about the line endings and edits - please take or leave etc. Lift to the light, twist slowly, watch as billowing waves arise, roll across a Kanagawa sky, endless interplay of in and yo, a pliant yet unyielding blade. Merit/ Steel/ Mettle +++++++++++++++++++ A demonstration of ...
by Basnik
Tue Feb 05, 2013 8:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To the Woman I Marry
Replies: 9
Views: 764

Re: To the Woman I Marry

There's something about the tone at the end and the set up conceit that interests but overall, for me, it's too slight. Sounds like a great piece of dialogue in a film. Give me more of the film though.

Regards,
Rich
by Basnik
Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Ratings and Reviews
Replies: 5
Views: 373

Re: Ratings and Reviews

Thanks for your readings - glad you enjoyed. I understand what you mean about the questioning, it's a bit of a hectoring read. Probably needs to be a bit shorter too.

Thanks,

Rich
by Basnik
Tue Jan 29, 2013 9:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Ratings and Reviews
Replies: 5
Views: 373

Ratings and Reviews

Imagine yourself reduced to an app, a square icon of screen clutter, which image would you choose? Would you display some ill-digested cant? or a timer to time yourself wasting time? Would you update quickly? Slowly? Could they really fix those bugs? Would you follow everyone in silence? Or would yo...
by Basnik
Tue Jan 29, 2013 9:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Halfway up this mountain
Replies: 24
Views: 1189

Re: Halfway up this mountain

Hi, Really liked the 'dipped in greys and pinks' brought the two worlds back somehow, as f they were handled too. I feel the link generally though is a little too, what's the word, easy? Not sure. It's the here's one thing, here's another, structure. Just to be contrary, I would prefer the two objec...