Search found 361 matches

by Basnik
Sun Feb 01, 2009 9:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Joy Ridden
Replies: 8
Views: 558

Re: Joy Ridden

Hi Og, I had a slightly different intention in mind. In S 1 I was hoping to describe that moment when the senses finally give in to drunkeness and send the body crashing to the street. Rather than a joy rider I was trying to portray someone whose Bacchanallian impulses would always take him over the...
by Basnik
Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Evening (revised)
Replies: 13
Views: 1320

Re: Evening

Just to say that I always think of nettles as dark (especially wet!) so very much like the image in the penultimate line. I think the way it contrasts with the air and light of the previous line is delicately realised. If you had 'their' instead of 'the' in the last line you would create the feeling...
by Basnik
Tue Jan 27, 2009 9:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fridayhill
Replies: 10
Views: 635

Re: Fridayhill

Hi, Interesting poem - generates quite a few questions. I suppose the Sabbath and the sixth day are related and so I liked 'Venerean' with its different theology (would you have gone for Venereal' with its liquid alliteration with knoll if the word hadn't been corrupted, as it were?) I like the iamb...
by Basnik
Tue Jan 27, 2009 9:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Impoverished
Replies: 9
Views: 609

Re: Impoverished

Hi, First time round critiquing for me, so excuse any gaucheness on my part. I was really struck by the first two stanzas, especially the epiphonic quality of: It brings you to yourself -- clouds draped and bloused like white peasant shirts over churches and museums. although I liked even more the c...
by Basnik
Tue Jan 27, 2009 8:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Joy Ridden
Replies: 8
Views: 558

Re: Joy Ridden

Thank you for the compliment - really appreciate it. I think the green-grey would be less green but I'm not sure about how the vowels would work in green-grey eggs, because you would go from the ay of grey into the ay of eggs and to achieve another g (eggs) after the g of grey might be too much - th...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 19, 2009 7:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Image
Replies: 4
Views: 303

Re: Image

I liked this a lot, especially the extended celery metaphor. Have you tried it with just the second and third stanzas so that it has more of a haikuic (sic) feel to it? In the last line do you need the 'they', we know already that it is the remains and by omitting it you have 'spread far and wide wh...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 19, 2009 7:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: New Horizons
Replies: 7
Views: 498

Re: New Horizons

I know this has been done a bit before but why not put more of a movement in the lines to echo the travelling? If you'll forgive the rewrite: Nerves jangled as rails Ricocheted away to a new life far away A decision reached, now reconsidered Crackling commuters fuelled fear Mind painted an horizon o...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 19, 2009 7:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Joy Ridden
Replies: 8
Views: 558

Re: Joy Ridden

Thank you for your comments - it's the first poem I've contributed so I was a bit tentative about the whole process. 'Slightly too green' pushed me into a reverie! I was going for the 'grey-grain' 'grey grain' sound parallelism. I do like the 'swore and coughed out Sonya' idea - will adopt it. Thank...
by Basnik
Sun Jan 18, 2009 7:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Joy Ridden
Replies: 8
Views: 558

Joy Ridden

Joy Ridden Grey-grain footage abruptly ends, a nova implodes, the street heaves; he wakes with vacant gull-like eyes. Last night in melancholic pride, through a teary patina, an albumenic lens the moon was running over the brim with consolation, meaning, love. A far cry from this glare. His wife, in...
by Basnik
Sun Jan 18, 2009 7:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Stranger
Replies: 13
Views: 681

Re: Stranger

Hi, I like and yet am slightly disturbed by 'laminating!' I'm not sure I would go for the description of who the 'you' was, the: 'An opportunist Scavenger of Pure sexual ether' I would just keep to the description of the action so we could mind the gap, as it were. I liked it though - feels like it ...
by Basnik
Sun Jan 18, 2009 7:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Poppies
Replies: 18
Views: 923

Re: Fate and destiny

Hi Suzanne, I like the sentiments very much and I think the lines'...if given the chance/I would climb into that waiting space/ where hopes and dreams are held,' are really effective as they give that sense of hope and potential that I feel you are conveying. I do feel, though, that it feels a bit u...