Search found 361 matches

by Basnik
Tue Jan 29, 2013 9:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Odd Sock Syndrome (EDITED)
Replies: 23
Views: 1254

Re: Odd Sock Syndrome (EDITED)

I think the end rhymes are less subtle perhaps but it's not an especially subtle subject so I think they were work. I really do think a children's anthology would be interested in this if you changed the F**k. Especially know the rhymes are more chiming and driving.

Really good stuff.

Rich
by Basnik
Tue Jan 29, 2013 9:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Our lost sagas
Replies: 11
Views: 648

Re: Our lost sagas

Liked this one a lot. How about 'strolling players' for 'dramatis personae'. Although, you do have epithets and other Latinate phrases so not sure it's such a big deal. Brave to use litotes in Orwell week but it's a great line and extended conceit. I'm not sure about reanimate and might, feels too t...
by Basnik
Thu Jan 24, 2013 3:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Oche (edited)
Replies: 12
Views: 670

Re: Oche (edited)

I've made a few changes that make the context a little clearer, and tighten up the expression, I hope. Thanks for all your suggestions.

Rich
by Basnik
Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:38 pm
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: Kathleen Jamie
Replies: 11
Views: 1354

Re: Kathleen Jamie

Hi all,

I really like Kathleen Jamie's work - I loved her book of essays, 'Sightlines' - would really recommend it.

Rich
by Basnik
Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:29 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Oche (edited)
Replies: 12
Views: 670

Re: Oche

Dear Ray, Thanks for the comments - will reply more fully later but must clear up a point of terminology. 'Carpentry darts' means you hit the wood around the dartboard - derision ensues. A 'wanker's fifty' is when someone crap at darts gets 20, 18 and 12 with three darts - they are evenly-spaced but...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Odd Sock Syndrome (EDITED)
Replies: 23
Views: 1254

Re: Odd Sock Syndrome (another oldie re-worked)

Hi Geoff, Great opening - brilliant visual set up: Fifteen stone, on tiptoe, a squat Sumo in a pale blue tutu slipped into my room, fag dangling from her lip, tripped over Tiddles, flipped - needs something before flipped, 'pirouetted, twirled and flipped' maybe? onto the bed where, luckily, her fal...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Planet Earth Is Blue
Replies: 13
Views: 837

Re: Planet Earth Is Blue

Hi Oskar, I prefer the bits that rhyme, not because I'm a rhymist but because they sound funnier. The first stanza, which for a comic poem has to set the tone and really deliver the premise, absolutely does that in terms of the detail, but the phrasing, 'but in this I've found my voice' isn't workin...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: My Favourite Glass
Replies: 13
Views: 742

Re: My Favourite Glass

Dear Ray, Loved the energy of this and the rhymes work really well. I imagine this would work great in performance or set to music as well. I love 'aftermath/ of jig and fizz that flowed and splashed...' Crits? Well, can liquor be flat? I'm sure it can be, but it doesn't sound as obvious as other sp...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Oche (edited)
Replies: 12
Views: 670

Re: Oche

Dear all, Sorry I haven't replied earlier. Thank you for the time you've taken and the useful feedback. Jane, I owe you an apology as I really, on reflection, haven't done enough work to orientate the reader. The epigraph is more a funny way of introducing how seriously some people take darts, and y...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 14, 2013 10:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Oche (edited)
Replies: 12
Views: 670

Oche (edited)

V.2 'When Alexander of Macedon was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Eric Bristow is 23.' Sid Waddell My brother said I could stay if I shut the fuck up, so I slunk in the corner, inhaling the fug of sweet acrid rollies, the talk of gash. The arrows thud thud thud...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 14, 2013 9:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Bus 106, January
Replies: 10
Views: 730

Re: Bus 106 in January

Dear Suzanne, I liked this - I thought it worked the two places together well, although by having them in separate stanzas it is a bit telegraphed. The quirkiness of the language, the little reversals, repetitions, keep it interesting for me. I like the wistful tone at the end, and the euphony of th...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 14, 2013 9:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Apples Can Be Deceiving
Replies: 11
Views: 760

Re: Apples Can Be Deceiving

I think this gets rather overwhelmed by its conceit. There are some great lines: ...keep you nose clean/and out of jars, be content without/ the chunk of cheese,..' but there is also some portentous abstract stuff like in that same stanza, '...the charming allure/of compliments fed to your starved v...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 14, 2013 9:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Women's Faces (v2)
Replies: 21
Views: 1083

Re: Women's Faces (v2)

Dear Seth, I liked the sense of passivity, of gaze and then the dynamic verb 'jumping' which changes the tone completely. To be honest I'm not keen on the sun at the end (I sound like a right curmudgeon). The choice of verb has already made the transformation in relationship between this women and t...
by Basnik
Mon Jan 14, 2013 9:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Coming down the lane
Replies: 12
Views: 724

Re: Coming down the lane

Hi David, I think it seems a significant poem for any poet to write about family and appreciating people who are dear to you, and the simplicity hinging on the litotes of the lane (!) is compelling. It is sentimental but in the right, human way and some of the more well-worn images are used knowingl...
by Basnik
Tue Oct 09, 2012 10:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Captain
Replies: 12
Views: 766

Re: Captain

Hi k-j I liked the main section of your poem, the conceit, the form, a lovely short choppy terza rima, all working brilliantly. I just didn't like the start, I'm afraid. I think this sort of jaunty shanty needs a more direct start, I want to be launched straight in! I was also not keen on recipes ei...
by Basnik
Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fish
Replies: 15
Views: 674

Re: Fish

Some great lines here, Ray - I like the lighthouse, candle idea. The fact that he is so unknown makes this more chilling but also takes out a lot of the emotion that one would expect in a poem on this subject. Which I think is the effect you were striving for. I may be wrong and probably am. Most of...
by Basnik
Thu Oct 04, 2012 9:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Lustration
Replies: 30
Views: 1207

Re: Lustration

Hi Ros, I like the semantics of lustration, and the sense of both meanings does come through, I feel, in this really interesting, disturbing poem. My only sense of something not quite right was the ending where the internal rhyme and repetition of the penultimate line created so much of a tonal forc...
by Basnik
Thu Oct 04, 2012 9:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Relic
Replies: 8
Views: 580

Re: Relic

Just a quick thank you for your readings, Peter and Wilcken, both encouraging and yet ensuring I'm not complacent with this one. Will work on tightening it up.

Appreciate your time,
Rich
by Basnik
Sun Sep 30, 2012 2:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Relic
Replies: 8
Views: 580

Re: Relic

Hello, Thanks for the reads. Sorry it's not to your taste, ljordan, I suspect you are right and that it is probably over prosaic but believe me it has already gone through a fair bit of pruning. David, thanks as well for your kind comments. For me, it is a looser form than some I have used in the pa...
by Basnik
Sun Sep 23, 2012 12:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Relic
Replies: 8
Views: 580

Re: Relic

Thanks for the comments, Ray You're right about Blackjack but although grammatically dodgy the shops were called 'Asia' markets rather than Asian. Will change to vasectomised. Quite like the half repetition though because of the f an th patterning but I see what you mean. It is, I suspect, as you su...
by Basnik
Thu Sep 20, 2012 9:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Relic
Replies: 8
Views: 580

Relic

The long hill of a high street has changed. No longer the dowdy greys and greens, the vestiges of Communism, now it is a blazon of invitations for Blackjack, night clubs and Asia markets. Half the shops are the same, freshly painted with hope, selling chances, the other half derelict, windows broken...
by Basnik
Wed May 23, 2012 8:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Long Count Codex (mind the gap) (2nd rev.)
Replies: 15
Views: 1262

Re: Long Count Codex (mind the gap)

Hi, I liked quite a few ideas in this - the eject button, the half-life of secrets. But it's a bit too clever for my taste. The ludic tone interweaving with the physics just feels overdone to me. The lines are really irregular, and whilst there is some nice phrasing, it feels a bit loose and prosy -...
by Basnik
Wed May 23, 2012 7:51 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Helena Augusta
Replies: 15
Views: 1329

Re: Helena Augusta

Hi David, Lovely fluency to the writing as always. Didn't feel the jump between this Helen and the mother was strong enough though. The quality of the Helen that we start with, the adventurousness, is not really followed through and then we get another quality, the useful knack of discovery. I also ...
by Basnik
Wed May 23, 2012 7:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Concert
Replies: 16
Views: 910

Re: The Concert

Hi Ros, I loved the the mood of this but I do agree that the narrative is not exactly suspenseful if there is as a conspiracy mentioned even as a simile in the first line, so I agree with those who have mentioned that. Most of the details were evocative, interesting -I tried to read it first without...
by Basnik
Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Bittersweet
Replies: 25
Views: 2347

Re: Bittersweet

Hi both, I really enjoyed this, brilliant stuff, inspiring. It's so easy to let the odd serviceable but dull line into a sequence like this, but it is all really strong, imho. The only word that held me up was 'amber' for the amber foam - all those crass beer ads from the 80's spoiling my reading! (...