Search found 1159 matches

by Jackie
Sun Nov 04, 2018 8:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Visit
Replies: 15
Views: 2186

Re: The Visit

I should have been a little nicer to Jackie.
Not to worry, Perry. I wasn't that considerate to you—sorry I didn't explain myself.

I've had the experience of trying to punch and wheedle a short story into poetry format, and thought you might be weighing the two options yourself.

Jackie
by Jackie
Sun Nov 04, 2018 11:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Visit
Replies: 15
Views: 2186

Re: The Visit

This is an interesting read, Perry, and the ending works beautifully.

I'm afraid I don't understand, though, why you are calling it a poem rather than a short story.

Jackie
by Jackie
Sat Nov 03, 2018 4:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Soul- cakes ( was Villanelle)
Replies: 15
Views: 2949

Re: Villanelle

Hi Tony, I love meeting poets who write villanelles! I look forward to two really dynamite repeating lines that sound better each time, along with climbing suspense. If that's not a challenge to write, I don't know what is. Your spooky setting is perfect for suspense, but I would be more drawn to yo...
by Jackie
Fri Nov 02, 2018 2:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Staying Safe
Replies: 14
Views: 3513

Re: Staying Safe

I've enjoyed reading this over and over, Suzanne, and find myself preferring parts of both versions. The power dynamic is fascinating. The title tells me that the power to initiate is in his hands, and it threatens, overwhelms you. Only he can need a fence—you seem to acknowledge that—yet he has no ...
by Jackie
Thu Nov 01, 2018 9:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Millennial's Torch Song Ver. 2
Replies: 11
Views: 2564

Re: A Millennial's Torch Song Ver. 2

The revision works much better for me than the original, Charles. The photos are coming alive. I especially like the line proofs that life has carried you away from me , I think because it’s unexpected. Perhaps you could do with more unexpected language here—I must have said “an age ago” hundreds of...
by Jackie
Fri Oct 26, 2018 9:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Third Personning (2nd revision)
Replies: 9
Views: 1669

Re: Third Personning

Jules, I take “third personning” to be the way one self-presents to a stranger. The Ns say that they pay attention not to how they look, but to what they do and say. I like the parallelism between S4 and 6. The last line confuses me. I like that it is in the present perfect, implying that the situat...
by Jackie
Fri Oct 26, 2018 8:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Light Verse
Replies: 15
Views: 2451

Re: Light Verse

Hi Ross,

I’m enjoying the succinctness of this (I usually wander during dream descriptions).

Maybe you’d consider these three things: a) moving the first line to the end of the poem, b) removing the comma from the ellipsis, and c) doing away with “the scene” in line 7.

Just thoughts.

Jackie
by Jackie
Fri Oct 26, 2018 8:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Man Cave
Replies: 12
Views: 1643

Re: Man Cave

Perry, thank you for explaining your intentions in writing the poem.

I do see wanting to change people's opinions about the social problems you describe, and I agree that satire is a good way to do it.

Jackie
by Jackie
Thu Oct 25, 2018 1:01 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Man Cave
Replies: 12
Views: 1643

Re: Man Cave

Perry, I have to admit that I had to block out the girl/boy thing to read this—having been fully wise and worldly when I married at 22! :D I especially recoiled at the use of “pull” in lines 10 & 13. I get that “woman” and “man” could weigh a poem down, but surely there are alternatives? I hope that...
by Jackie
Tue Oct 23, 2018 9:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Scrabble (revision 1)
Replies: 14
Views: 2888

Re: Scrabble (revision 1)

Thanks, Tristan. True, I haven't thunk this through yet.

Ross, I think I'll make your last sentence my mantra for a while.

Much appreciated.

Jackie
by Jackie
Tue Oct 23, 2018 8:49 pm
Forum: Forum News and Support
Topic: Meet the new mods (not the same as the old mods)
Replies: 10
Views: 4430

Re: Meet the new mods (not the same as the old mods)

I miss Ros and Ian and Seth, too.

Seth, that was an informative letter—thanks.

Jackie
by Jackie
Mon Oct 22, 2018 12:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Climbing (revision2)
Replies: 30
Views: 3822

Re: Climbing

This metaphor so works for me, Mac, maybe because I've felt the same quickening while I'm writing as I have on the move in the wilderness at dusk. "Climbing" gives me a model for a poem I've been thinking about writing inspired by this quote: “Listening to Mrs. Bitsui was the verbal equivalent of wa...
by Jackie
Mon Oct 22, 2018 9:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Tides
Replies: 12
Views: 1857

Re: Tides

Hi Ross, I enjoyed wiggling my toes in this cooling water. I also enjoyed what I saw as the way you tied the poem together with metric patterns: Using u u / u to open the poem, open S2, and end the poem Using / u / throughout lines 2-5 and returning to it in line 10 Using / u / u / u / in lines 7-9,...
by Jackie
Mon Oct 22, 2018 8:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Scrabble (revision 1)
Replies: 14
Views: 2888

Re: Scrabble (revision 1)

Jules, David, Ross and Tony—I appreciate so much your coming back and studying this so carefully! I plan to use all your suggestions as I keep working on it.

And thanks for the reference to Keith Douglas. I do like his voice and just bought one of his collections.

Jackie
by Jackie
Mon Oct 22, 2018 7:14 am
Forum: Forum News and Support
Topic: Meet the new mods (not the same as the old mods)
Replies: 10
Views: 4430

Re: Meet the new mods (not the same as the old mods)

Congratulations, Tristan.

Jackie
by Jackie
Thu Oct 18, 2018 8:34 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Scrabble (revision 1)
Replies: 14
Views: 2888

Re: Scrabble

David and Jules, thank you so much for your comments. I wasn't happy with "Cast all about each trader" either, David, but couldn't come up with an alternative.

Jules, your thought processes as you tried to work through what i was talking about helped a lot.

I have posted a revision above.

Jackie
by Jackie
Mon Oct 15, 2018 11:55 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Sunday
Replies: 23
Views: 3702

Re: Last Sunday

Fun conversational style here, David. I have Perry's uncertainty about S3, added to the scissors-like movement of N passing her and then her passing N in S4. The "kindly" especially needles me; I can't see calling myself kindly. Couldn't this all be cleared up by putting the photographer or some oth...
by Jackie
Mon Oct 15, 2018 10:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: a day in the garden
Replies: 6
Views: 1592

Re: a day in the garden

I love the concise clarity here, Summer. In the way I interpret it, I would prefer S3 to begin with “But”—does that work for you? The last line clinches, but it’s a mouthful. You could save one syllable by using “However well” instead. I keep rereading this to color in an imaginary context for it. J...
by Jackie
Tue Oct 09, 2018 4:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Religious As Rain
Replies: 9
Views: 1974

Re: Religious As Rain

SL, I played with the idea that the first 8 words could have ended the poem instead of begun it, but it’s not really necessary. The rhythm of the poem starts building a series at the end with the two parallel pieces of evidence, and then leaves an ellipsis for the reader to fill. I fill it with thos...
by Jackie
Mon Sep 24, 2018 8:35 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Scrabble (revision 1)
Replies: 14
Views: 2888

Re: Scrabble

Mac and Perry, thank you for your impressions of the poem. Now that I've had a few weeks away from it, I can see your point.

Back to the drawing board.

Jackie
by Jackie
Fri Sep 21, 2018 6:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Explorers
Replies: 9
Views: 1871

Re: Explorers

This places the soles of our feet on the beach, Seth. It gets even better the more I walk through it. I agree with Mac that "proud usurping Monarchs" might be overdoing it a bit. I'm not sure the title does the poem justice. I do like the volta at v. 4, but are you sure we humans are not singing the...
by Jackie
Fri Sep 21, 2018 5:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The garden in winter
Replies: 9
Views: 1454

Re: The garden in winter

David, I like this very much. There are crazy-avid gardeners in my family who I think would love thinking of blooming as healing aphasia! In my view, the word choice and clarity and rhythm work beautifully through the third verse, but become lumbering in the fourth, just where I expected the plants ...
by Jackie
Fri Sep 21, 2018 5:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: My Battle with ADHD
Replies: 12
Views: 2229

Re: My Battle with ADHD

I think the title is misleading - implies the writer has ADHD. I think Ros is right, Ray, and the prospect of reading a poem that covers the author's whole life with ADHD is a bit off-putting, even though the first verse makes it clear. I'm trying to read your role on the day's outing into the last...
by Jackie
Mon Sep 10, 2018 12:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Scrabble (revision 1)
Replies: 14
Views: 2888

Scrabble (revision 1)

Scrabble (revision 1) Scramble your tray. From the cascade behind your eyes slice a near word of strong meaning, length, and ground lacking one sound. Scan the board’s vendors. Be circumspect. Search all their positions. Challenge how they surveil and who repel. Return home. Review your interlocking...
by Jackie
Wed Aug 22, 2018 12:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Methodically (v2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1660

Re: Methodically (v2)

Can I also ask people what they think of the title? Personally, Luke, I'd like to see the title refer somehow to the dramatic tension of the dogs' expectancy masking or controlling the danger they could pose. Agreed, the man's regular behavior keeps everything in a breath-holding calm, but Methodic...