Search found 1160 matches

by Jackie
Wed Aug 22, 2018 12:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Methodically (v2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1661

Re: Methodically (v2)

Can I also ask people what they think of the title? Personally, Luke, I'd like to see the title refer somehow to the dramatic tension of the dogs' expectancy masking or controlling the danger they could pose. Agreed, the man's regular behavior keeps everything in a breath-holding calm, but Methodic...
by Jackie
Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Methodically (v2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1661

Re: Methodically (v2)

Just a note, Luke—

If you're going to use the original (I liked it myself), please consider using the plural "los" with "niños" instead of the singular "el".

And using "el cuarto" (the fourth) instead of "el cuatro" (the four).

Jackie
by Jackie
Sat Aug 18, 2018 1:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Tracey Emin Said
Replies: 10
Views: 1096

Re: Tracey Emin Said

Elphin, Am I just imagining you’re saying she saw a kindred spirit in George Michael, who, if he had boxed himself into an “L” life (“dull like a librarian or a lawyer”), would have joined her in S3 in his dreams? I’m interpreting it this way because the stress pattern changes at S3, maybe to accomm...
by Jackie
Fri Aug 17, 2018 11:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Call Me
Replies: 13
Views: 3070

Re: Call Me

Much appreciated, everyone. You’ve given me good help on this one. Mirrorball, you seem to be saying that the couplet works for you because it parallels the alignment between the narrator and twilight. I love it! Perry, I agree with you about the technique; the problem rests with whether the poet ha...
by Jackie
Sun Aug 12, 2018 3:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Woodpile
Replies: 3
Views: 816

Re: Woodpile

Thank you, Steve. I get caught in that dilemma so often, writing things that don't seem to make it as narrative poetry.

Mac, thank you so much for your observations. I'm glad the imagery worked for you.

Jackie
by Jackie
Sat Aug 11, 2018 8:06 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Shared History (Was: Long Threads)
Replies: 9
Views: 2796

Re: Shared History (Was: Long Threads)

Tristan, I enjoyed reading these two versions. Whether you use "pull our pasts in" (which I like) or "pull together our pasts," doesn't the second part of that sentence need a verb? Something like "just as easily as tuck in / stitch up the present." Would "All too often these longer threads break" w...
by Jackie
Sun Aug 05, 2018 11:42 am
Forum: Poetry Discussion
Topic: The Last Poets
Replies: 1
Views: 1307

Re: The Last Poets

“People say we started rap and hip-hop, but what we really got going is poetry. We put poetry on blast.” This Guardian article relates to Mac's discussion question about whether poetry—or poets—should have a moral compass. Perhaps the question comes up only when poetry is driven by themes of human ...
by Jackie
Fri Aug 03, 2018 8:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Woodpile
Replies: 3
Views: 816

Woodpile

Woodpile The jagged mound waited streetside for pickup. She recoiled at the stained, moist logs on top. They displayed like off-color tributes at a funeral. Inversely, this heap had spanned their two spruces out back, in the family, for seventy years. She must have been ten in the photo, turning fro...
by Jackie
Thu Jul 26, 2018 2:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cistercian (revision2)
Replies: 26
Views: 2355

Re: Cistercian

Mac, I keep re-reading this to enjoy the low, dark vowels, sensory touches and comparisons. “Leaf / like long lost scrolls” is wonderful. Am I wrong, though, to see it as a second question? I like the last sentence, and that you used “earth” and not “dirt.” The poem works for me if I see this monk a...
by Jackie
Thu Jul 26, 2018 12:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Methodically (v2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1661

Re: Methodically

This paints an intriguing picture, Luke. And “bathes / consecutively in the swash” rolls in nicely. The adjective-plus-noun structure gets in the way for me: ragged tarp, adopted curs, solemn diligence, fierce stillness. Are adopted and solemn really needed? The last line feels too complacent for a ...
by Jackie
Tue Jul 24, 2018 12:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Day We Turned Into Abstract Paintings
Replies: 9
Views: 1508

Re: The Day We Turned Into Abstract Paintings

Seth, what a beautiful allegory for the sense one suddenly has that a relationship has gone awry. I loved this—especially the askew foot! Personally, I could do without But there was by now little shape in her body, …rich in colour, but emotionally null." because it seems to explain what doesn't nee...
by Jackie
Sun Jul 22, 2018 11:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Kelper's Cottage
Replies: 12
Views: 1738

Re: Kelper's Cottage

Hi Seth,

This sets you to thinking. The irony of point of view and of time gone by vs now.

I like the power you brought to it by naming the place, and the words wistful and strides.

Thanks for this!

Jackie
by Jackie
Sun Jul 22, 2018 10:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: We planted a rose v2
Replies: 13
Views: 1763

Re: We planted a rose.

Hi Steve, I enjoyed this very much. Perhaps in this line— He decreed his ashes would be scattered —you could try omitting “would be” and changing the verb. The beginning is beautifully factual and specific. To me, you distance yourself at the end: blooms wildly, bringing life—what do those things lo...
by Jackie
Sun Jul 22, 2018 8:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Inside the Banga
Replies: 10
Views: 2958

Re: Inside the Banga

Thank you, NMOliver. It definitely needs revising. I've been working on a grammar project, and it's nice to get back to poetry. Ross, much appreciated. It helps so much to know what exactly works for you and what doesn't and why. This tree in our compound took on its various names long before we mov...
by Jackie
Sun Jul 22, 2018 8:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Inside the Banga
Replies: 10
Views: 2958

Re: Inside the Banga

Thanks, Stranger, I enjoyed "Banga" at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPfNOd1JZrE&list=PLaQQ4QWywSEc5S0fIeDp1Rl7TTb451bgw&index=5 ." She has the now meaning of banga in mind—a person or party that was unexpectedly exciting, I think? Your URL sent me to another of her songs ("Amerigo") that strangel...
by Jackie
Sun Jul 22, 2018 8:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Call Me
Replies: 13
Views: 3070

Re: Call Me

Ross, thank you for explaining in such detail; your comments are very helpful.

Charles, yes, it does make sense. I have a really hard time staying balanced on the emotional tightrope when I write.

Thank you both for taking the time.

Jackie
by Jackie
Sun May 06, 2018 11:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Inside the Banga
Replies: 10
Views: 2958

Re: Inside the Banga

Thanks so much to both of you, Mac and David, for reading and thinking about the poem and for enjoying this bird that so tantalized me. David, I can't identify it exactly for you but I'm in West Africa, not the Caribbean.

Jackie
by Jackie
Thu Apr 19, 2018 9:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Inside the Banga
Replies: 10
Views: 2958

Re: Inside the Banga

Much appreciated, Not. It helps to know what works for you and what doesn't. All that about the darkness inside and the bit of sun that revealed him speaks more to the hours I spent trying to see what kind of bird was in there, I guess. (but 'tips his hand' ? I'm not so sure) That's funny: on an imp...
by Jackie
Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Call Me
Replies: 13
Views: 3070

Re: Call Me

Mac, your first description is just what I was trying to convey and I'm glad you felt it. Twilight only lasts for a few moments here, but it's intense and magical. Not, your specific comments are very helpful. The color transformations from just moments before and moments after are astonishing, and ...
by Jackie
Tue Apr 17, 2018 12:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Inside the Banga
Replies: 10
Views: 2958

Inside the Banga

Through a banga tree’s wall (as if its hand-shaped leaves all faced me just to halt my approach) I’ve seen a cuckoo’s sleek white belly woosh straight across as through a maze. You’re not to know that the tree grows in whorls; once he’s gained entrance he must, between the tiers, easily see almonds ...
by Jackie
Mon Apr 16, 2018 11:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Call Me
Replies: 13
Views: 3070

Call Me

Call me when twilight turns the yard golden. Let it bathe me—I want to breathe in the glow. Call me when our peach wall yellows and all the red roofs wane as if with closed eyes. Call me when dark gold-laced clouds threaten wildness and thunder in the night. Call me while the leaves shine that clean...
by Jackie
Wed Apr 04, 2018 6:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perhaps
Replies: 7
Views: 2805

Re: Perhaps

Hi k-j I enjoyed this very much. With word choice and using the 3rd person, you have kind of a push and pull of sensuousness/intimacy and propriety in the poem, which you have probably balanced just as you wish it. I keep wondering who the audience might be—the author himself? The refrain sounds mor...
by Jackie
Wed Apr 04, 2018 10:53 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Body Authority
Replies: 5
Views: 1164

Re: Body Authority

I did consider "Marionette" as a title, Mac.
by Jackie
Tue Apr 03, 2018 1:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Backache (revision2)
Replies: 21
Views: 2459

Re: Backache (revision)

Great revision—I feel the jazz now! I hear the jazz of bluebottles bebop their buzz around a braid of overflowing bins. You press a thumb along my vertebrae,. . . . . I'd be tempted to try "thumb" as a verb (You thumb along my vertebrae) unknot inventive anagrams beneath the skin. You hold my head a...
by Jackie
Tue Apr 03, 2018 12:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Body Authority
Replies: 5
Views: 1164

Body Authority

In the shoe box over your white shirt and wiry gray hair,
the red control rack. I unpeg it and stand wide. Aloft,
my right and my left arms, scuffed now too, define
as I dance the clacking of your hollow black shoes.