Search found 410 matches

by ton321
Sun Feb 19, 2017 1:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Like
Replies: 4
Views: 783

Like

this has been deleted
by ton321
Sat Feb 18, 2017 2:33 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the forger
Replies: 7
Views: 1074

Re: And if the frame of stillness should be broken by the fo

They sit or stroll, stretch or sprawl, parade top hat and parasol; dreamers cooling in pools of shade, this butterfly day never fades. - this line seems a bit clunky compared the last three i s this deliberate? Steamboats, sailboats, bathers at play, mothers, daughters, girl with bouquet; a monkey c...
by ton321
Thu Feb 16, 2017 1:01 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Hold
Replies: 11
Views: 1580

Re: Hold

Daniela drew the splinter,
sent a tongue to take payment
of the trembling wet red pearl.
Slowly released the finger,
smiling, watched the skin's sunset,
softly tightening her grip.

Hi Not,

I liked the imagery, esp -wet red pearl, and it's continuation with -sunset
cheers tony.
by ton321
Fri Feb 10, 2017 2:58 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Inspiration is Boundless
Replies: 7
Views: 1057

Re: Inspiration is Boundless

I agree with the others that there are too many abstractions, but I enjoyed the piece overall. You can learn a lot by posting first drafts -that way you develop the capability to think about what you have written, and that carries forward,
Tony
by ton321
Tue Jan 31, 2017 5:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Departures
Replies: 10
Views: 1583

Re: Departures

Thanks Luce, and Ian for taking the time with your detailed critiques, leaving me with much to ponder over!
Tony
by ton321
Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Departures
Replies: 10
Views: 1583

Re: Departures

Hi, thanks Mac and Lou, glad you liked this piece. Your suggestions, Tristan and Notquitesure, are good ones. There might be something in putting stanza 1 at the end, but I think setting the scene is more important. David now you mention it I can see what you mean, so there might be a better way to ...
by ton321
Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Departures
Replies: 10
Views: 1583

Departures

I wait in the empty car park, engine running, for your arrival. So i watch the fine freezing rain descend upon the trees, almost like a mist, not so much a thing of beauty, as something its opposite, an ending, relentless, that doesn't spare anything, or anyone. I could stop the windscreen wipers no...
by ton321
Sat Jan 28, 2017 3:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Parr, St.
Replies: 9
Views: 1099

Re: Parr, St.

Hi

I like the way you have turned a word, a mis-placed comma, and an abbreviation, into a poem,
.
tony
by ton321
Fri Dec 30, 2016 11:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Making Bread
Replies: 7
Views: 1014

Re: Baking Bread

Thanks for the comments, Luce, I apologize for the bad grammar, but thanks for your suggestions :D Yes there are some words that i will omit in the next revision! But thanks again for taking the time to go through it. Ros, Mac, JJ there seems to be a consensus of opinion about certain issues, and th...
by ton321
Wed Dec 28, 2016 2:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Making Bread
Replies: 7
Views: 1014

Making Bread

revision My hands have become like a monsters, just like my grandmothers who had rheumatoid athritis. And as i make this bread, knead the dough, can i rinse off what my hands held years ago? Symmetry of lines and colors of the bespoke kitchen fitted and finished. Soon its a play-school mess of daub ...
by ton321
Wed Dec 21, 2016 7:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: A Bedside Geranium
Replies: 5
Views: 917

Re: A Bedside Geranium

Hi Tristan,

I liked the little build up up details, and I think there should be more perhaps. Great last stanza with the 'cylinder of roots' image.
Tony
by ton321
Wed Dec 21, 2016 6:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Press Rewind, and Play.
Replies: 9
Views: 1264

Re: Storm in a tea-cup.

Thanks Ian for taking the time to explain what you mean. There has to be a line struck between being too ambiguous and too overt, shall we say, and it's knowing when and how to calibrate between the two, which is where the skill of the poet comes into play. I shall duly take this into consideration ...
by ton321
Mon Dec 19, 2016 4:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Press Rewind, and Play.
Replies: 9
Views: 1264

Re: Storm in a tea-cup.

Thanks for the replies, Ian, never thought i was being over explicit, but now you mention it, it is worth thinking about. Thanks, Terry, David for your comments. So it gave you goosebumps Luce! Result! Thanks for your suggestions. I'll try and tidy it up a bit. I was quite apprehensive as to how it ...
by ton321
Sat Dec 17, 2016 11:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Press Rewind, and Play.
Replies: 9
Views: 1264

Press Rewind, and Play.

Revision As I steeped the tea in the pot our neighbours were taken out and shot. [tab][/tab]The barrel bombs' just as good [tab][/tab]as the Bunker-Buster and the Scud. As I poured the the tea into the cup the rest of us were rounded up. [tab][/tab]Exocet, Kalashnikov- [tab][/tab]are what wet dreams...
by ton321
Sat Dec 17, 2016 3:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Shrouded Sins ( 5th Edit )
Replies: 9
Views: 1252

Re: Shrouded Sins ( 5th Edit )

Hi Terry Like Luce, i feel what you are trying to say, but feel frustrated by the way you are saying it. Take one strophe for example In the slavish hollows of fermenting intimidation,........... means zilch prayers to God are still offered from within my battered mind....why is your mind battered? ...
by ton321
Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:45 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Night-Plumbing
Replies: 8
Views: 942

Re: Night-Plumbing

Thanks Ian, something to think about. Cheers Mac for the tab tip
Tony
by ton321
Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:12 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: My happiness is like the plague. - Revision II
Replies: 19
Views: 2248

Re: My happiness is like the plague.

.Hi Luce, I liked this. An extended conceit on how the word infectious is used sometimes ie infectious laughter, but with its literal/bubonic plague type meaning? Some memorable imagery going on here, along with the uneasy ambivalences/opposites of happiness, and plague- the mixing oil and water tog...
by ton321
Mon Dec 12, 2016 8:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Little Mayor
Replies: 18
Views: 1875

Re: Little Mayor

Hi Lou,
Great poem. I liked the way you set the stage in the first verse. I don't like the word emoting, and for me that line works better without it in, but maybe thats just me!
Tony
by ton321
Mon Dec 12, 2016 8:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Night-Plumbing
Replies: 8
Views: 942

Re: Night-Plumbing

Hi Tristan, glad you liked it. Thanks for your suggestions about changing it to present tense, which seems to have more of an impact. Mac, JJ, thanks for your comments, I didn't realize there was a theme of this kind going around! Is there a way i can push the start of a new line away from the left ...
by ton321
Sun Dec 11, 2016 1:11 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Night-Plumbing
Replies: 8
Views: 942

Night-Plumbing

revision 1 I listen to the rain through the bedroom window spilling from the blocked guttering- building up and letting go, glad of its continual release Original I listened to the rain through the open bedroom window spilling from the blocked guttering- glad of it's escape.
by ton321
Sat Dec 10, 2016 1:51 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Pariah
Replies: 5
Views: 830

Re: Pariah

He detonates just before dinner.. nice start, this caught my attention! The sounds are predictable: first slurred threats, then her screams. You bolt from the table, say something should be done. I grab a bat from the bedroom closet, declaring I'm heading next door; dial the landlord instead. When t...
by ton321
Sat Dec 10, 2016 1:32 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Lanced Sky
Replies: 8
Views: 1767

Re: The Lanced Sky

It's easy to like the rain.....................why? that starts with one big splodge....don't like this word on dry paving and seconds later is bouncing off it. Some even praise the sky for its deliverance, having waited on cracked earth a near eternity........seems a bit vague/ needs grounding (Who...
by ton321
Tue Dec 06, 2016 11:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Stone-Collector
Replies: 8
Views: 942

Re: The Stone-Collectors

Hi Ian,
Thanks for looking over it and your suggestions- glad you liked it,
Tony.
by ton321
Sun Dec 04, 2016 9:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Stone-Collector
Replies: 8
Views: 942

Re: The Stone-Collectors

Thanks Luce, I had the idea when writing it that there was more than one, but its something to think about. I used the word ballast because it ties in with having stones in their pockets, maybe either side, but maybe something else, a kind of shedding of skins, or lightening of load, or a stony fulc...
by ton321
Sun Dec 04, 2016 2:28 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Paths
Replies: 13
Views: 1611

Re: Paths

Roots, like ribs, cross the hillside, woodland track. for a moment they grip my feet, then return to the earth. Hi Tristan, To be honest i liked the simplicity of the your first version. I like the roots like ribs simiie, obstructing, then returning, visions of the dead getting in the way just for y...