Search found 410 matches

by ton321
Mon Oct 31, 2016 12:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Searching for Answers (Revised)
Replies: 22
Views: 2082

Re: Searching for Answers (Revised)

Any news of Michael today? No, not this time; he doesn’t do much because of the morphine. He rallies, on and off, and he never complains of thirst or pain. This time he’s finding it hard to come back. Has he eaten anything? He looked at the broth and a bowl of ice cream and thought about it, then de...
by ton321
Mon Oct 31, 2016 12:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Weeping Witch
Replies: 24
Views: 2651

Re: Weeping Witch

Weeping Witch Forget your book of spells, your signs, your potions and your ring; you sought advantage over others, thought black arts would bring you power, hoped your path through life would be a summer’s day if you could call on super- natural tricks to smooth the way. And now you sit and weep, b...
by ton321
Sat Oct 29, 2016 4:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Swan Lake
Replies: 12
Views: 1374

Re: Swan Lake

Swan Lake


I do not want to die
a music box death
where the notes slow
and the gaps grow



Hi Tristan,
Short and sweet. I like the link between the form of the poem to its central metaphor,
Cheers Tony
by ton321
Sat Oct 29, 2016 12:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Calling Time
Replies: 8
Views: 1099

Re: Calling Time

We’ve been carrying a torch for you, which finally has lit; it burns through halls and galleries and turns them black and crisp. Your eyes will sting, the tears we bring are music to our lips. History has grown either too tall or too obese; what’s deliquesced from the polar tips reappears west and e...
by ton321
Tue Oct 25, 2016 10:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Summer You Left, Revision 3
Replies: 25
Views: 2692

Re: The Summer You Left

When you left, I dressed with care. I wore a shirt and shorts that took a dunking and dried with ease beneath the pervasive sun. Air conditioning wanting, the sweat of loss trickled down my mind. I drove beneath the pines in West Lake Park. Reaching Cedar Bend, I dashed down to the pier, rushed to t...
by ton321
Tue Oct 25, 2016 10:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Calling Time
Replies: 10
Views: 1183

Re: Calling Time

Hi, Thanks Grace, glad you liked it. I found it more difficult than I thought, to write in this style ie villanelle. Bodkin, really good suggestions, as usual, made me think about what its about. Things that I think seem clear, are obviously not, from some perspectives, and can be taken in different...
by ton321
Sun Oct 23, 2016 12:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Calling Time
Replies: 10
Views: 1183

Re: Last Orders

Thanks Mac, thought i'd dip my toe into the scary world of the villanelle, Lou- yep it is rough and ready, thanks Tristan for the suggestion for the last verse. Obviously its a personal piece.
Cheers, Ton.
by ton321
Sat Oct 22, 2016 2:19 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Carried Away
Replies: 5
Views: 703

Re: Carried away

We hadn't known each other long that day in the park, when briefly, instead of seeing the stems of chestnut leaves, I saw the leg bones of a willowy bird, and kicked amongst the dirt for a scull or wing, to help me recreate it, but finding none, it circled heron-like in my mind before landing and fo...
by ton321
Sat Oct 22, 2016 1:14 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Calling Time
Replies: 10
Views: 1183

Calling Time

Revision 1 They're calling time at the bar. I don't know how it got so late. You send me up for a couple more. Each pints a punt on air We trade, take back or understate. They're calling time at the bar. Your face is like a broken star as i hug you, and feel my fate. You send me up for a couple more...
by ton321
Sun Oct 09, 2016 5:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Arachnaphobe
Replies: 4
Views: 789

Re: Arachnaphobe

Thanks Mac, and Lou for your comments. Cutting out the first couple of strophes does make it a lot better, cheers David!
by ton321
Fri Oct 07, 2016 11:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Arachnaphobe
Replies: 4
Views: 789

Arachnaphobe

Revision 1 You've been spinning your web forever, your limbs full of cunning- wicked fingers, like points of the compass where every way is evil. You will wait until the towns and cities are gone to rubble, until humanity has completely done itself in, and dust yourself down. You are the blind old w...
by ton321
Sat Sep 10, 2016 12:45 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The last love-letter of water
Replies: 8
Views: 1184

Re: The last love-letter of water

Thanks katherine,

Just wanted to write a watery poem, that kind of slips between your fingers and is gone.
by ton321
Sat Sep 10, 2016 12:27 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Herod's Heirs
Replies: 38
Views: 4491

Re: Herod's Heirs

Great Post, Katherine, Like you I think there is a problem with the distinction between beginners and experienced forums. Maybe if they were joined into one big melting pot, everyone could learn from each other, which is what its all about. Experienced poets could learn to see from newbies eyes, and...
by ton321
Wed Aug 31, 2016 5:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The last love-letter of water
Replies: 8
Views: 1184

Re: The last love-letter of water

Thanks for your honest replies. I think i enjoyed writing it more than people enjoyed reading it lol. Is there a digital trash bin I can screw it up into? The intention was to try and write a "dear John" letter as if it was written by the element of water, hence the liquidity and ambivalence of the ...
by ton321
Mon Aug 29, 2016 12:55 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The last love-letter of water
Replies: 8
Views: 1184

The last love-letter of water

I'm too shallow for you- you're a long time dead when you're like me, so long un-dredged. Lets take things slow but then again you'll get burnt, i might put you out, quench your thirst. Hold out your tongue, taste the sky falling from three miles high. Lets take it from there. At first a trickle, th...
by ton321
Sat Aug 27, 2016 12:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Drunk (5th Edit)
Replies: 11
Views: 1455

Re: Drunk (4th Edit)

Hi Trobbo, You have a poem of two halves. Cut out the last half and trim by at least half the first half. You don't have to tell the inevitable. Concentrate on the Saturday night, not the Sunday morning. Call the poem The Drunk, and make it archetypal, hope this helps, ton. ie One more drink and jus...
by ton321
Sat Aug 27, 2016 12:31 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Dreamland
Replies: 22
Views: 5101

Re: Dreamland

Hi Lou,
I think you nailed it with this one! You found the form to work with your subject matter, though maybe form alters the process of writing about it as well, with the repetition that echoes and amplifies the meaning.
by ton321
Thu Aug 18, 2016 11:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Riot in Harlem (formerly entitled "Riot") - Rev II
Replies: 17
Views: 1844

Re: Riot in Harlem (formerly entitled "Riot")

Hi luce, I liked this, but like someone said, there seems to be a promise of something more that doesn't materialize later on. It's a big ask, but i think this would be a perfect villanelle, where the action and danger could be contained and leveraged by the sonic repetition of this form, but thats ...
by ton321
Thu Aug 18, 2016 11:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Water
Replies: 11
Views: 1262

Re: Water

Thanks for the responses, much appreciated! Bodkin, yeah, maybe its a bit unsubtle, less is more! I take on board what you say Mac, and i think you are right! Thanks sydney, and the stranger, glad you liked it!
by ton321
Tue Aug 09, 2016 6:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Water
Replies: 11
Views: 1262

Re: Water

Wow ,thanks for all the kind comments, and after leaving it for a few days I can see the end of the poem needs sorting out. Thanks jj, and Luce for your comments on this, they confirmed what I thought, ie it sounds a bit rushed/jarring imagery/needs expanding out a bit more. Boat, you picked up on t...
by ton321
Sun Aug 07, 2016 1:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Water
Replies: 11
Views: 1262

Water

water All it ever wants to do is to evade capture. It's as simple as a sum, really. To follow the logic of gravity and maybe leave behind a trace of itself, a reminder, a footprint, an oceans tide, of its comings and goings- or a salty tear that we try to hide that tastes of the sea- its that wide.
by ton321
Sun Aug 07, 2016 1:30 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Bunny Girl
Replies: 13
Views: 1462

Re: Bunny Girl

Hi Lou,
I enjoyed reading it, well written, disturbing, what more can i say! Two characters who are both on the edge in different ways/ bunny boilers?
by ton321
Sun Aug 07, 2016 1:08 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Book Shop (3rd Edit)
Replies: 11
Views: 946

Re: The Book Shop (1st Edit)

Hi Terry,

As previously mentioned Iliked the 'books reading themselves'. I enjoyed the general ennui-esque atmosphere,
which i think you are trying to achieve, but it could be cut down, and condensed to achieve this effect more fully.
by ton321
Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Apple-Trees
Replies: 9
Views: 972

Re: The Apple-Trees

Thanks for the replies,

Mac, I can see how maybe they're two separate poems, glad you liked the postman comparison, Ant! David, glad you like the last two stanzas! Sorry Trobbo if it wasn't clear what i was going on about! It needs more work obviously.
by ton321
Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Knowing The Secret Of You (2nd Edit)
Replies: 5
Views: 644

Re: Knowing The Secret Of You (1st Edit)

Hi trobbo,
theres some bits that i liked -

You smell of memories as I nestle
into your womb and turn back
the clock to learn you all over
again.

what about

Your smell, of memories,
as i i turn back the clock
and learn you all over again

I dont think i like 'womblike'.
Cheers, Ton.