Search found 410 matches

by ton321
Sat May 14, 2016 12:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Take me off the beaten track
Replies: 12
Views: 1309

Take me off the beaten track

to Hunger Hill. Meet me at Lench holes. Meet me at Cat Moss. I went to Grey Stone Height. I went to Mires Delph. At Joiner Stones Hill, and Whinney Nick and White Scar I was near Butterbowl. Near Schole Carr Moor was grey Stones Edge. Near Clay Clough was Blue Ball Delph. Meet me at Middle Scars. Me...
by ton321
Sat May 07, 2016 12:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Challenging privilege
Replies: 2
Views: 463

Re: Challenging privilege

Theres something that i like in here, but it could be put into fewer words, trimmed and sharpened, and your point would have been better made!
by ton321
Sat May 07, 2016 12:36 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Where you go
Replies: 8
Views: 927

Re: Where you go

Thanks for the replies, but i was drunk when i was wrote it, and i havn't got a clue what it means either!
by ton321
Mon May 02, 2016 2:18 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Nail (revised)
Replies: 18
Views: 1697

Re: Nail

neither out nor in,
but bent:
the hammer too heavy,
the wall too hard;

or happenstance
of her
kissing him
before the moment.

Iiked the contrast between the first and second verse
by ton321
Mon May 02, 2016 1:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Where you go
Replies: 8
Views: 927

Where you go

A teaspoon-full of a neutron star
has the same mass as a mountain.

Once every thousand years, a bird
drops a grain of sand

into the same place, more or less.

I retract my statement, I don't want
to go to the place where mummy went.
by ton321
Fri Apr 15, 2016 11:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Love And Other Drugs
Replies: 8
Views: 823

Re: Love And Other Drugs

Overall I thought the piece was powerful but maybe could need a bit of pruning and shaping. You saved the best till last, with the last line though! Maybe rewrite the piece starting with the last line!
by ton321
Sun Apr 10, 2016 12:42 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Beaked Thieves (revision3)
Replies: 35
Views: 2561

Re: Beaked Thieves (revision2)

Nothing much i can add except I think the original draft seemed a bit more user-friendly, with it's contrast between the atmosphere of the tarn, then panning back a little, the rest of the urban, ugly world -a bit like when Carl Pilkington goes to the pyramids for some enlightening experience, only ...
by ton321
Sun Apr 10, 2016 12:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Dry-Swim Coach
Replies: 6
Views: 611

Re: The Dry-Swim Coach

Thanks for the feedback, Pauline, and Cynwulf, I appreciate your comments a lot!
by ton321
Sun Apr 03, 2016 10:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Dry-Swim Coach
Replies: 6
Views: 611

Re: The Dry-Swim Coach

Thanks Ros for the feedback, glad you liked it. The last verse is a bit awkward I admit.Hmmm....
by ton321
Sat Apr 02, 2016 2:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Dry-Swim Coach
Replies: 6
Views: 611

The Dry-Swim Coach

You take the water with you. Tons of it is portable and unspillable, and if you go around corners too fast you wont keel over like a sack of potatoes. The weather wont kill you, either. A cold front blowing them off-course will focus their minds like nothing else, and after that, a change of season,...
by ton321
Sat Apr 02, 2016 12:15 am
Forum: Current Features
Topic: The reckoning
Replies: 28
Views: 14306

Re: The reckoning

Now theres some lines that made me sit up and spill my Horlicks Mary-Lou reckons you will rape me soon as look at me. Says you are an unmade bed with sheets that never cool The strength of the poem lies in the contrast between the innocence of the narrator and the brutality of what she speaks, then ...
by ton321
Sun Mar 27, 2016 11:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: hemispheres
Replies: 7
Views: 767

Re: hemispheres

I actually really liked the first four lines he said he’d take you where the sea began and time cried its infant hours where fates make way and palms hush pain where south heated beaches tame your waves especially the second line. But the rest was hard going. The strongest part of the poem is the fi...
by ton321
Sun Mar 27, 2016 11:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Reign of the Eyeball
Replies: 7
Views: 989

Re: Reign of the Eyeball

I liked the half rhyme halfway through stanza four-

and the Spirit is lightened and finds its calm
at that crossroad of tears where the blood slows down;

Cheers, Ton
by ton321
Sun Mar 27, 2016 11:07 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cold Season
Replies: 5
Views: 638

Re: Cold Season

I think in this poem you are reaching to express something but haven't got there.. yet. Its a bit abstract and impersonal but liked impressionism of the piece.
by ton321
Sun Mar 27, 2016 10:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Smoke
Replies: 10
Views: 1114

Re: Smoke

Hi, I liked this poem a lot, where two is company and three( the cig) has become a love triangle. She lies beside me every night on the cool beach sand, her lungs intoxicated by the divinity of her beloved; that cigarette she clutches so dearly in her hand. The third line seems a little bit clumsy, ...
by ton321
Sun Mar 27, 2016 10:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Homing
Replies: 11
Views: 1275

Re: Homing

Thanks for the responses. Sorry for not replying sooner, ive been on holiday for two weeks(thats my excuse anyway) in Spain. When i was a child my Grandad had a load of books (obviously along with other kinds), but each book was about one year( I cant remember what they call these books anymore), an...
by ton321
Sun Mar 13, 2016 1:22 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Homing
Replies: 11
Views: 1275

Homing

I was born on the day that an American jet
fired a missile
and blew itself up-
Wednedays child.
by ton321
Sat Mar 12, 2016 1:25 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Sky
Replies: 5
Views: 762

Re: The Sky

Thanks for the replies. I get the point that from going from a general point of view to specific viewpoint seems a bit backwards-way-round. The part about living your life separate from the atmosphere just means exactly that, we live our lives unaware/cut off from other parts of life or the world ar...
by ton321
Sun Mar 06, 2016 1:40 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Sky
Replies: 5
Views: 762

The Sky

Normally you can see through air, and though you can feel it, most of the time it isn't there. Take it or leave it, you live your life separate from what ever goes on in the atmosphere. It was just that morning cycling to work, i looked up over the street-lamps, and found the space of night, not qui...
by ton321
Sat Mar 05, 2016 2:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Taste of the Feeling
Replies: 9
Views: 1216

Re: The Taste of the Feeling

I would reiterate what the previous people have said, but what drew me initially was the title of the poem, which was probably the best part of the poem- synaesthesia is the poets best friend -don't get bogged down with metre or rhyme, its that initial thing that makes us want to write in the first ...
by ton321
Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Worth Of Us
Replies: 9
Views: 863

Re: The Worth Of Us

Thanks for the replies. Nae bother Bodkin. Im just a a sucker for rhyme.
by ton321
Sun Feb 14, 2016 1:41 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Worth Of Us
Replies: 9
Views: 863

Re: The Worth Of Us

Thanks for the replies guys. I take onboard the criticism of end ryhme, which is a bad habit of mine, it seems a bit sledgehammerish. There is a poem somewhere in the idea of the human body being valued in its constituent parts, or its chemical parts, purely on its current market, or black market va...
by ton321
Sat Feb 06, 2016 1:19 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Worth Of Us
Replies: 9
Views: 863

The Worth Of Us

Mostly oxygen, carbon, and hydrogen
at market prices, going to press-

three pounds more or less.
The dosh is in our skin.

You can dump the rest at the butchers bin-
the gobstopper eyes, the bits they sell

in market pies;
our cauliflower brain.

Nothing of us will remain.
by ton321
Sat Feb 06, 2016 1:10 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Post 2016
Replies: 9
Views: 997

Re: Post 2016

I liked the subversiveness of this poem. Have you thought about playing around with the form a bit, or did you come to this as a final version? Just my two penneth that you could have a stronger poem if you mixed it up a bit, but it is a brilliant poem nonetheless.
by ton321
Sat Feb 06, 2016 12:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The butcher's block
Replies: 10
Views: 902

Re: The butcher's block

You get the feeling of hacking and chopping with the brutal rhythm of the first line, but im not sure what you're getting at towards the end of the poem.