Search found 410 matches

by ton321
Sun Jan 05, 2020 11:34 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Mudmen
Replies: 8
Views: 727

Re: The Mudmen

Thanks tatter,

bit of a daft one, but it was inspired by reading Gwendolin Brooks "we Real Cool" poem,
Tony
by ton321
Thu Jan 02, 2020 1:03 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Colour
Replies: 8
Views: 640

Re: Colour

Hi Ray

Enjoyed the multiple puns, piss-take and parody. I think you could use a different title, if you are going to use the same word at the end. Maybe you could say your dad went purple, instead? Great read,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Dec 28, 2019 2:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Cat Long (revision)
Replies: 13
Views: 1433

Re: Cat Long (revision)

Hi Bj

Lots to like in here in this freewheeling, playful piece.Also some nice sonics going on esp in the last 3 lines. It feels like its an improvised piece of cat-jazz.
Tony
by ton321
Fri Dec 27, 2019 2:26 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: .
Replies: 8
Views: 651

Re: NAJA

Stillness cossets the candled solitude as I caress her sleek, supple form, appeasing her potential, and she acquiesces. My precious has consented to this embrace for countless nights, but now an impulse strikes, sacking her tolerance...................is sacking the right word? and for an instant, d...
by ton321
Fri Dec 27, 2019 2:12 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Repaired v2
Replies: 16
Views: 986

Re: Repaired

Hi Not, an enjoyable read, with some nice turns of phrase; lots of sibilants in the first half build up a sense of un-peeling something, which is the sense you are trying to achieve with this, well done,
Tony
by ton321
Fri Dec 27, 2019 1:57 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Aubergine (revision)
Replies: 10
Views: 804

Re: Aubergine.

Hi Sid, I suppose I'm asking forgiveness because I've fried the aubergine, and about to eat it. Obviously this doesn't come across so I'll have a look at this. Thanks Miles, Mac for your comments. The whole piece started with the analogy, so I'm glad you liked that part, Mac. Jules, I deliberately l...
by ton321
Sat Dec 21, 2019 1:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Aubergine (revision)
Replies: 10
Views: 804

Aubergine (revision)

Revision O aubergine, with your black latex dress slightly wet to the touch stickiness; your pale flesh, that needs to be salted to draw the moisture out- I admit I have sliced you up into rounds and fried you until you were golden on both sides, or put you under the grill and turned you around unti...
by ton321
Sat Dec 21, 2019 12:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Cinders
Replies: 5
Views: 500

Re: Cinders

Hi Ray

I like it up line 9 then I'm a bit lost. I think the second half needs to clarify a bit , rather than mystify, but maybe it's just me that's not getting it,
but having said that, it's a very well written piece, and the mystery is part of it,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Dec 21, 2019 12:22 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Short of the Moon (V3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1008

Re: Short of the Moon

But then a week after their last visit.............................do you need but then? It failed again We didn't call them For one, the system was behaving very strangely Flipping into irretrievable lock-out With dire error messages Only to spontaneously start up again Eight hours later..............
by ton321
Wed Dec 18, 2019 4:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Message
Replies: 6
Views: 547

Re: The Message

Thanks Bj, Not and Mac for stopping by, your comments are much appreciated. I'll have a proper revision at the weekend,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Dec 14, 2019 1:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The problem
Replies: 8
Views: 601

Re: The problem

Hi Tristan

I think what you're trying to say is that we're buggered,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Dec 14, 2019 12:35 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Message
Replies: 6
Views: 547

Re: The Message

Thanks Ray for your comments. Not sure if its a poem or therapy,
Tony
by ton321
Thu Dec 12, 2019 12:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: green lines (V3)
Replies: 7
Views: 583

Re: Green Lines (revision)

Hi Bj

I like the sonics in this one, it's a bit Hopkinesque. Not sure about the first two lines;maybe just as Ray suggested, start without an intro?
Tony
by ton321
Wed Dec 11, 2019 11:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Delicacy
Replies: 15
Views: 1030

Re: Delicacy

Hi Ray

A food for thought poem, or thought for food? I kind of liked the deadpan ending, but is it a bit easy?

Tony
by ton321
Wed Dec 11, 2019 11:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Message
Replies: 6
Views: 547

The Message

There was a time when you couldn't raise your eyes with out seeing DEREK SHAGS CONVICTS WIVES in black or red capital letters painted on the front of Wakefields’ bridges. It became normal to see it scrawled above the underpass and on red brick walls, not in italics but shouting out in upper case; th...
by ton321
Wed Dec 11, 2019 11:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Mudmen
Replies: 8
Views: 727

Re: The Mudmen

Thanks Ray,

To be honest the piece was more about the sonics, than anything particularly meaningful, but thanks for the comment

Tony
by ton321
Sat Dec 07, 2019 12:02 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Safeguarding
Replies: 5
Views: 820

Re: Safeguarding

Hi Ray,

I think the best verse is no.3, but i think at the moment its a bit blurry, maybe cut it in half. Maybe start with stanza 3, but make it more clear where we are.
Tony
by ton321
Fri Dec 06, 2019 11:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Floodwater v3b
Replies: 28
Views: 1771

Re: Floodwater v3b

Darkness rises in the stairwell like floodwater. The rooms below drown. I no longer leave a light on. No-one is coming home. My memories are coldblooded, they slip.......................i don't like this line, and you say you don't like 'silver' as a verb, so how about and silver down there, where a...
by ton321
Fri Dec 06, 2019 11:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Mudmen
Replies: 8
Views: 727

The Mudmen

We trudge through sludge and crud, shat that's crapped and crusted- dun-dung mud! Morning brings moaning, groaning, gurning- the earth is our earning. We are wading, walking, swimming. No talking. Slipping, sliding sinking, blinking, balking. Earth has worth, is Frankinscence, myrrh and gold, that w...
by ton321
Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: A Sect Gone Wry (Sanctimonious - revised)
Replies: 25
Views: 1813

Re: Sanctimonious

Hi Mac Its got an alliterative Anglo Saxon beat to it in the first half, but that dies out in the second half, which is a bit disappointing. After "tithes" the meter trips up a bit. If you could keep the momentum going into the last half I think it would read and sound better. Overall though I liked...
by ton321
Wed Nov 27, 2019 7:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Launderette
Replies: 12
Views: 1185

Re: Launderette

Thanks for your suggestions Not, I'll have another think. Perry, thanks for stopping by. The last line might not be too clear. I imagined the N. looking at the washing machine window, thinking it was like the porthole of a ship, waiting for the spin cycle to end, which to me suggested a storm or jou...
by ton321
Sat Nov 23, 2019 12:43 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flamboyant
Replies: 14
Views: 1830

Re: Flamboyant

Hi Jackie

I'm pretty sure I don't understand it. Googled it and found the words'-It is categorized under spermatophytes, vascular plants', I have a feeling there is some sexual undertone to it. I'll re-read it again. I liked it though,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Nov 23, 2019 12:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Launderette
Replies: 12
Views: 1185

Re: Launderette

Hi Tristan, glad you liked it. I've taken your points onboard, and cleaned it up a bit with the revision. Hi Dylan, also pleased you enjoyed it. I like your suggestion for the last stanza- I've altered it a bit. Its funny you should mention Billy Collins, as I've been watching a a video of him teach...
by ton321
Wed Nov 20, 2019 11:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Brian
Replies: 5
Views: 830

Re: Brian

Hi ray
Its a bit deliberately oblique, but there's a rhythm to it that pulls you through. Good last line about a lion without its gnashers,
Tony
by ton321
Wed Nov 20, 2019 11:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Australian Bushfires
Replies: 8
Views: 744

Re: Australian Bushfires

Hi Sid

I like the first two lines, with the b sounds, and the striking images, but the thirds a bit redundant. Maybe something like

Orange fire burn bush black
Ashen smoke across the sky
fanned flames flare in wind...

does it seem better to keep the images going in line 3?
Tony