Search found 410 matches

by ton321
Wed Nov 20, 2019 11:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Launderette
Replies: 12
Views: 1185

Launderette

Launderette ( Revision) Sometimes, late on Sunday nights I walk past the launderette where a light, dim and yellow, struggles, like those in windowless rooms that only have a door and one chair; where the light itself is a cliché of inadequacy. There is a long wooden bench that runs down one side, l...
by ton321
Sat Oct 12, 2019 12:29 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Livestock
Replies: 11
Views: 1218

Re: Livestock

The off-rhyme jarred a little on stanza five for me, but I enjoyed the satirical read,
Tony
by ton321
Wed Oct 09, 2019 10:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Stalking Carp
Replies: 7
Views: 835

Re: Stalking Carp

Hi Mac, glad you liked it. I've changed the you /I thing in the revision. Tristan, Not, David, thanks for the comments. I've changed a few things around in the revision, taken out a few similies, added a few new ones. :) JJ It was long after catching carp that i tried one, in Prague, a bit disappoin...
by ton321
Fri Oct 04, 2019 11:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Stalking Carp
Replies: 7
Views: 835

Stalking Carp

Revision Stalking Carp. I hunted them all Summer long, common carp full of deep cunning, but shy as door-mice, on the collapsing canal bank. They can feel a footfall from half a mile away. When they are wary they slowly sink to the bottom and stay there, a submarine with its engine off. They suck th...
by ton321
Fri Oct 04, 2019 11:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Trying To Be A Good Ancestor
Replies: 11
Views: 1187

Re: The Good Ancestor

Hi ray, I was a bit stumped at first but i think i get it. The title refers to yourself, being vegan, conscious of air miles etc, in relation to your grandson, with the last two lines giving the game away, as it were. I would change the title, but the rest i liked. Maybe a more subtle title for a su...
by ton321
Fri Oct 04, 2019 11:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Conflicted (Was: Conflict)
Replies: 9
Views: 821

Re: Conflict

Hi Tristan,
Liked the piece, and like Mac, thought maybe you could cut some lines from the last verse. Chicken tikka massala, pasta, and hummus have become British staple foods as much as fish and chips. We're mongrel, just like any other nation.
by ton321
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To an old Map-Book
Replies: 7
Views: 694

Re: To an old Map-Book

Hi Mac, JJ, thanks for the comments, glad to bring a smile to your face JJ! I think i might rewrite the second half again, but thanks for the the pointers. Perry, thanks for the comments, as I said i might have a look at he second half again. Not, Bj, thanks for the suggestions and the re-write. Geo...
by ton321
Sat Jul 20, 2019 1:10 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: To an old Map-Book
Replies: 7
Views: 694

To an old Map-Book

Thumbed thin from years of use, frayed at the edges, held together by sellotape, your spiral metal spine has slipped its discs, and become unstuck. Dark coffee stains are unmapped seas that cover whole neigbourhood's unaware, like that flooded village beneath a dam whose streets lie underwater. I ha...
by ton321
Sat Jul 20, 2019 12:49 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pub's Boot Room (final revision )
Replies: 31
Views: 2287

Re: The Pub's Boot Room (revised)

Hi JJ,

You evoked the lake district here very well. There's nothing like the smell of sweaty boots after a hard days walking! There are also notes of wet dogs drying beneath tables in this piece as well,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Jul 20, 2019 12:39 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Gannet (version 3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1220

Re: Gannet (edit)

Hi Luke

Lots to like about this. I think you've edited too much out in the revision, but you start out with the strongest lines I think, in the revision
Tony
by ton321
Sat Jul 20, 2019 12:26 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flevoland - revised
Replies: 9
Views: 740

Re: Flevoland - revised

Hi Ray, I think the revision is better, linking the landscape to an emotional one, and put a line break-between line 4 and 5 to make this clearer? such as Winds caught between revolving doors still strive to stir the flags that warned of danger from our monsters there buried beneath a bed laid bare....
by ton321
Sun Jun 16, 2019 11:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Wreckage (was Full Wallop)
Replies: 9
Views: 765

Re: Full Wallop

Hi RC I liked the piece. It felt real and raw. For some reason i particularly liked the lines me holding her against an onslaught of heavy head machinery overrunning the site - sunk into what was always aftermath soaked in oily face regret, it doesn't particularly make much logical sense, but makes ...
by ton321
Wed Jun 12, 2019 11:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Arousing Variations
Replies: 16
Views: 1716

Re: Arousing Variations

Hi RC,
I like the opening two lines, though i think you cement it by rhyming "ways" with "leaves" on line 6 as well. I would remove lines 18-19. You don't need to extend the conceit any further, and goes against the easy going flow of the piece. Enjoyed,
Tony
by ton321
Tue Jun 11, 2019 11:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Looking for Satoshi
Replies: 5
Views: 997

Re: Looking for Satoshi

Hi Jules

"on the trot" is a cockney phrase for lying low, or on the run. Thanks for the comments/suggestions. The initial rhythm was the impetus of the piece so I will look at that, thanks for pointing that out.
Tony
by ton321
Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:47 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Looking for Satoshi
Replies: 5
Views: 997

Re: Looking for Satoshi

Hi Not, thanks for stopping by and the suggestions. I think it needs a bit/lot of work to it. Might leave it for a bit. Joao glad you liked it,
Tony
by ton321
Sat Jun 01, 2019 11:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Looking for Satoshi
Replies: 5
Views: 997

Looking for Satoshi

Genesis Block, time-stamped: a water-mark, zero hour- creations spark. Ghost-in-the-machine, bogey-man of banks, and bankers, but an anarchists wet-dream. The trail's gone cold, dead. Footprint has stopped in its tracks as if you've been airlifted from the face of the planet. You're just lying low, ...
by ton321
Sat Jun 01, 2019 11:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Perpetuum Mobile
Replies: 5
Views: 1429

Re: Perpetuum Mobile

Hi Joao,

I liked this too. Not sure about lines 22-25. I know its in keeping with the tone, but maybe its pushing it a bit too far. Enjoyed.
Tony
by ton321
Mon May 13, 2019 10:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Natural Beauty
Replies: 7
Views: 920

Re: Natural Beauty

Hi Perry, thanks for your comments. I just had two images, one of a piece of driftwood on a beach that they sell in art stores and suchlike, and those pictures of character faces of old men, then merging them together, so the wrinkles of the face merged with the rings of a tree/branch. Harbal, thank...
by ton321
Sun May 12, 2019 12:16 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Natural Beauty
Replies: 7
Views: 920

Re: Natural Beauty

Thanks Not, too many likes for your liking, point taken, and the penultimate line is a bit much. Ray, I'm terrible with grammar, something I should brush up on, but glad you enjoyed. Mac, i tried to earth the title to the poem. It was just a free floating idea. I suppose i could give it more gravita...
by ton321
Thu May 09, 2019 10:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Losing People (A didactic poem)
Replies: 10
Views: 1734

Re: Losing People (A didactic poem)

I
Hi Tristan

I think the title is better just as "Losing People". Being told it's a didactic poem doesn't really add anything, in my opinion. You don't read poetry to be taught something, or at least I don't
Tony
by ton321
Thu May 09, 2019 10:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 1416

Re: Ferret

Bj- I've incorporated a few of your suggestions. I think you are right about the last line esp. needing it to be capitalized. Kind of summarizes the piece better. David, thanks for the comments. I might pop a few more "its" in before I'm through. Leaf, glad you liked it. I think you are right about ...
by ton321
Sat May 04, 2019 12:20 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Walking Football 2nd version
Replies: 10
Views: 1077

Re: Walking Football

Hi ray

another enjoyable piece, the first two lines on stanza four made me laugh. The first two stanzas are the best in my opinion, but obviously the rest are great too. My only niggle is at the very end with the kicks it pun, seems a bit overkill( pardon the pun)
Tony
by ton321
Sat May 04, 2019 12:07 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Natural Beauty
Replies: 7
Views: 920

Natural Beauty

Revision A cast-off branch on a beach, over time becomes a collector's item, wind worn sun-bleached, the soul of its form exposed like a black and white photo of an old man's face, his character, gnarled as old wood bent to the conditions he found himself in his time and place. Original A cast-off b...
by ton321
Fri May 03, 2019 11:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Duende (oh oh)
Replies: 24
Views: 2275

Re: Duende (oh oh)

Hi David I liked this piece and the way the reader is pulled through to the end. I don't know Lorca ( you've got me wanting to read him now), but i was once stood next to a group of Spanish women who suddenly started flamenco dancing on hearing some music and i could feel the energy through the sole...
by ton321
Fri May 03, 2019 10:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Ferret
Replies: 14
Views: 1416

Re: Ferret

Thanks Mac for the thumbs up!