Search found 1722 matches

by NotQuiteSure
Mon Mar 27, 2017 5:17 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1894

Re: The Pike

JJ Thanks for your time and for the detailed critique. Much appreciated. full of grey shadows and other people's things, ... Not sure about shadows. Just a bit too abstract, I think. Dark recesses, gloomy alcoves might work. 'Things', on the other hand, works for me. you may be right, something invo...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Mar 25, 2017 1:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Around about this time
Replies: 2
Views: 625

Re: Around about this time

Treading carefully.
This seems to be heading in the direction of lyrics, add a chorus and
you're about a third of the way through (plus music of course). Good hook.
Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 24, 2017 2:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1894

Re: The Pike

L Very grateful and very flattered. (Big word 'almost'). Not quite the whole loss of innocence, but certainly a loss of innocence. 'pack up the week' - amongst the possible meanings: that the week's holiday is over and it is time to pack up and go home, and, to try and put the events behind one (tak...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In your defence
Replies: 1
Views: 506

Re: In your defence

L I like this/these but it seems to me to be two pieces; which work separately, but not, I think together. L9[tab][/tab]Did you mean 'riposte'? Not sure, but are 'snifters' too close to cliché? 1. They had their say; wisdom swilled in half-empty snifters, clichés lifted from the manual – enough’s en...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I want to go out for a walk (Revision 3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1808

Re: I want to go out for a walk (revised)

JJ The revision has certainly improved S3, but I'd still argue that you don't need it. It repeats the 'blackbird idea' but doesn't add that much. Also interrupts the (possible) connection between 'capable of flight' and 'when the southerlies languish'. While I think 'hang out' is better that 'hang' ...
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 23, 2017 5:03 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mask
Replies: 17
Views: 1952

Re: Mask

ray
Spanking good piece,
suggestions:
L2[tab][/tab]'nor'?
L6[tab][/tab]'permits the coded call that beats'?
L8[tab][/tab]would 'claim and kill' work?
L12[tab][/tab]'and it is pure coincidence' (rhythmically this seems better, but that could just be my accent speaking)
Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:05 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Pike
Replies: 15
Views: 1894

The Pike

I. It was a small house, a short story, full of grey shadows and other people's things, redeemed by the luxury of a river at the end of a close cropped lawn. An ellipsis of stepping stones stuttered down, through a morning as cold and damp as the grass, to a liminal lip, exposed, between the course ...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Mar 22, 2017 8:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I want to go out for a walk (Revision 3)
Replies: 14
Views: 1808

Re: I want to go out for a walk

Enjoyably curmudgeonly L2[tab][/tab]think 'mizzle' should have been paired. Or ' mizzle, more rain '? You seem to be getting a rhythm going (or possibly head of steam), but it stops there. S3[tab][/tab]don't think this is a successful as the rest. but L9 is terrific, worth exploring in a separate pi...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:21 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Music
Replies: 9
Views: 1400

Re: Music

Enjoyed this.
L8 [tab][/tab]'All' rather than 'Oh'?
L11[tab][/tab]'in' for 'like'?
I do wonder if the ending asks a question that you don't answer.
Do you feel that 'beneath the white...' or is it something else?
Are you still a family, a wild nobility? And where are your dandy clothes?
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Poetic Devices
Replies: 18
Views: 2251

Re: Poetic Devices

ray
Just a thought (as I still find this unclear).
Each act had a nom de plume,
[and] because Dee figured I said
what others were just thinking, mine was Psychic.
Regards, Not
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 17, 2017 2:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Herd (revision5)
Replies: 25
Views: 2629

Re: Herd (revision4)

mac
Some suggestions (as per), hope they help.
The low and bellow / snort and stamp / cattle calling / driven dust / busy bleating of commuters begins
L8[tab][/tab]maybe 'beeping' becomes 'calling', 'beckoning' or 'signalling'?
Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 17, 2017 1:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Meeting over yonder
Replies: 11
Views: 1534

Re: Meeting over yonder

L10[tab][/tab]I just find the idea of looking through someone's chin peculiar.
Would it help to change 'how' to 'so' in the final couplet?
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 16, 2017 6:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Poetic Devices
Replies: 18
Views: 2251

Re: Poetic Devices

Ray
You're welcome
I missed the italics (mea culpa)
Regards, Not
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 16, 2017 1:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Meeting over yonder
Replies: 11
Views: 1534

Re: Meeting over yonder

Nicely naive (or vice versa).
Can't quite tell what the answer to the question implied in the final couplet is,
less than half?
L9 'souls' telegraphs in a way that 'angel cakes' does not.
L10 'looked through...your chin and hair'? This really doesn't work.
Regards, Not.
by NotQuiteSure
Thu Mar 16, 2017 12:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Nature of Things - Revision III
Replies: 19
Views: 2190

Re: The Nature of Things - Revision III

Hi Luce
Thanks for the education.
Turtle/crab, either way a terrific image.
Regards, Not
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Mar 15, 2017 4:37 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Herd (revision5)
Replies: 25
Views: 2629

Re: Herd (revision4)

mac
Nicely done, a great improvement.
Stick with 'a menace of lionesses'.
Two of the tiniest of points, not mentioning the 'S' word, are 'beeping' and 'prattling'
Could prattling be replaced with something more obviously related to a herd, and beeping with birdsong of some description?
Regards, Not
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Poetic Devices
Replies: 18
Views: 2251

Re: Poetic Devices

Interesting read. Some small points. L3[tab][/tab]comma after named it? L7[tab][/tab]I get the joke but am unclear as to who named N psychic? Who are they? Or was it Dee? L20[tab][/tab][suggestion] and she came to be something of a star ... S2/L7[tab][/tab]now I was the Brummie accent - should saw h...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Thank you for attending this briefing (was: Please remai...)
Replies: 11
Views: 1418

Re: Thank you for attending this briefing (was: Please remai

The new title works really well and I think you can push the bureaucratic speak even further as in; If you are ready we will begin this review of the Emergency Protocols: Under the Emergencies (Exogamous) Act, revised as of the last revision, and pursuant to Article Two (hereafter Article 2) sub sec...
by NotQuiteSure
Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: The Nature of Things - Revision III
Replies: 19
Views: 2190

Re: The Nature of Things - Revision III

Some observations If you change line order in S2 - I trust you to take me from landmarks I’ve known since birth, of glass and steel and astro turf glued on rooftops. Out beneath a weave of leaves which softens the sun. - it offers a clearer contrast between two types of 'roof' and the transition fro...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Mar 13, 2017 6:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Unnamed
Replies: 20
Views: 2471

Re: Unnamed

Either you've solved the mystery and you know what the dum, da-dum (correct number of syllables anyway) is, or this is a brilliantly surreal critique. Though if you think your solution would be found in a box on a beach, then you're wrong.
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Mar 13, 2017 6:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Thank you for attending this briefing (was: Please remai...)
Replies: 11
Views: 1418

Re: Please remain calm

I think "Thank you for attending this briefing" is a terrific title, great idea. (And, of course, a neat way to end/sign off the piece.) Would it then lead straight into Let us review the Emergency Protocols ? Two further thoughts, if you wanted darker, perhaps incorporate Kool-Aid into S4 and S2 Co...
by NotQuiteSure
Mon Mar 13, 2017 2:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Just Another (B****t) Fairy Tale
Replies: 0
Views: 1434

Just Another (B****t) Fairy Tale

Just Another (B****t) Fairy Tale Once upon a time... Three little pigs helped the cockroach build a straw man, for brave old Mr. Wolf to knock right down. And piglets everywhere are so relieved, they'll sleep tonight all safe and sound. -------- In their webs the cadres are busy spinning, fashioning...
by NotQuiteSure
Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Unnamed
Replies: 20
Views: 2471

Re: Unnamed

Seth, Thanks very much, Wasn't sure if this was a sonnet (the rhyme scheme) but it was certainly intended to appear to be one. Will certainly give your 'micro-quibble' some thought. Without wishing to mislead, I think you might want to ponder the difference between forgetting and not being able to r...
by NotQuiteSure
Sat Mar 11, 2017 5:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Twed
Replies: 10
Views: 1302

Re: Twed

Baffling title, but I enjoyed this I too thought there was a sexual element to the infatuation, gender notwithstanding, and I wonder if you're not giving a false steer with 'chastely' and by not revealing the genders of N and the 'cousin'? Not convinced by 'obdurate', how can one be stubbornly innoc...
by NotQuiteSure
Fri Mar 10, 2017 6:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
Topic: Herd (revision5)
Replies: 25
Views: 2629

Re: Herd (revision2)

Like this, a nice idea. A cut and paste suggestion. She counts the cracks in tarmac, mind walks a zebra crossing. Rumours murmur along the black and white. By this roadside the confusion of motors fuse into the green man beeping. The prattling stream of commuters begin to bruise and compass her acro...