Search found 191 matches

by capricorn
Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:11 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2068

Re: Eternal Peacock

. Hi Eira, lots to like here. Thanks Not Eternal Peacock Once vivid cobalt, it slumps - think you could replace 'it' with a comma (slumped), so that L1 runs on from the title? against my kitchen tiles, plumes lacklustre and scratched, - maybe lacklustre plumes, scratched , ? (Though 'lacklustre' se...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 24, 2019 10:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2068

Re: Eternal Peacock

Hi Eira I can't find anything to crit here, it is detailed but so are kitchens!! Perhaps 'Eternal' and also 'slumped' are exaggerations but they fit with a conversational style where we understand that exaggerations are not meant to be taken literally. i liked it, from peacock to pig, is there some...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 24, 2019 10:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2068

Re: Eternal Peacock

Before I comment, I just need a little clarification. Your mother had a cutting board with a peacock on it? I'm asking because I've never seen anything like that. All the cutting boards I have seen are either wood or plain plastic. I can't tell from your poem what kind of material your mother's cut...
by capricorn
Tue Jan 22, 2019 12:36 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2068

Eternal Peacock (revision 3)

Revision 3 Eternal Peacock you slump against my ageing kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes lacklustre, feet swollen from oversoaking, scars from every cut clear to see. I wait for the timer to ping. In your prime Mam sang Calan Lan , as we prepared our Sunday tea, chopping, slicing, spreading on your cream...
by capricorn
Tue Jan 22, 2019 12:28 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Learning to be afraid
Replies: 11
Views: 1123

Re: Learning to be afraid

Hi - I agree with others about ending on 'a new lead' - what follows is just filler.

Also consider a new title.

Love the line

my heart was a thousand years old,

very descriptive

Eira
by capricorn
Tue Jan 22, 2019 12:06 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Five and a Half Haiku Matinée
Replies: 17
Views: 2048

Re: Matinée [formerly Tree of Life]

Hi Jules, You have worked so hard on your revisions and I have enjoyed the progress this has made. I love your latest revision, which has come a long way from your original. I do have a problem with the sound of 'cananning' in the stanza below. It sounds a bit awkward, but this might just be me. Per...
by capricorn
Mon Jan 21, 2019 11:48 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: First Date (second version, more rhymes)
Replies: 15
Views: 1484

Re: First Date (second version, more rhymes)

I like the change to balustrade, Perry. As you say rim didn't quite fit.

Eira
by capricorn
Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1598

Re: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)

Hello Capricorn, I admire your focus on using animating verbs: splosh, zoom, etc although the result is a little bit Enid Blyton. In any event its clear you are working hard to accurately capture the event that inspired you to write, and that is always a good thing. Unfortunately, while extremely b...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1598

Re: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)

Hi Eira, so glad you rescued this one! I think it's a big improvement. Have to dash but will come back for another read. Brilliant energy, pacing, story arc, everything pitched just right. Jules Thanks Jules. Glad you like it. I always intended to rescue this (as I do most poems) it just takes time...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:30 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Tears
Replies: 18
Views: 1915

Re: Tears

Hi Ross, good to see you back. A few thoughts- When the devil stays the night perhaps 'stays all night' and something wells up to the light I feel the reader needs more than 'something' in L2 -darkness/sadness and tears roll down before the mirror. perhaps change and to 'so' It's not a brook, a spar...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Fly
Replies: 9
Views: 854

Re: Fly

I like the humour in this Perry - it was a good read. I agree and think you could miss out that last line. Perhaps when I got you, you were already dead, dead from natural causes, sitting at the wing of God in fly heaven. Poor fly, Perhaps this stanza could be rearranged, so you do nor have 2 you's ...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Learning to be afraid
Replies: 11
Views: 1123

Re: Learning to be afraid

Hi Ton,

Your fear of the police certainly comes through here, but I'm left wondering what has caused this fear.

Eyes might not show a sneer, but I think lips would.

Interesting read.

Eira
by capricorn
Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Groaning Stones (was 'Stones')
Replies: 25
Views: 2293

Re: The Groaning Stones (was 'Stones')

Thumbs up to the new title, JJ.

Eira
by capricorn
Thu Jan 10, 2019 11:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1598

Re: Running on the Spectrum (revision)

Nice idea. Some good writing too. For me it’s too narrative heavy - this happens then this then this. There isn’t much in the way of atmosphere and thus the reader (this one at any rate!) struggles to unearth any pathos/empathy. Given the subject one should ‘feel’ more - I was left feeling mildly e...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 10, 2019 11:22 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Groaning Stones (was 'Stones')
Replies: 25
Views: 2293

Re: Stones

Great play on words, JJ. Made me smile too. Clever!

Eira
by capricorn
Thu Jan 10, 2019 11:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Inclusion
Replies: 20
Views: 2241

Re: Inclusion

I really like this prose poem of yours, Ray. As a parent of an autistic son I found it very moving, yet there is a sense of humour there. It does take a sense of humour to cope with a disabled child. My son is adult now but when I read your poem I recognised each child as one in my son's school. An ...
by capricorn
Tue Dec 18, 2018 9:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Calm (wasSounds of the Sea - was Seaside Commotion)
Replies: 29
Views: 4017

Re: Calm (wasSounds of the Sea - was Seaside Commotion)

Thanks for commenting on this Tristan. I have enjoyed playing with words on this one. The one you were not so sure about 'cries intensify' is a place I have questioned too - some seem to like it, but I'll keep thinking on that.

Thanks again
Eira
by capricorn
Tue Dec 18, 2018 9:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1598

Re: Running on the Spectrum

Hello, Eira. Hello Perry, Sorry to be so late replying - life just takes over at times. This is a nice poem. Jason, it would seem, is "challenged" in some way. I find myself wondering if he is one of the wheelchair racers, but earlier in the poem you talk about his legs jumping. And then you mentio...
by capricorn
Tue Dec 18, 2018 8:32 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: hills
Replies: 9
Views: 1819

Re: hills

Hi Ton, Good to meet you, I'm new here. I went to college in West Yorkshire (many years ago) and I can appreciate why you wrote this one. Maybe its because I’m from West Yorkshire that I love hills. Not for me the endless tundra, or the Mongolian plain. It wouldn't be right if the horizon were the ...
by capricorn
Tue Dec 18, 2018 8:14 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: On Edge Top
Replies: 30
Views: 3996

Re: On Edge Top

Hi Not, I seem to have arrived here after everyone else. It's a strong poem, Not and compelling read. I only have a couple of thoughts (already mentioned) - I would like to know exactly what/where the walls are and I would also delete I'm sure she knows . as it doesn't add anything and deflects from...
by capricorn
Tue Dec 18, 2018 7:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Calm (wasSounds of the Sea - was Seaside Commotion)
Replies: 29
Views: 4017

Re: Calm (wasSounds of the Sea - was Seaside Commotion)

James Major wrote:
Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:41 pm
Hello.
I acknowledge how you are trying to interpret inspirational moments. Heightened language and reach for adequate description are all good things.
Keep trying.
Hello James - thank you for your encouragement.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:59 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Post
Replies: 15
Views: 1599

Re: The Post

Hi Not,

I've been thinking along the lines of Tristan I don't think 'The Post' does justice to such a strong poem.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:54 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1598

Re: Running on the Spectrum

Hi Jules Hi Eira - I am digging this more than Not. Maybe a couple of niggles and I think it would end better on the Tannoy announcement, but given the subject (I'm assuming Jason is somewhere on the autism spectrum) I like the way you set up rhythms and little alliterative runs, then disperse them...
by capricorn
Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1598

Re: Running on the Spectrum

. Hi Eira, best foot forward :) Hi Not It's a nice tale, but the language is a bit flat throughout, there's not much energy here (given the subject). Running on the Spectrum Thought this referred to the old ZX, but by the end it felt a bit heavy handed. The title refers to Jason being on the autist...
by capricorn
Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:40 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)
Replies: 12
Views: 1598

Running on the Spectrum (revision 2)

Running on the Spectrum (revision 2) Jason Bounces like a klipspringer hooting at Dad until the starter twirls his chequered flag. Racers zoom off, chased by fun-runners, fancy dressers. Jason joins the challenged, plodding at the rear – soon darts off track, Dad in pursuit, coaxing - but Jason dash...