Search found 191 matches

by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:09 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 1925

Re: Curiosity (v3b)

Hi Not,

V3b really does sound great - the best.

I do agree with JJ about yellowy though and don't feel it sounds quite right. Perhaps 'yellowing'.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 932

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

I think revision 1 is best, though maybe without the 5th stanza. She sings Rock-a-Bye as marigolds and rosemary scent the tea carton. Laying the naked hatchling in a tea carton, lined with marigolds and rosemary, she hums Rock-a-Bye. I think you need the detail of naked hatchling. Thanks Ray. That ...
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 10:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 932

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Thanks for your continued support, Not. I feel I am beginning to 'overthink' this and will put it on the back burner for a while. I always come back to a poem in a few weeks and find I see things more clearly after a break.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Feb 01, 2020 10:54 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 932

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

JJWilliamson wrote:
Mon Jan 27, 2020 3:31 am

She sings Rock-a-Bye
as marigolds and rosemary
scent the tea carton. ...I wasn't sure about the tea carton, wondering about its significance, until I read the other versions.


I have been thinking about that too JJ. I might return to version 1 to make it clearer

Thanks
Eira

by capricorn
Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:43 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 1925

Re: Curiosity (v3)

Hi Not,

I like the way you've brought in September to the ending - much better.

Eira
by capricorn
Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:38 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 932

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Hi Tatterd,

Thanks for the interesting points you have made. Unfortunately I have just posted a revision I have been working on before I read your post. I will consider everything you have said for future revisions.

Eira
by capricorn
Mon Jan 27, 2020 12:09 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 932

Re: The Nestling (rev2)

Revision 2 is probably not as cut as you hoped, Not, but revision is up

Eira
by capricorn
Fri Jan 24, 2020 1:04 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 932

Re: The Nestling (rev1)

Hi Not,

I wrote this some time ago when I used to be a bit over the top. I decided it was worth resurrecting it. Thanks for the suggestions. Revision written.

Eira
by capricorn
Mon Jan 20, 2020 11:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: The Nestling (rev2)
Replies: 12
Views: 932

The Nestling (rev2)

The Nestling (rev2) Hunched over the body tumbled from its sycamore cradle, her mind takes flight. He arrived quietly, entwined, voices hushed they rushed him away in a hospital blanket. Just one glimpse, no caress or goodbye. The attic kept her secret, a shawl folded in a tiny crib, for forty years...
by capricorn
Mon Jan 20, 2020 11:42 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Superman (final)
Replies: 9
Views: 1029

Re: Superman (revised)

a fun poem, Perry - liked the ending.

Eira
by capricorn
Mon Jan 20, 2020 11:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 1925

Re: Curiosity

. Hi Eira, thanks for the read and suggestions. I'm attached to the line ending with 'this', it just amuses me. Have revised, and hopefully improved it :) . I like the revision of the ending. I've no objection to the line ending with 'this' - it makes the enjambment more interesting. How about 'yel...
by capricorn
Mon Jan 20, 2020 11:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Re: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)

. Hi Eira, 'I sigh' - oh no, no, no! You think I'd forgotten 'wistfully'? :) Just keeping you on your toes, Not! :lol: How about Today, the bounty of our Christmas table cannot hide the empty chair, nor candlelight conceal the bright black eyes of one small dog - up on high (chipped and safe and) -...
by capricorn
Mon Jan 20, 2020 10:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)
Replies: 11
Views: 918

Re: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)

A revision
by capricorn
Fri Jan 17, 2020 7:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Re: Christmas Gifts (rev 3)

. Hi Eira, I think I'm going to keep prodding :) I wouldn't expect anything less from you, Not :wink: :D Some of the changes have really lifted this (again) - I'm thinking 'chockablock', excellent choice (works so well with 'umpteen' I want more of that kind of language :) ) and the biting of the '...
by capricorn
Fri Jan 17, 2020 7:35 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Curiosity (v3b)
Replies: 30
Views: 1925

Re: Curiosity

Great poem, Not. You've already made a few good changes. I am with Ray over deleting ' when asked' - that line seems too wordy with it. Perhaps bring 'this down to the next line to compensate for the world. At school, when asked, she said: this summer, I did scientific research. or perhaps for the w...
by capricorn
Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:10 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)
Replies: 11
Views: 918

Re: Mistaken Identity

First of all I have to say what a beautiful poem it is, I feel like you could have upped the emotion a little more, I like the last stanza, though it felt a little chilly and what I mean by that it is brutal and that is the way I like it. Poetry is about the harshness of the words, use it at your d...
by capricorn
Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)
Replies: 11
Views: 918

Re: Mistaken Identity

I liked all of it, including the ending. Not sure the reverie needs italicising. The mention of roles reversing leads me to look for evidence of what they were before - and I have to guess. Maybe you need a comma after "beneath". Thanks Ray. The roles reversed were daughter and mother when mother d...
by capricorn
Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:00 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)
Replies: 11
Views: 918

Re: Mistaken Identity

Hi Eira, I'd vote for 'as is' until L12 - you're trying to pack a lot of history and meaning into that line - 'immersed' is very good but 'buoyed up' follows on too quickly. I'd suggest something like: 'for long immune to love/words from kindly folk' L13 is good but I agree the last three lines are...
by capricorn
Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:58 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)
Replies: 11
Views: 918

Re: Mistaken Identity

Enjoyed this Capricorn. I agree with most of Not's suggestions. Your rhymes work for me, nothing feels too contrived, but I would consider losing one or two of the rhymes if you think Not's suggestions improve the poem. The poem has emotional depth which I think takes it beyond its form. On the sub...
by capricorn
Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)
Replies: 11
Views: 918

Re: Mistaken Identity

. Hi Eira, wouldn't change much (yes really!) Phew!! :D except the last verse. I like 'I shiver when you turn' but the rest seems unnecessary/too explanatory ('reminisced'). L1 - there's something a little lacking about 'I pause to check' I tend to agree Though the almost surreal 'waves of salt' is...
by capricorn
Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:36 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Re: Christmas Gifts (rev 3)

ps Bit of a late thought, but ... maybe combine the two gifts, as in
....
at the china spaniel, chipped and bowed in pink.
That's more my way of thinking, Not.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Mistaken Identity (rev 1)
Replies: 11
Views: 918

Mistaken Identity (rev 1)

Mistaken Identity (revision) I stare at those familiar waves of salt and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned against the biting easterlies' assault. A flurry of magnolia leaves is churned around your wispy frame and I'm enticed to drift back to nostalgic reveries: Close-knit; our weekly jaunts ...
by capricorn
Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flamboyant
Replies: 14
Views: 1830

Re: Flamboyant

A nice triolet. It has a mysterious feel. I really enjoyed the read.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:16 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Safe Sex
Replies: 9
Views: 707

Re: Courtship

I've often thought of writing a poem about the mantis, Ray. Never got round to it. Hmm.. 'Safe Sex' may be a good alternative title :D I like this and agree with Dave about the rhythm. Perhaps missing 'are' from stanza1 and 'are' from st2 might help. Miss Mantis renounces romances her fancies [are] ...
by capricorn
Sat Jan 11, 2020 12:17 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Re: Christmas Gifts (rev 1)

. Hi Eira, not quite there yet, I think, but heading in the right direction. A somewhat radical proposal. Begin with the final stanza (but do something about the too, too, telly 'wistfully') - or just cut it entirely. Yes, I regret using wistfully (deleted now) Your suggestion of swapping stanzas m...