Search found 191 matches

by capricorn
Sat Jan 11, 2020 12:05 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Re: Christmas Gifts (rev 1)

ray miller wrote:
Wed Jan 08, 2020 12:23 pm
It's improved, but now I wonder if the final couple of lines are enough to convey mother's absence. Can't please some folk.
True Ray - I agree. I've taken a step back.

Eira
by capricorn
Tue Jan 07, 2020 9:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Re: Christmas Remembrance

Hi Eira! - delicate and surprising, even better on the second reading. I think the first time I was fighting the hackneyed nature of the theme but you've rescued it with the subtle and specific details, the quiet, playful chiming of sonics. All I would change is the last two triplets, you tell us o...
by capricorn
Tue Jan 07, 2020 9:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Re: Christmas Remembrance

. Hi Eira, good to read you again. Thanks Not - it's good to be back Warmed by a familiar whiff of Rose - not sure 'warmed' offers the strongest start. Eau-De-Cologne, from the perfume - seems an odd line break. Was the 'whiff' sprayed by anyone? counter, I remember - not keen on 'I remember' given...
by capricorn
Tue Jan 07, 2020 9:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Re: Christmas Remembrance

. Hi Eira, good to read you again. Thanks Not - it's good to be back Warmed by a familiar whiff of Rose - not sure 'warmed' offers the strongest start. Eau-De-Cologne, from the perfume - seems an odd line break. Was the 'whiff' sprayed by anyone? counter, I remember - not keen on 'I remember' given...
by capricorn
Tue Jan 07, 2020 9:27 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Re: Christmas Remembrance

Nice poem. I could take issue with some of the line breaks but I won't as it's pretty subjective. I wouldn't associate waking on Christmas morning with the sun. Perhaps there might be a way of alluding to the vacant place at the table, to avoid making such a bald statement. Good advice - thanks Ray...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 02, 2020 11:57 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Christmas Gifts (rev 4)
Replies: 19
Views: 1426

Christmas Gifts (rev 4)

Christmas Gifts (rev 4) Blown away, by a familiar whiff of Rose Eau-De-Cologne, spritzed at the perfume counter, I remember wondering what to buy her. Fingering the shilling in my pocket, I spy a tiny bottle, with pink bow neck. This gift wrapped like a pass the parcel, finished with holly print, lo...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 02, 2020 11:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: the canvas of the covenant
Replies: 7
Views: 698

Re: the canvas of the covenant

This makes me think of a lovely summer's day and is kind of relaxing.

Eira
by capricorn
Thu Jan 02, 2020 11:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Colour
Replies: 8
Views: 641

Re: Colour

Times change! I enjoyed the read, Ray - a very original topic

Eira
by capricorn
Thu Jan 02, 2020 11:39 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flood
Replies: 12
Views: 866

Re: Flood

A beautiful poem, Richard. I like your revision. This brings back memories of my mother. I particularly like Its silence is the Chapel where I saw you last. A shroud of heavy blankets turned down reveals your face; a floating photograph, the background fading first. A chance to kiss your hair the nu...
by capricorn
Sun May 19, 2019 6:52 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: untitled senryu
Replies: 4
Views: 807

untitled senryu

I wrote this a few years ago and have tried to make it more concise in revision.

revised version

a test tube
brings the mother joy;
father's unaware


original

the test-tube baby
brings a mother untold joy;
father's unaware
by capricorn
Sun May 19, 2019 6:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Between Seasons (rev 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1960

Re: Between Seasons (rev 1)

Hi Richard - how nice to see you here. (You might remember me as mod at MM.) I've been away for a while or I'd have answered sooner. Sorry to be so late with my reply. I had also written another revision but not posted until now. Eira - What strikes me most are the innovative word-choices and synta...
by capricorn
Sat May 18, 2019 1:13 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake
Replies: 9
Views: 1085

Re: I Want No Part of Your Layered Cake

Hi Jackie,

I really like this translation of emotion. It's nice to be able to blame the recipe, eh? :D

Loved the plop at the end

Greatly enjoyed

Eira
by capricorn
Sat May 18, 2019 12:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Flowers
Replies: 11
Views: 1351

Re: Flowers

This is such a beautiful poem Perry - well written.

Reading Jules suggestion though, has made me wonder if this would be stronger without the last stanza.

Enjoyed

Eira
by capricorn
Sat May 18, 2019 12:53 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Atrapadita (revision)
Replies: 7
Views: 1104

Re: Atrapadita (revision)

I agree with Perry, this is a nicely polished revision, Richard and the language is Oh so beautiful!

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Mar 16, 2019 10:49 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Supper (rev 3)
Replies: 11
Views: 1027

Re: Last Supper (rev 2)

. Hi Eira, I think it's moving in the right direction, there's a definite element of drama now. Good But perhaps add some details to demonstrate a closer observation of events? as they scuttle about stuffed with veggies, and thirst-slaking fruit, dusted with minerals. He stirs a stillness of head a...
by capricorn
Sat Mar 16, 2019 1:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Supper (rev 3)
Replies: 11
Views: 1027

Re: Last Supper (rev 1)

. Hi Not Hi Eira, I'm afraid that for me the poem is all in the last six lines. Not convinced by either 'meander' or 'wriggle' - neither seem sufficiently 'angular' (if that makes sense). And in online videos they look more like 'lunges' than 'pounces' (but that's just me). Meander was possibly a m...
by capricorn
Thu Mar 14, 2019 11:46 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Supper (rev 3)
Replies: 11
Views: 1027

Re: Last Supper (rev 1)

A revision
by capricorn
Thu Mar 14, 2019 11:02 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: RIFF ME A ROSE (V11)
Replies: 29
Views: 2651

Re: Slick Rose (V4)

Well, Jules, I said I wanted more and I've certainly got it! I really like this newest version. I gives a lot more to chew over. Btw I did listen to your You tube a few days ago (didn't have time to comment) and what did come across was the playfulness that I didn't get through just reading. But on ...
by capricorn
Tue Mar 12, 2019 7:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: SHA (4) - needs a title
Replies: 19
Views: 1628

Re: SHA (4) - needs a title

"Yes, I think Tristan made the same point. 'White' was intended in the sense of 'white with fear' - could have gone for 'pale/pallid/to blanch' I suppose, any thoughts? So 'Condemned to Repeat It' didn't strike you as a suitable title? Regards, Not." Ah, I see your intent with white now. Perhaps pal...
by capricorn
Sun Mar 10, 2019 1:18 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Supper (rev 3)
Replies: 11
Views: 1027

Re: Last Supper

. Hi Eira, rather more with Tristan than Jules on this one, though I think he's spot on about S3. Thanks Not - This is one I wrote a few years ago - a challenge for a surprise poem, which is why the beginning sends the reader on the wrong track to a surprise ending. I've come back to it as I know i...
by capricorn
Sun Mar 10, 2019 12:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: SHA (4) - needs a title
Replies: 19
Views: 1628

Re: SHA (4) - needs a title

I like this Not - the ending is superb. As for a title I have nothing to suggest at present.

The only lines I would nit are

'But we are not virgins, white before the bed'.

I feel white before the bed just means the same as virgins.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Mar 09, 2019 12:44 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: RIFF ME A ROSE (V11)
Replies: 29
Views: 2651

Re: Rose

Hi Jules,

This one leaves me feeling I want more filling, I don't feel it says enough. Saying that I think the first line could be dropped.

Eira
by capricorn
Sat Mar 09, 2019 12:37 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Supper (rev 3)
Replies: 11
Views: 1027

Re: Last Supper

Terrific first stanza Eira. And great title too. The point of the poem for me is our casual cruelty towards designated 'others' … and what works technically is the way the poem teases with the possibility at first that this is about humans . . .or maybe mammals . . or birds . . . oh, ok it's just i...
by capricorn
Sat Mar 09, 2019 12:21 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Supper (rev 3)
Replies: 11
Views: 1027

Re: Last Supper

Thanks for your input Tristan, I'll consider my word choices in revision.

I agree about not needing 'excited' - it is shown. Sorry you don't like 'guts oozes' - I was just telling as it happens.

Eira
by capricorn
Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:23 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Last Supper (rev 3)
Replies: 11
Views: 1027

Last Supper (rev 3)

Last Supper (rev3) They scuttle about stuffed with veggies, and thirst-slaking fruit, dusted with minerals. He stirs. waits motionless until - one carelessly nears eyes focus, neck pulses with quickened breathing, tail quivers lunge … Mouth loaded shaping a smile around a struggle of legs and oozing...