Search found 191 matches

by capricorn
Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:20 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Tipping Point
Replies: 15
Views: 1735

Re: Tipping Point

This poem is depressing, Ross - because it's all true and it's given me much to think on.

The mind spins is a bit clliche, I think

- I like

'the venom of the sun'

Eira
by capricorn
Wed Mar 06, 2019 1:08 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Streetlight Sermons
Replies: 25
Views: 2913

Re: Streetlight Sermons

You have a very unique style of writing lotus, which I find fascinating. This poem is almost like a puzzle which takes many reads to solve, with possibly many interpretations. I kind of felt that it is the rainclouds that pregnant (have used that metaphor myself) but I haven't figured out the shoela...
by capricorn
Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:55 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Between Seasons (rev 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1960

Re: Between Seasons

Hi, Eira I also like it and can easily identify with the seasonal blues. You can FEEL the difference, yet interestingly enough I find the spirits rise with a heavy snowfall. Isn't that the strangest thing. The condition SAD is often overlooked as being quite a minor disorder but it can be debilitat...
by capricorn
Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Between Seasons (rev 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1960

Re: Between Seasons

In defense of my first comment, a poem about longing for a different season could be construed as a nature poem. However, Seasonal Affective Discorder may not, in itself, be about the seasons, but about something that happened during a particular season. I guess it depends on the individual. If I s...
by capricorn
Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:04 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In My Mother's Bedroom After the Funeral
Replies: 27
Views: 3217

Re: In My Mother's Bedroom After the Funeral

Hi Perry, thanks for the warning about parasites -yuk! I don't go swimming outside. Indoor public pools are treated with chlorine in UK to kill the bugs - although the chlorine itself can irritate my sinuses. :roll: Yes senility is similar to dementia and a bit medical. Perhaps something like mind b...
by capricorn
Fri Feb 15, 2019 6:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eva's Birds [revision 7] (minor nudges)
Replies: 49
Views: 4265

Re: The Old Miner [revision 2] (was nearly "Eva's Birds)

Hi JJ I quite like 'Eva's Birds' as it's not too obvious - or perhaps 'Eva's Seat'. Some have said they would like this to end on a place to 'paint memories'. I can understand why you want to end on 'his tired face'. You could change the order round to - a private place to hide his tired face and pa...
by capricorn
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:50 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Between Seasons (rev 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1960

Re: Between Seasons

Thanks Not My mistake with swallow's - it should be swallows' I've got rid of melancholia and solar. I used wistful to draw a paralell between the robin and N. Apparently the robin's song becomes more wistful in autumn, which was how the N was feeling. Sorry you feel there is a lack of focus as I fe...
by capricorn
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:44 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Between Seasons (rev 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1960

Re: Between Seasons

Thanks Luke, I agree with the use of melancholy and solar and have changed those words.

Eira
by capricorn
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:41 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Between Seasons (rev 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1960

Re: Between Seasons

Hi Perry

It is about seasonal blues or Seasonal Affective Disorder which affects many people. I write a poem about this nearly every year and go into the emotions. This year I thought I'd try to be more subtle and hint ... perhaps I've got it wrong. I'll give it some thought.

Eira
by capricorn
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:29 pm
Forum: Current Features
Topic: Birch Polypore (revised)
Replies: 33
Views: 10988

Re: Birch Polypore (revised)

Great revision, Luke. The new format is much better, makes the whole poem flow. Only problem is the last 2 words that look lonely stuck on the end -- easily sorted though.

Eira
by capricorn
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:24 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Something Seasonal
Replies: 16
Views: 1892

Re: Something Seasonal

I agree with Luke - 'I cling' is more direct. You could always put 'I cling, fever weak'

Eira
by capricorn
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:19 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In My Mother's Bedroom After the Funeral
Replies: 27
Views: 3217

Re: In My Mother's Bedroom After the Funeral

Thank you, Eira. With two votes against "dementia" I'll definitely try to find alternative language. My mother had Alzheimer's, but so far it appears that her children are avoiding it. One of my brothers sent me an article about a new line of inquiry into its cause: poor dental health. They have fo...
by capricorn
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:12 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eva's Birds [revision 7] (minor nudges)
Replies: 49
Views: 4265

Re: The Hewer (was The Old Miner) [revision 2 with original title]

Hi JJ, I like all your changes - just right … and the title is more original. Good job.

Eira
by capricorn
Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:28 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Between Seasons (rev 2)
Replies: 16
Views: 1960

Between Seasons (rev 2)

Between Seasons (rev 3) September weaves with lime and copper; a robin’s wistful trill coaxes me outside where a north westerly blast chills to the core. Stomping in the rain, fallen leaves are muddied to mulch. I ache for dog days’ heat with perpetual light. Yuletide brings distractions, gift shopp...
by capricorn
Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:38 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eva's Birds [revision 7] (minor nudges)
Replies: 49
Views: 4265

Re: A Reserved Occupation Rev 1 (was The Old Miner)

I like this JJ - much improved revision I watched him shuffle up the path again, as though his spine and pelvis had fused into one arthritic bone, his old walking stick acting like a miner’s prop. a walking stick acting like a miner's prop, doesn't sound quite right, somehow. Perhaps describe how i...
by capricorn
Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Something Seasonal
Replies: 16
Views: 1892

Re: Something Seasonal

Hi Not,

I seem to have arrived here when all the work has been done. I enjoyed reading all revisions and like how you have enlarged on what started as quite a short poem. Good rhythm & rhymes. A very humorous poem, well written.


Eira
by capricorn
Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:45 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: In My Mother's Bedroom After the Funeral
Replies: 27
Views: 3217

Re: In My Mother's Bedroom After the Funeral

This is a wonderful poem, Perry. Very moving. It reminds me very much of my own mother who had dementia later in life. I agree that it is better not to mention dementia directly but hint at it in some way.

Great writing
Eira
by capricorn
Sat Feb 09, 2019 11:59 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2066

Re: Eternal Peacock (revision 2)

. You always give me lots to think on, Not :D Hi Eira, better start, better end, but the middle's a bit 'flabby' (for want of a technical term). You could take another look at the enjambments throughout (e.g. you slump against my ageing kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes [droop] scratched and lacklustre....
by capricorn
Wed Feb 06, 2019 12:00 am
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2066

Re: Eternal Peacock (revision 1)

As well you should :) Could whatever you choose be used to help with 'kaleidoscopes' ? (Though, I don't have a problem with the word, reminds me on having one as a child and I can see how the geometric patterns would fit with chopped veg.). Regards, Not. . Kaleidoscope has gone, Not and so has the ...
by capricorn
Mon Jan 28, 2019 11:56 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2066

Re: Eternal Peacock (revision 1)

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps against my kitchen tiles, plumes lacklustre and scratched, feet swollen from oversoaking in sudsy water. I think the verb slumps gives more dynamic to the opening, the revision is more descriptive and less active. Yes, I do like slumps In her cluttered kitchen.............
by capricorn
Mon Jan 28, 2019 11:47 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2066

Re: Eternal Peacock (revision 1)

Lovely poem, Eira, and I like your revision very much. Thanks JJ My brother's father-in-law used to be the head game keeper on some big estate in Northumberland, the Dukes, I think (not sure). Anyway, he used to send my parents a brace of pheasants, quite regularly, for a family treat. I spent many...
by capricorn
Mon Jan 28, 2019 11:33 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2066

Re: Eternal Peacock (revision 1)

. Hi Not, there is a lot to consider here :D Hi Eira, reading you revised Peacock, it occurred that you might consider addressing the poem to the bird, as in: Eternal Peacock your once vivid cobalt plumes now lacklustre and scratched, feet swollen from oversoaking[,] slumped against my ageing kitch...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:31 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2066

Re: Eternal Peacock

Hello fellow Cappy, The change from vivid to tile slump got my interest. Then I experienced some confusion about the peacock/cutting board fusion, caused likely by the combo of the domestic and the exotic subjects and touches. Playing with the domestic and exotic is wonderful, but the resolution he...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:26 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2066

Re: Eternal Peacock

Hi Eira - a lovely ode, and not much workshopping either. Enjoyed the discombobulation of S1 - is it a feather? …not if it's 'scratched' - 'feet swollen'… a person? … ah, a chopping board! The things we handle every day, often the corniest designs (I'm thinking imprinted 'melamine', 60's?) - how th...
by capricorn
Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:15 pm
Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
Topic: Eternal Peacock (revision 3)
Replies: 23
Views: 2066

Re: Eternal Peacock

lotus wrote:
Wed Jan 23, 2019 1:49 pm
capricorn wrote:
Tue Jan 22, 2019 12:36 am
and letters
from my first love.

dear Eira

this line brought me to think of
the peacock being the National Bird of India

silent lotus
Thanks for sharing this, Lotus, I wasn't aware that the peacock was India's National Bird. It is a beautiful and inspiring bird.

Eira