Crap joke for the day.

"There's more to life than books you know, but not much more."
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Crap joke for the day.

Post by camus » Thu Jun 08, 2006 2:36 pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the counter. He can see from the nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says

his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's

okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,

about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank

manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and

says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's
a Rolling Stone."
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Post by cameron » Thu Jun 08, 2006 2:46 pm

Not as crap as this one (in the same vein):

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the
dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the
man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip,
please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls
out "Gervais!!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter
instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the
hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he
notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched,
and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at
which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher.
Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about
to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when
it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits,
his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais with mild
green, hairy lip squid!"
Last edited by cameron on Sun Jun 18, 2006 8:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by pseud » Sat Jun 10, 2006 10:43 pm

No no, I insist, this is the crappiest:

One day aboard his ship, Captain Smith looked out off the deck of his war vessel into the horizon and saw three black sails.

He called to his second-in-command, "Schmee, get me my red shirt!"

Schmee did as he was told. And it was a good thing he did. The black sails approached, cannons were fired, men were killed on both sides, one black ship even tried to board Smith's vessel! But in the end the enemy was driven back.

Schmee asked, "Captain, why did you send for your red shirt?"

Smith replied, "because if I were wearing a white shirt, the men would know it if I were wounded in battle, and might give up hope."

The next day Captain Smith looked out on the horizon and saw 50 black sails.

He called, "Schmee get me my brown pants!"

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Post by twoleftfeet » Thu Jun 15, 2006 3:07 pm

I can't say which is the crappiest, but they're all very,very,bad.
More please!!!

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Post by twoleftfeet » Sat Jun 17, 2006 11:39 am

This is from a Dilbert cartoon . (He is a much-put-upon office worker)

The scene - it's annual appraisal time.

Boss: This year you won't get a pay rise based on past performance.
........ It's based on your future performance as predicted by the Head
........ Office computer.I have the assessment right here.

Dilbert: Er, OK. What am I getting?

Boss,,: Nothing. The computer predicts that you will die within 2 weeks
.........from an accident with a stapler.

Dilbert: What if I disagree with the assessment?

Boss: Type up your own and give them both back to me.
-------Make sure that you staple them together.....

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Post by cameron » Sun Jun 18, 2006 8:11 am

Geoff,

I picked up a 2nd hand copy of The Dilbert Principle about a year ago and thoroughly enjoyed it. The best chapter was the one about Pretending to Work or how to avoid doing any:

"Nothing is more efective for deflecting work than sheer incompetence. The more incompetent you seem, the less work you'll be asked to do."

"Build huge piles of documents around your work space. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts."

C

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Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jun 19, 2006 11:10 am

Cam.

Ditto. I then gave my copy to a pal who was going into business for
himself (in I.T).
I joked "I expect you'll use it to create your Company manual"
to which he replied "It IS my company manual!"

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Post by Bombadil » Mon Jun 19, 2006 10:44 pm

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Thus, he was known as a "Super-calloused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis".

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Post by kozmikdave » Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:13 am

Terrible!

A group of archeologists from National Geograhic were researching South American physical culture when they fell upon a story about a famous Inca icon - the petrified penis of the poofter Peruvian prince. They decided to send an expedition in search of it.

They visited many Inca ruins with always the same question, "Have you noticed the petrified penis of the poofter Peruvian prince anywhere around the dig?" Of course noone had and so the search continued...

Eventually, (after asking for the petrified penis of the poofter Peruvian prince many times on their journey), they happened upon a small dig high up in the Andes, the final place they had on their list to look. Again they asked if the resident archeologist had seen the petrified penis of the poofter Peruvian prince. Perhaps I have seen the petrified penis of the poofter Peruvian prince way up on that hill in a small crypt on the very crest. The weary expedition trekked up the hill and sure enough there was a small crypt up there. They pushed open the door and shone their torches around. Lo and behold, there in pride of place on a stone tablet was a cylindrical stone, about 6 inches long and about the right thickness.

They carefully wrapped it up and sent it back to National Geographic together with a note, "Is this the petrified penis of the poofter Peruvian prince?" They waited for the reply (just in case they were mistaken, and the beer was good at altitude).

Two weeks went by and their reply came (by llama post, of course). It read, "Keep searching. This is not the petrified penis of the poofter Peruvian prince, but rather, the crystalline crap of some creep who crept into the crypt, crapped, and then crept out again!"

Cheers
Dave

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Post by barrie » Fri Aug 18, 2006 3:35 pm

The doctor handed his constipated patient a prescription for suppositories.

"Try these and come back and see me in ten days."

Ten days later the patient returned.

"Did the suppositories do the trick then?" asked the doctor.

"For all the good they did, I might as well have shoved them up my arse!" said the patient.

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Post by camus » Sat Aug 19, 2006 12:31 am

One Liners

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

A good pun is its own reword.
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Post by twoleftfeet » Sat Aug 19, 2006 2:39 pm

An inept golfer turns up for a round with his mates.
Normally he has a box full of balls , as he loses so many in the rough
and water hazards, but this time he has only one ball.

When his 5 mates take the piss, he bets them each 20 quid he will
get round without losing it.

First hole - he tees off straight into the lake. They ask for their money,
but he walks up to the lake and the ball emits a strobe light so he finds it.

Second hole - he slices the ball into the woods. They ask for their money,
whereupon the ball starts beeping and so he is able to retrieve it.

Of course , he gets through the round 100 quid better off.
They all enquire "Where did you get that fantastic golf ball?"

"I found it" he replied

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Post by barrie » Sat Sep 09, 2006 1:33 pm

A DIY enthusiast has been driving around Liverpool for hours looking for a B&Q store. Tired and fed up, he pulls up alongside a Scouser.

"'Scuse me, do you know if there's a B&Q in Liverpool?"

The Scouser thinks for a minute, gazes into space, and begins to silently mouth each of the letters - L-I-V-E-R-P-O-O-L. When he's mouthed the final L, he turns to the driver and says.

"No pal, there isn't."

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Post by twoleftfeet » Tue Sep 12, 2006 9:42 am

True story:

The English class has been reading Shakespeare.

Teacher: Who can tell me what a goblet is?

Silence.

Teacher: Would someone like to make a guess?

Little girl: Is it a little goblin, Miss?

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Post by Jester » Wed Mar 28, 2007 8:45 pm

A woman who'd worked at Blackpool Pleasurebeach for forty years was sacked yesterday for being dyslexic. She's taking them to a tribunal for funfair dismissal.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave til its bill withers.

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands, eating a bun, next to the chair while the he's having his hair cut. The barber says to her, "You're going to get hairs on your muffin." "Yes" the girl replies, "and I'm going to grow tits too!"
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

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Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Mar 30, 2007 10:24 am

Newsreader on TV:
Blah, blah, blah..... Should teenage boys be allowed to play football with teenage girls?

My brother Bill:
NO. They should use footballs like everyone else.

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Post by marten » Fri Apr 06, 2007 7:31 am

Thomas was standing close to the sea's edge, as the battered wooden ship, baring the tattered threads of a skull and crossbones, crept its way into the sandy shallows. Hearing the offbeat sound of a pegleg thud, across the decks; a scraggly form approaches Thomas, stuggling down the rope ladder, churning through the knee high water, losing balance akwardly across the sand, and pulling swigs from a 100 proof bottle. Thomas is confronted with ol' blackbeard himself, in a state many would consider relatively undesireable.

Baffled by the beligerant display (the Yaarrrs that crack the salty air, amidst ol' time dirty SwEAr words and spit), Thomas decides to welcome this drunken pirate to shore.

"That's a pretty sweet parrot on your shoulder; however, I'm a little puzzled as to why there is and old ship's wheel, attached around your sea dog member"

"Yaarr! Aye don' know, but it's drivin' me nuts."

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Post by pseud » Wed Apr 11, 2007 9:46 pm

If you have not read the story of George Washington and the Cherry Tree before, this joke will not make sense.

A boy was out late one night at about 3 AM tipping outhouses. After he had tipped all the outhouses in the neighborhood, he felt satisfied with himself, and came home, and went to sleep.

The next morning, as his family was sitting at the breakfast table, his father asked him where he was last night. He said he was asleep by 11.

This boy was notorious for being a prankster, so the father didn't buy this answer.

"Were you tipping outhouses last night?"

The boy paused, but then decided to come clean.

"Yeah dad I was tipping outhouses."

Immediately his father lept to his feet, chased after his son and started beating him.

"Why are you doing this? When George Washington told his father the truth he didn't get a beating!" cried the boy.

"George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree!"

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Post by camus » Thu Apr 12, 2007 3:08 pm

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Tue Jul 10, 2007 1:39 pm

A guy goes into a Job Centre looking for work.

The clerk behind the desk says : "What was your last job?"
Guy : "I worked in a bowling alley"
Clerk:"Tenpin?"
Guy: "No! Permanent"

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by barrie » Tue Jul 10, 2007 2:51 pm

As he was doing about seventy down the motorway, a driver was overtaken by a chicken. Shaken from his automaton like state, he went after it - He chased it at speeds of up to ninety before it turned onto a slip road and shot off down a country lane, with the determined driver close behind. Before long it skidded off down a dirt track and disappeared into a farmyard. The pursuing car juddered to a halt a few yards from an old farmer who was leaning on a shovel.

“Did you see that?” asked the bewildered driver.

“Aye.” said the farmer.

“I’m sure it had three legs .” the driver remarked excitedly.

“Aye.” said the farmer.

“Well I’m glad you saw it too, I thought I was seeing things.”

“Saw it,” said the farmer, “I breed the buggers!”

“Three legged chickens - why’s that?” enquired the puzzled man.

“Well it’s like this," the farmer continued, “I likes a leg, the wife likes a leg, and the son likes a leg, so it was a problem that needed solving.”

“That’s bloody marvellous!” said the driver admiringly, “What do they taste like?”

“Don’t know,” the farmer said, “I’ve never caught one!”

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Thu Jul 12, 2007 8:57 am

A guy goes into a pet shop

Guy: "I'd like a goldfish, please"

Owner::"Do you want an aquarium?"

Guy:"I don't care what star-sign it is!"

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by camus » Thu Jul 12, 2007 9:03 am

A chav walks into a pub, orders a pint and puts some money into the jukebox.
As the coin drops, the machine shouts out: "Sod off! I'm not playing that shit!"
The bemused chav looks at the bartender and says, "That jukebox is well out of order…"
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Bombadil » Thu Jul 12, 2007 3:12 pm

An old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done very well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So, he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town, he came to a house. He grabbed a basket of peaches, walked up to the house, and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde, wearing a sheer robe, answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, honey, what can I do for you?"

Somewhat shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these really nice peaches for sale."

The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. She opened the top of her robe, exposing her breasts, and said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Even more shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

Then, she opened the rest of her robe, revealing that she wasn't wearing any panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer broke down crying, and stammered, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She replied, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered, "Lady, first the cut worms ruined my tomato crop, and the weevils ate all my cotton. Now, something tells me you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Aug 10, 2007 10:29 am

My wife's birthday is coming up and she's been dropping hints like:

"I've always wanted something that goes from nought to 170 in 3 seconds"

- So I've bought her a set of bathroom scales..

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