Crap joke for the day.

"There's more to life than books you know, but not much more."
User avatar
camus
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 5046
Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2004 12:51 am
antispam: no
Location: Grimbia
Contact:

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by camus » Wed May 09, 2012 9:05 pm

Some good ones there Geoff.

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by brianedwards » Thu May 10, 2012 12:48 am

k-j wrote:I went to the doctor with chest pains. He took some x-rays and an ECG, and then told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why; he said -

"Because I'm trying to examine you!"
:lol:

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jun 03, 2012 1:56 pm

There was an unfortunate incident earlier today, when i was in Boots:
apparently, when the assistant said " Strip down facing me" she was referring to my debit card ...
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jun 03, 2012 2:01 pm

A ventriloquist goes on to a farm and says to the farmer
Is that your dog?
Yep, why?
Do you mind if I talk to him?
Er, ok mate do what you like...

Does he look after you?
Yeah, he's good, takes me for walks, feeds me well, he's ok.

Is that your horse over there?
Yes.
Do you mind if I talk to him?
Er, if you must..

Does he look after you?
Yeah, he's good, lets me roam where I please, feeds me well, he's ok.

Is that your sheep over there?
THAT SHEEP'S A ******* LIAR!
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jun 03, 2012 2:11 pm

Two Magistrates are done for speeding.
They get their court date, but it's wrong, and they're in court a day early and nobody else is around.
They decide to hear each others cases, so one goes on the bench, and one goes in the dock.
The first one says,
"You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?"
"Guilty."
"OK,you're fined a fiver."

They swap places.
"You've been accused of speeding, how do you plead?"
"Guilty."
"OK, I'm giving you 6 months in prison."
"Hang on a minute, I only gave you a fine."
"I know, but this is the second case of speeding we've had today and it's got to stop!"
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jun 11, 2012 7:51 pm

time-travel.jpg
time-travel.jpg (46.02 KiB) Viewed 7457 times
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:58 pm

EURO 2012 NEWS - The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces, with no hope" said Stanislav, aged 6.
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

Antcliff
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6602
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Antcliff » Fri Jun 15, 2012 3:20 pm

good un....laughed out.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Wed Jul 04, 2012 12:22 pm

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter
what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jul 08, 2012 1:59 pm

My racing snail had been losing its last few races, so my mate suggested that I remove its shell to make it more aerodynamic, thus, faster.

"I already tried that," I said. "now he's even more sluggish."
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jul 08, 2012 2:03 pm

A 75 year old bloke who had been on a monumental bender left the pub and crawled home. He had told the wife he was going to play bridge and never mentioned he was going on the beer. He managed to get in home without waking the wife and crawled upstairs; decided to sleep in the spare room so he wouldn't disturb her.
Next morning he was woken by a very angry wife spitting fire.

She said " You went to the bloody pub again last night you old ********, didn't you?!"

He asked " But how did you find out? "

She answered " The pub rang this morning, you left your ****** wheel chair there again!"
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jul 08, 2012 2:06 pm

Three boy scouts, a lawyer, a priest and a pilot are in a plane that is just about to crash..

The pilot says, 'Well, we only have 3 parachutes, lets give them to the boy scouts. they are young and have their whole lives ahead of them.'

The lawyer shouts back, ''F*** the boy scouts!!'

The priest says, 'Do we have time?'
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Thu Aug 16, 2012 10:27 am

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
>
>One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
>
>A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
>
>Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
>
>Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
>
>'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
>
>'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
>
>'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
>
>'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
>
>'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

Lake
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2296
Joined: Fri Jun 08, 2007 4:55 pm
Location: Sky Blue Waters

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Lake » Thu Aug 16, 2012 3:12 pm

For crying out loud!
at 89 years old for the rape charges and
30 days for perjury.
Aim, then, to be aimless.
Seek neither publication, nor acclaim:
Submit without submitting.

一 Cameron

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:51 am

Two monkeys are having a bath.

One goes "ooh, ooh, ooh, OOH, OOOH, OOOOH!"

The other says "You'd better turn on the cold tap then , hadn't you?"
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:25 pm

KNOCK , KNOCK!

Who's there ?

DOORBELL REPAIRMAN
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sat Apr 20, 2013 12:53 pm

Three guys waiting at the pearly gates to get int heaven. St Peter says sorry lads only room for one more in here so who ever has the best hard luck story is the one I am leaving in. The first guy puts up his hand and says " that has to be me, I was just started a training run outside my flat when a huge American fridge freezer landed on me and crushed me to death." St Peter said " Wow that does sound like you were very unlucky"

The second guy says " I can beat that. I came home unexpectedly early from work and overheard my missus having sex with her lover. I burst into the house and found her in bed on her own, so i ran over to the balcony and saw this man fleeing the scene so I grabbed our fridge freezer that has wheels fitted to it and flung it over the balcony and killed the guy. The strain of doing this caused me to get a heart attack and I died" St Peter said " In all fairness i don't think anyone can beat that story for being so unlucky"

The third guy said " I think I can beat it" St Peter said " Ok let's hear it"

The guy said " Well it's a bit of a long story, but I was in this fridge"..
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Jun 14, 2019 10:55 am

A man walks into a pub and his best mate is sitting there with a sun-tan and with a gold medal round his neck.
Man: Where did you get the sun tan?
Mate: France
Man: and the gold medal?
Mate: Do you remember when we were at school we used to stick a ruler in a desk and make a twanging noise?
Man: Yeah,you were really good!
Mate: Well,at the place I was staying they were holding the World Championships. I won!
Man: Congratulations! Whereabouts in France was it?
Mate: The DORDOGNE..
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Wed Jun 19, 2019 10:03 pm

====================================================================================================

Most people know that Charles Dickens' novels were published widely in serial format via various national publications.
It seems, however, that "A Tale of Two Cities" was released only through two regional newspapers.
Apparently - it was the Bicester Times and it was the Worcester Times.

===================================================================================================
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

Post Reply