Crap joke for the day.

"There's more to life than books you know, but not much more."
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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Lubesh » Mon Aug 13, 2007 5:16 pm

A man sees 'Talking Dog - going cheap £10', advertised in his local rag.

He knocks on the owners door and is shown to the back yard.
and is introducd to the dog and ask him some questions.

"How long have been here?"

"Quite a while now, I used to work for the government as a spy, but as time passed, kid's left hime, you know, age and stuff, I retired and got a small job at the airports sniffing out drugs and bombs - that got too much, my wife died and so i came to live here."

The man turned to the owner, "That's incredible, but why are you selling the dog so chealy?"

The owner replied, "'Cos he's a f*******liar!"

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by marten » Fri Sep 28, 2007 4:09 am

Sorry :roll:



1. Two antennas met on a roof fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

4. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

5. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

6. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

9. And finally, there was the person who sent eighteen different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Well you know you can't spend what you ain't got,
you can't lose some blues you ain't never had
-Muddy Waters

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Travis » Wed Oct 10, 2007 6:17 pm

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade which fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A hard boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to dough basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

And finally...

A doctor fell into the well and broke his collar bone. This should teach the doctor to tend the sick and leave the well alone!

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Oskar » Wed Oct 10, 2007 9:01 pm

John Cooper Clarke:

ON WALES
I played a gig in Cardiff last week and had a run in with the Welsh mafia. They made me an offer I couldn't understand.

ON LATIN DEFINITIONS
Coitus Interruptus... that's Latin for "Hold the mayo".

ON DYSLEXIA
Fancy calling it dyslexia, a word no fucker can spell.

ON OPTICIANS
A Polish man goes into an opticians...
The optician covers one eye up and says to the bloke...
"Can you read the top line?"
The Polish man says, "Read it! I know him".
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Wed Nov 07, 2007 7:21 pm

An old bloke goes into the pub ,orders 3 pints , downs them and walks out.
This happens for a week - intrigued, the barman asks him why he orders 3 pints at a time.
"Well", says the old man, "I've got two brothers - one in Canada and one in Australia - this is my way of having a
pint with them"

Next week the old bloke goes into the pub and orders 2 pints.
"Oh dear" says the barman "Has one of your brothers died?"
"No" says the old man "I've given up drinking".

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sat Nov 24, 2007 11:04 am

Steve McLaren has been invited to a Fancy Dress Ball.
He's going as a pumpkin, in the hope that at midnight he will turn into a coach.

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Tue Mar 04, 2008 9:40 am

I was intrigued to discover, in the lending library, a book entitled The Mammoth Book of Short Spy Novels

Amazingly there is no mention of either MISSION IMPOSSIBLE or TOM CRUISE.

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by TDF » Tue Mar 04, 2008 10:05 pm

Some excellent crap here, well done all :D


A snail got run over by a tortoise and had to be taken to hospital.
the doctor said: "what happened?"
the snail replied: "I don' know, it all happened so fast!"
meh and bah are wonderful words

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Ryder » Wed Mar 05, 2008 11:23 pm

Mick is off to London for the weekend. He arrives at Dublin airport departures lounge and get's talking to Mr's Dunn, a cleaner:

Mrs Dunn: 'And where is it you're off to?'
Mick: 'Tis London, for a weekend break! me first time out of Ireland!'
Mrs Dunn: 'Ah, me own son moved to London ten year's ago, and now we've lost touch.'

A tear appears in her eye as she explains how he stopped replying to her letters and Mick takes pity!

Mick: 'I'll tell you what (he says), give me his address, I'll look him up and talk it through with him!'

Mr's Dunn: 'Ah would you Mick!'

She scribbles his address down on a piece of paper.

Mr's Dunn: ' Now there it is. His name's Neary and he lives on Doughty Street, London, WC1 '.

Mick's flight is announced and he dashes for the plane.

Doughty Street

Mick walking down Doughty Street see's a sign pointing downward and saying ' WC'S '. He checks Mr's Dunns note. Secretly congratulating himself heads down the steps. On seeing a line of numbered doors, he marches up to No.1, and, noticing a pair of feet under the gap, knock's on it.

Mick: ' Are you Neary Dunn! '

Man: ' Yes, but I can't find any paper! '

Mick: ' Well, that's no excuse for not writing to yer mother! '

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:04 pm

Did you know that Sixties' pop icon Chubby Checker wrote a Whodunnit ?

Apparently the ending has a great twist...

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by k-j » Thu Mar 20, 2008 6:16 am

twoleftfeet wrote:Did you know that Sixties' pop icon Chubby Checker wrote a Whodunnit ?

Apparently the ending has a great twist...
Possibly the dreadfulest joke I've ever heard.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by the stranger » Thu Mar 20, 2008 11:56 pm

A few Music related hilarities:

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

Apple have announced the launch of an MP3 player that stores and plays music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost £499 and is being heralded as a major breakthrough for women, who are always complaining that men just stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Mar 21, 2008 4:23 pm

A drummer, fed up with being the butt of other musicians' jokes goes into a music store,
intent on finding an alternative instrument.

After an hour's looking around :

Drummer: I'll take that concertina
Assistant: You'r a drummer aren't you, Sir?
Drummer: Yeah - how did you guess?
Assistant: It's a radiator , Sir..

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by marten » Wed Apr 09, 2008 5:13 pm

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Well you know you can't spend what you ain't got,
you can't lose some blues you ain't never had
-Muddy Waters

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Sandbanx » Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:59 am

I went to the pharmacy and asked if they sold Viagra.

"Certainly" was the reply.

"Would I be able to get it over the counter?" I asked.

"If you took two, you probably could"


******************************************


A man went to the golf course on his own one day and the pro told him he would have to join a group of three nuns already on the first tee,

He approached the group and introduced himself, explaining that he had been told to join them, and they welcomed him, inviting him to tee off first.

Thanking them he tees up the ball, takes a few practice swings and then addresses the ball. Taking a big swing he hits a hook that goes across the next fairway and settles into the deep rough.

"Shit" he says, slammming his club to the ground.

The eldest nun scowls at him and says "Now look young man, we don't mind you playing along with us, but we won't tolerate that sort of language."

He apologizes and promises that it won't happen again.

The same nun then tees up and takes a swing. The ball bounces down the left side of the fairway, hits a tree and bounces back to the tee.

"F**k" says the nun.

"Hey" the man says. " It hought you just told me that such language was unacceptable?"

She looked at him for a moment and says "Well yes, but you didn't hit a f**king tree did you?"
"Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy." C. Dickens

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Travis » Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:35 pm

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule,
and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John
Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by
the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They
desire average solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like "x" and
"y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the
axis of medi eval with coordinates in every country."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of
math instruction, He would have given us more fingers
and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a
sine that it is intent on protracting us from these
math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with
calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to
inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the
President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we
must differentiate their root, make our point, and
draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math
instruction have the potential to decimal everything
in their math on a scalene never before seen unless
we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
factor in random facts of vertex.

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "as our Great Leader
would say, 'read my ellipse'. Here is one principle he
is certain of: though they continue to multiply,
their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens
around their necks."
There's only one rule in street and bar fights: maximum violence, instantly. (Martin Amis, "Money")

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by marten » Wed Jul 09, 2008 9:31 pm

New Sunburn Treatment


>> A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and
>> got horrible sunburn,
>> specifically to his upper legs.
>>
>> He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted
>> after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
>>
>> With his skin already starting to blister, and the
>> severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed
>> continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
>> electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every
>> four hours.
>>
>> The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What
>> good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
>>
>> The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his
>> condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Well you know you can't spend what you ain't got,
you can't lose some blues you ain't never had
-Muddy Waters

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Ryder » Fri Sep 05, 2008 12:23 pm

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .


'So what the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Travis » Wed Oct 22, 2008 3:57 pm

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping.

Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"

The systems engineer says, "Maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem."

The software engineer says, "Why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"
There's only one rule in street and bar fights: maximum violence, instantly. (Martin Amis, "Money")

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Raisin » Sat Nov 22, 2008 4:42 pm

What's the first thing a baby chav says to the mummy chav?

"What are YOU looking at?
In the beginning there was nothing, and it exploded. (Terry Pratchett on the Big Bang Theory)

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by stuartryder » Sat Nov 22, 2008 9:11 pm

A man discovers a small growth in the centre of his forehead, so he goes to see his doctor.

The doctor has a prod and gives him some cream. He says "Come back in two weeks if it hasn't gone away."

The man leaves the surgery and he doesn't notice the concerned look on his doctor's face.

Two weeks later, the growth has grown longer and bigger, so he goes back to the surgery.

The doctor does a test, then he says "I'm afraid it's as I feared a fortnight ago. It's a permanent condition and there's nothing I can do to cure it. You are growing a penis on your forehead."

The man is like, WTF! He feels his forehead, and then he says "So how big will it get, and when will it stop growing?"

"Well, it'll be the size of your other penis, I suppose," says the doctor. "I should think it'll take another two weeks."

"Jeez," says the man. "So you're saying that in a couple of weeks' time, for the rest of my life, every time I look in a mirror I'll see an enormous dick on the front of my head?"

"Oh no," reassures the doctor, "you won't notice a thing. The bollox you'll grow will cover your eyes."

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by juliadebeauvoir » Thu Nov 27, 2008 6:58 am

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
:
:
:
:
Gifted!
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by k-j » Thu Dec 04, 2008 6:15 pm

I went to the doctor with chest pains. He took some x-rays and an ECG, and then told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why; he said -

"Because I'm trying to examine you!"
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Travis » Thu Dec 04, 2008 6:22 pm

Breaking economic news...

Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
There's only one rule in street and bar fights: maximum violence, instantly. (Martin Amis, "Money")

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by k-j » Fri Dec 12, 2008 6:32 pm

What's the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your drive.
fine words butter no parsnips

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