Crap joke for the day.

"There's more to life than books you know, but not much more."
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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Dec 14, 2008 9:55 pm

Select Samaritan wrote:Breaking economic news...

Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Apparently,also, the wheels came off the Honda Building Society, and the CEO of the Yamaha Bank was strung-up

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by PhilipCFJohnson » Sat Dec 20, 2008 6:16 pm

Okay I think I'm about to change all of your minds...

_________________________________________

So there's this man, and he lives in the city. He's never been to the country-side before and is an avid fan of farmyard machinery! He just loves tractors so much! He even gets tractor-driver monthly, despite not owning an actual tractor!

So one day he gets news of a country fair not too far away and knows that this is his one chance to drive a tractor and meet some tractor owners!!

He's really excited and when he gets there he heads straight for the biggest most beautiful, shiny, yellow tractor in the whole fair! He approaches the farmer who owns it and says:

"Hello, pleased to meet you! Could ask you a really big favor?"

"What?" Says the farmer

"Would it be possible if I could have a drive of your tractor? It's just I'm such a big enthusiast and I've never seen a tractor before!" Replies the man

"You must be f***ing joking! Jog on sunshine!" replies the farmer furiously

And so the man continues around the fair.

A little taken aback but no less excited, the man then proceeds to the next tractor, a slightly smaller, not as pretty, red tractor.
He asks it's owner:

"Please, I know it's a bit rude of me to ask if I take your tractor for a drive, but would it be okay if I just sat in it for a while? It's just that I've really love tractors ever since I was a little lad!"

"I'd never let somebody like you anywhere near my tractor, you filthy townie! "Piss off!" the second farmer yells.

And so the man continues around the fair.

Quite upset by the previous reactions he got from the farmers, the man decides this is his last shot and so approaches with care, the final tractor. A bashed up little rusty green tractor. So he walks up to the farmer in charge of it and says:

"Please mate, I don't want to drive your tractor or sit in it, but it would really mean the world to me if I could just take a picture with it! Would that be okay?"

The farmer turns to him, livid, and says:

"If you don't f**k off away from my tractor right now, I'll tear you limb from limb and feed you to my dogs, you townie b*st*rd!!"

So the man, his spirit thoroughly broken leaves the fair.

By this point he's been put off tractors for life and vows that he'll never go to see another tractor for as long as he lives!

To drown his sorrows he goes to a pub. When he arrives he sits himself on a stool by the bar, places both hands down and breathes in deep!

Miraculously he inhales all the smoke in the pub leaving the air perfectly clear!

The barmaid, astounded, looks at him and says:

"That's incredible!! How on earth did you manage to do that?!"

"Ah" says the man "I'm an x-tractor fan"

__________________________________________

Is that not or is that not the world worst joke?! :D
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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by stuartryder » Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:28 pm

Philip, that is the worst joke in the history of the world.

It *isn't* the most contrived, I don't believe. That accolade goes to the one with the bank clerk called Patti Whack.

Finally, am I the only one who thought that the joke about the guy shooting his friend to confirm said friend's deadness to be, far from the best joke ever, one of the absolute worst?

Cheers

Stuart

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by PhilipCFJohnson » Sun Dec 21, 2008 11:03 pm

Select Samaritan wrote:I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade which fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A hard boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to dough basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

And finally...

A doctor fell into the well and broke his collar bone. This should teach the doctor to tend the sick and leave the well alone!
Simply genius!!! Loved it! :D
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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by PhilipCFJohnson » Mon Jan 26, 2009 1:10 am

So there's this man playing golf with a vicar...

He swings for the ball and misses. "Ah f**K. Missed the b*st*rd!" He says, to which the vicar advises. "You know you really musn't swear."

A short time later the man misses the ball again and says: "Ah f**K. Missed the b*st*rd!", to which the vicar once more tells him "It's bad to swear, you musn't do it!"

Later on the vicar and the man are on the last hole and the man swings for the ball again, and once again he misses it: "Ah f**K. Missed the b*st*rd!" he shouts in a rage!

"Right" says the Vicar, "I warned you! The next time you swear God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!"

Ignoring the vicar, the man swings one last time and misses. "Ah f**K missed the b*st*rd!" he says!

True to the vicars word, the clouds gather over head! Suddenly God casts down a great big bolt lightning and strikes the vicar dead!!

The clouds part and God says: "Ah f**K. Missed the b*st*rd!"
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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Sharra » Mon Jan 26, 2009 11:34 am

hahaha you've made me burst out laughing in a library - thanks for that!!
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jan 26, 2009 4:14 pm

A husband and wife are shopping at the supermarket.

He spots a special offer - 20 cans of lager, normally twenty quid for a tenner!
But she says "No way, we can't afford it"

Then she proceeds to basket a jar of face cream for 30 quid.
Before he can say anything, she says "It makes me look beautiful!".

Immediately the husbands says "So would the lager, and it's a lot cheaper!"

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by k-j » Mon Jan 26, 2009 4:42 pm

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by PhilipCFJohnson » Mon Jan 26, 2009 4:48 pm

Sorry for the fair haired among you but....

"Why were their bullet holes in the mirror?"

"Because the blond tried to kill herself!"

:lol:

Sorry... :oops:
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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Sharra » Wed Jan 28, 2009 7:50 am

lol!
I heard one the other day...
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
A carrot!!!
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Travis » Sat Jun 27, 2009 3:13 am

A piece of string walks into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, gets angry and ties himself into a knot.

He goes back in, and the bartender says before he even sits down, "Hey, get out, we don't serve knots either."

So the string goes back outside and gets furious. He frays all of his edges and storms back into the bar. The bartender is pissed now and demands, "Aren't you the same goddamn piece of string I just threw out of here twice?"

The string says: I'm afrayed knot.
There's only one rule in street and bar fights: maximum violence, instantly. (Martin Amis, "Money")

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Travis » Sat Jun 27, 2009 3:16 am

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted
me standing alone. She approached me.....

'My name is Carmen Cash,' she told me.

'That's a beautiful name,' I replied, 'Is
it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It
reflects the things
I like most -- cars, men, and money'

'What's your name?' she asked.

I said, 'B. J. Titsenpoker'
There's only one rule in street and bar fights: maximum violence, instantly. (Martin Amis, "Money")

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by nar » Sat Jun 27, 2009 11:43 am

HA!

Here's two crap jokes that are (471 letter) anagrams of each other:

_____

A lonely young lad is totally into tractors. He knows all the latest models.
One day though, he sees a tractor run over a dog and he becomes less interested in tractors because every time he thinks of them he is reminded of that poor old dog.

So, ten years pass and the lad (now a young man) walks into a bar with his girlfriend.
The girlfriend declares "God I hate it when it's so darn smoky in these places"
The lad takes a deep breath and then proceeds to breathe in all the smoke in the bar.
His girlfriend says "Man! how did you do that??"
The young man replied "Didn't you know that I'm an ex-tractor fan"
_____
=
_____
One weekend, a country lane walks into a pub and orders himself a drink.
Some other roads and lanes are all hanging out at the hotel bar too.
The old barman points over to the corner:
"See that motorway. I suggest you avoid him. He's the maddest road in here"

Only soon, a silly little orange dirt-track swaggers defiantly into the pub.
A chilling silence descends.
The motorway despondently downs his drink, hops deftly to his feet and makes for the fire exit.

"Hey, and I thought he was the maddest road in here?" says the lane.

The barman smiles:
"Indeed so, but that orange dirt-track is a cycle-path"
_____
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:41 am

You know you're a redneck
When your home has wheels but your car doesn't.
There's tons more here :
http://www.fortogden.com/foredneck.html

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Travis » Thu Oct 08, 2009 6:02 pm

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow."

"Interrupting cow wh..."

"Moo!"
There's only one rule in street and bar fights: maximum violence, instantly. (Martin Amis, "Money")

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by GONE AWAY » Tue Dec 01, 2009 6:44 pm

Hope you don't mind me adding one to 'Crap joke for the day.' I'm always looking for a good laugh?

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our respective sons. ..What about your son, what has he achieved in life?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...What a disappointment for you."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him regardless. And he hasn't done too bad from it either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and would you believe it, but he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from three of his boyfriends."
[center]I HAVE FUCKED OFF TO BETTER FORUMS.[/center]

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Wed May 26, 2010 12:38 pm

For her birthday I bought my wife a matching belt and bag.
The Hoover's working like new again now.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many builders does it take it to change a light-bulb ?
A: Sigh! It's not as simple as that - you have to knock down this supporting wall, put in a lintel..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Mar 04, 2011 2:40 pm

Apparently there's a dyslexic bloke from Yorkshire who wears a cat flap on his head


For my son's birthday, we bought him an iPod, my daughter got an iPhone, and I was thrilled to get an iPad for mine.
Thinking along the same lines, i bought the missus an iRon.


A husband and wife, are in bed naked -
Wife: "What would you like to do most with my body?"
Husband: "Identify it "
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by JohnLott » Sat Mar 05, 2011 2:45 pm

Getting Rid of the Forbidden Word

I’m sitting down. That’s plain to see,
With seat firm on the lavatory.
My navel thrice I’ve contemplated
But sad to say I’m constipated.

My wife told me just what to do;
‘On this ‘ere Exlax take a chew’.
And being slave to that fair maiden,
I quickly did what I was bidden.

Now I’m left to hang about,
While the chocolate works it out.
Oh My God! I am undone.
I’ve blown my Soul to Kingdom Come!
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Dec 30, 2011 2:43 pm

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Oskar » Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:30 pm

THE PARKING SPACE

Saul Epstein is driving in Jerusalem. He’s late for a meeting, he’s looking for a parking space, and can’t find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: “Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays.”
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, “Never mind, I just found one!”

MEAL TIME ON EL-AL

It was mealtime during a flight on El-AL.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” Moishe asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
"This is going to be a damn masterpiece, when I finish dis..." - Poeterry

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:40 pm

A Chinaman, a Burmese, a Korean, a Vietnamese, a Japanese,

a Cambodian, an Indonesian, a Malaysian and a Mongolian walk into a restaurant.


The Head Waiter looks at each of them in turn, then says

"Sorry, gentlemen, you can't come in here without a Thai".
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:45 pm

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved
3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming
for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit,
cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Grandad says ,again in a controlled voice,
"William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman,
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter
how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.
William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather,
"but I'm William . . . The little bastard's name is Kevin."
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by Ros » Sun Apr 29, 2012 1:14 pm

Ah, it was about time someone woke this thread up. thanks, chaps.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Re: Crap joke for the day.

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Apr 29, 2012 1:27 pm

Fred and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Fred suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse/Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to
be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
"Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to
a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."


"The bad news is, Fred hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."


Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...

How soon can I go home?"
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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