journey to work on a bus

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John G
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journey to work on a bus

Post by John G » Fri May 31, 2013 1:51 pm

I am facing the way I am moving
and I think this seat is damp and
the man in front,
he is counting lamp-posts as they go by

one, two,
he doesn’t know if he should include telegraph poles as lamp-posts,
a pause
a decision, no,
three, four etc etc.

To my right a boy wears headphones
so large,
its like two planets are orbiting his head.

I think of you and the usual things
the usual stuff and you I think of you.

At the entrance a man wears two hats,
one over another,
on top of each other
and his eyes scan paving stones for discarded cigarettes

but he has no light, an exercise in futility and

cars pass as they always do.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by KevJ » Fri May 31, 2013 5:45 pm

I feel I've been on this journey with you John. And I know how a mundane work a day bus journey can be brightened up by a bit of people watching. enjoyed the read. :wink:
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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by Ros » Fri May 31, 2013 7:24 pm

Strange and enjoyable, as yours usually are.

I think of you and the usual things
the usual stuff and you I think of you.

in the middle is great.

Ros
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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by Antcliff » Fri May 31, 2013 7:26 pm

With Ros. I liked that bit too, John.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by Macavity » Fri May 31, 2013 10:49 pm

John G wrote:I am facing the way I am moving
and I think the seat opposite is damp,
and the man in front
is counting lamp-posts as they go by

one, two,
he doesn’t know if he should include telegraph poles as lamp-posts,
a pause
a decision, no,
three, four and more.

To my right a boy wears headphones
so large,
its like two moons are orbiting his head.

I think of you and the usual things
the usual stuff and you I think of you.

At the entrance a man wears two hats,
one over another,
on top of each other
and his eyes scan paving stones for cigarettes

but he has no light, an exercise in futility and

cars pass as they always do.
Just some suggestions, to ignore or otherwise. My fav line is the concluding one, reminds me of Keats' 'And no birds sing' in its emptiness.

mac

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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by Arian » Sat Jun 01, 2013 11:42 am

Terrific John, really good. As kev says it captures a sense of mundanity (mundaneness?) extremely well. v2 got a real laugh from me, and the last line is a triumph.

Do you really need the 'he' at the beginning of l4? Breaks the rhythm a bit. Whatever, a return to form plus a bit, in my view.

Cheers
peter

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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by twoleftfeet » Sat Jun 01, 2013 12:12 pm

Hi, Jon

I like how you combine genuine observation with quirky assumption: the guy is counting lamp-posts and the tramp has no lighter.

Much enjoyed.

Geoff
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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by John G » Mon Jun 03, 2013 1:03 pm

one and all, thanks for the collective thumbs up.

Kev, they say write about what you know, and I many hours on busses and trains and luckily it provides plenty of time to think and observe and that's where this piece came from.

In fact I've written a series of short bits (well, they are mainly facebbok updates!) relating to the things seen on the daily slog to work and im trying to put them all together into one piece. Once done I'll post.

Ros, glad you like that line - I didn't know if it would fit with the overall piece but it seems to have worked.

Arian, thanks for the pat on the back. Glad it hit the spot.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by Arian » Mon Jun 03, 2013 6:43 pm

John G wrote: Arian...
No need for formalities, John. Peter is fine.

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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by oranggunung » Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:51 pm

Hi John

once again I see the potential for haibun.
There's a distillation in some observations that seems destined for haiku.
That still leaves space for simple prose.

I'm not saying I dislike this format.
That would be far from the truth.

Just encouraging a venture into a new style.


cheers

og

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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by John G » Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:52 am

Og, following on for your last post, Ive been looking into haibun and am just getting my head around the structure etc but its something I want to explore (along with more haiku) as I'm looking at ways to simplify my writing.

Can you suggest any good examples you could recommend?
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

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Re: journey to work on a bus

Post by oranggunung » Fri Jun 07, 2013 7:30 am

Hi John

I won’t recommend style or content, but I can direct you to some sites which publish haibun online:


http://contemporaryhaibunonline.com

http://haibuntoday.com

British Haiku Society
http://britishhaikusociety.org.uk/2012/ ... n-section/
http://britishhaikusociety.org.uk/2011/ ... n-section/
http://britishhaikusociety.org.uk/links/


There is a minimalist haibun style that is currently fashionable, using a single haiku after a short (100 words, or fewer) paragraph of text.
That feels rather like the 5-7-5 approach to haiku, but it is a place to start.


From http://contemporaryhaibunonline.com/pag ... tions.html

Paul Conneally, Haibun Director of the World Haiku Club, defines current English haibun as: "Prose that has many of the characteristics associated with haiku—present tense (and shifts of tense though predominant voice 'present'), imagistic, shortened or interesting syntax, joining words such as 'and' limited maybe, a sense of 'being there', descriptions of places people met and above all 'brevity'. The haiku ... should link to the prose but is not a direct carry on from the prose telling some of what has already been said - no - it should lead us on - let our mind want for more, start traveling."


Hope that helps

og

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