Sleep

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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LoveMinusZero
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Sleep

Post by LoveMinusZero » Sat Jun 01, 2013 2:48 am

Everyone’s an artist,
snug inside their sheets.
Awakened by our sleeping minds,
subconscious finds its feet.

Dancing like a plastic bag
caught in a gust of wind,
expanding like a child’s balloon
unfolding from within.

Fragmented dreams
when you were young
still linger to this day.

Inside the mind
grand paintings hung,
forgotten smiles you’ve saved.
A dying man in a living room.

oranggunung
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Re: Sleep

Post by oranggunung » Sun Jun 02, 2013 10:18 am

Hi LMZ

I like the idea of artistry within dreams. If that suggests a dreamer can direct the dream, is there any mileage there?

I also like the paired structuring of the verses. The poem is very easy to read as a result of this.
The images don’t flow quite as smoothly though. Potentially that might be a reflection of the disjointed nature of dreams.

interesting

og

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Re: Sleep

Post by Macavity » Sun Jun 02, 2013 8:23 pm

Dancing like a plastic bag
caught in a gust of wind
Made me think of a scene in American Beauty.



mac

John G
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Re: Sleep

Post by John G » Mon Jun 03, 2013 11:38 am

Agreed that its easy to read I think the idea that everyone can be, or as the potential to be an artist is a noble thought. Which probably explains why we are here on this site, trying to sharpen out tools, so to speak.

As Og said, a good clear structure, however, the image of a plastic bag blowing in the breeze is rather clichéd and I personally would lose that verse.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

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TonyMac
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Re: Sleep

Post by TonyMac » Sun Jul 07, 2013 10:11 pm

I found this a pleasant read. I rather like the imagery of a plastic bag caught in the wind.
All that I had I brought,
Little enough I know;
A poor rhyme roughly wrought,
A rose to match thy snow:
All that I had I brought.
(Ernest Dowson 1867 - 1900)

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