Kids Eh?

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David Smedley
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Kids Eh?

Post by David Smedley » Fri Jul 05, 2013 8:06 pm

He's showing cousin Mary
how daddy hurts mommy.
Has got Billy, his
Tyrannosaurus-Rex
layed between the thighs
of her naked Barbie doll;
thrusting it, backwards and forwards
Shouting UGH UGH UGH
I'M COMING.....

Thats when mummy screams
he tells her.

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by Macavity » Sat Jul 06, 2013 2:43 am

hi David

Not sure if this one brings much freshness of image/language to a familiar narrative.

mac

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by David Smedley » Sun Jul 07, 2013 5:46 pm

Hiya, Mac, I thought this was a fairly fresh angle myself, I have never come across such before, hey-ho, shall think on the revision....Seeya....D

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by Jackie » Sat Jul 13, 2013 10:48 pm

Hi David,

Sorry, but I'm a teacher: children sometimes write about experiences like this in writing workshops at early elementary/primary level. When they do we become aware of activities they are being exposed to. The fact that the boy uses a monster figure for the man and emphasizes hurt and aggression shows that the activities or the settings are inappropriate for children.

So the only adult aspect I see here is in the title, and it's flippant. I have to protest--what's funny?

I've enjoyed your other posts.

Jackie

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by David Smedley » Sun Jul 14, 2013 4:00 pm

Thank you jackie, having never been exposed to workshops at early elementary/primary level I will take your word as to the content of some of them, my brit sense of humour would find those like this extremely funny.

seeya...David
Last edited by David Smedley on Sun Jul 14, 2013 4:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jul 14, 2013 4:12 pm

David Smedley wrote:Thank you jackie, having never been exposed to workshops at early elementary/primary level I will take your word as to the content of some of them, our brit sense of humour would find those like this extremely funny.

seeya...David
I have to disagree I'm afraid David. I wouldn't find this behavior funny in a child. If you made the first line the title I think the poem would more accurately reflect the impact it probably has on most adult readers.

B.

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by David Smedley » Sun Jul 14, 2013 4:26 pm

hiya brian, I shall change that "catchall" to "my" sense of humour. does this poem disturb you in some way?

Thanks for the post......David

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by Ros » Sun Jul 14, 2013 6:47 pm

I'm reading it that you're intending to show how children can misinterpret things - how here they are mistaking pleasure for pain, and saying that that can be amusing. However, coming to it cold, as a reader, it is disturbing because of the way you describe it so violently. Poetically, it's rather chopped-up prose without much attention to sound or metaphor or anything, so I think it would be due for revision anyway. Afraid you'd have to add me to the list of non-amused here.

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jul 14, 2013 7:40 pm

Sorry, DavidS

That joke has probably been around longer than Barbie, (though, tbf, not dinosaurs) and you've done nothing to disguise
it or diminish its cringe quotient.

I'm sure you can do better than this.

Geoff
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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by David Smedley » Sun Jul 14, 2013 9:55 pm

Ros wrote:
Poetically, it's rather chopped-up prose without much attention to sound or metaphor
Hiya Ros, the sound or metaphor angle does not come into it, a "poem" does not have to contain either one or both. The "chopped up prose" thought intrigues me though, because I think that most "poems" are "chopped up prose" different line breaks, layout and devices to disguise it. but essentially?
feel free to expand on the subject......regards...David

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by David Smedley » Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:07 pm

Geoff wrote:
you've done nothing to disguise
it or diminish its cringe quotient
.
That's the point, I wasn't trying to diminish it. I wanted a range of things within it that some readers have picked up on.

Thanks Geoff..David

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by BenJohnson » Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:53 pm

It is a fine line between humour and disturbing and for me this falls on the disturbing side of that line. Which is not a bad thing if it is intended. As Jackie mentioned using the T-Rex as a protagonist in this instantly sets up an image for the reader of monsters and makes it darker, Crystal Ken might be something different altogether. If it is indeed to be dark and disturbing it works, humorous I'm not so sure.

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:57 pm

David Smedley wrote:hiya brian, I shall change that "catchall" to "my" sense of humour. does this poem disturb you in some way?

Thanks for the post......David
No, the poem leaves me with no feeling to be honest David. It was simply your suggestion that Brits would find the behaviour it describes "extremely funny" that I wanted to address.

B.

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by Ros » Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:59 am

David Smedley wrote:Ros wrote:
Poetically, it's rather chopped-up prose without much attention to sound or metaphor
Hiya Ros, the sound or metaphor angle does not come into it, a "poem" does not have to contain either one or both. The "chopped up prose" thought intrigues me though, because I think that most "poems" are "chopped up prose"
No, absolutely not, I'd say. Poems are heightened, condensed language; pay attention to sonics, rhythm, cadence etc etc.

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jul 15, 2013 10:54 am

David Smedley wrote:Geoff wrote:
you've done nothing to disguise
it or diminish its cringe quotient
.
That's the point, I wasn't trying to diminish it. I wanted a range of things within it that some readers have picked up on.
If the focus is the T Rex doll/male attitudes then maybe change the title to "Boys, eh?" ?
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by brianedwards » Mon Jul 15, 2013 11:25 am

Bearing in mind this was posted on the Beginners board I feel it was remiss of me not to offer some advice regarding the construction of the poem. I've had a little play around to try to highlight how the language might be employed to achieve something like the effect you may have intended. With respect

Lesson

He's showing cousin Mary
with his plastic T-Rex
between the legs
of her naked Barbie.

And sometimes mummy screams,
he tells her.


B.

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:14 pm

Wasn't going to comment, but oh, that's talent B. You made it sound like poetry.

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by David Smedley » Mon Jul 15, 2013 6:56 pm

BenJohnson, thank you for your view......D

Ros, thanks for the further thought......D

Geoff, thanks for that suggestion it brought a smile....D

Brianedwards wrote:
He's showing cousin Mary
with his plastic T-Rex
between the legs
of her naked Barbie.

And sometimes mummy screams,
he tells her
Cheers Brian, I like this edit,but it does not have the power of the original, I'm all for cutting though.
feel free to do the same to anything I write ....D

Suzanne, thank you for the contribution....D

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by Arian » Mon Jul 15, 2013 7:11 pm

Hi DavidS

Well, I suppose I should confess that I found it neither funny nor poetic. Sorry. But not because of its subject matter. I think there's a slight tendency for (some) reviewers to forget that a poem can be considered good/bad independently of whether you agree/disagree with the material it deals with. I've seen poems I consider brilliant, even though the subject matter repulses me. Anyway, another subject. On this occasion, I think its main problem (in my view) is its lack of subtlety or poetic expression, it's just a collection of prosaic (which isn't to do with prose) lines, relying on 'shock value' and clumsy innuendo to amuse. On the other hand, it's good to have people around here who are willing to push the boundaries a bit, so I hope you stick around.

Cheers
peter

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Re: Kids Eh?

Post by David Smedley » Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:03 am

Thanks Peter, I sometimes go for less "subtlety" and must remember to "tone it down"....regards..D

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