First Sight

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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Jackie
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First Sight

Post by Jackie » Sat Jul 13, 2013 2:20 am

From his eye flash she cropped
just the love
to shape from it
her own found poem.

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Re: First Sight

Post by Macavity » Sat Jul 13, 2013 3:05 pm

Feels like the start of something? Not sure there is an impact by itself.

mac

BenJohnson
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Re: First Sight

Post by BenJohnson » Sun Jul 14, 2013 4:55 pm

I wonder what you would think of the suggestion to lose the third line? For me the result would feel closer to a haiku, currently I find the line to be a little redundant.

By the way welcome to P.G. :)

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Jackie
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Re: First Sight

Post by Jackie » Sun Jul 14, 2013 8:18 pm

Thank you, Ben, and I like that idea.

KevJ
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Re: First Sight

Post by KevJ » Fri Jul 19, 2013 7:05 pm

Yea! think there is a Haiku in here struggling to get out:


From his eye flashed
she cropped just the love
her own found poem.

Perhaps :wink:
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!

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Jackie
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Re: First Sight

Post by Jackie » Sun Jul 28, 2013 10:48 pm

I'll be back with this within another poem, I think. Thanks, all!

Jackie

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Re: First Sight

Post by Len P » Wed Jul 31, 2013 11:00 am

I think this is a fab idea that is very nearly beautifully executed. The last line (for me) just needs a tad bit of work. Otherwise I love this!

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Re: First Sight

Post by Jackie » Wed Jul 31, 2013 1:12 pm

Thank you for the encouragement, Len--I needed that this morning to get writing.

And welcome to PG!

Jackie

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