Seasons (a triolet)

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1278
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Jackie » Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:57 am

There's static in dry season beds;
I miss the softness of the rains.
Your touch was silk the night we wed!
There's static in dry season beds:
sparks flick from our mosquito net.
So brusquely now you call my name!
There's static in dry season beds;
I miss the softness of the rains.

BenJohnson
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1701
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:32 am
antispam: no
Location: New Forest, UK
Contact:

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by BenJohnson » Mon Jul 15, 2013 6:01 am

There is a lot to like here Jackie particularly the progression of the relationship in such a short piece. The images give it a strong sense of place as well. However for me the best triolets are light on their feet and currently I'm finding this a little heavy footed due to all the end stopped lines. If you loosened up the meter a little you could enjamb with relative ease.

For example

There's static in dry season beds
and I miss the softness of the rains.
Your touch was silk the night we wed
now there's static in dry season beds
and sparks flick from our mosquito net.
So brusquely now you call my name!
There's static in dry season beds;
and I miss the softness of the rains.

For me it has a less staccato effect.

artr
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2013 11:44 pm

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by artr » Mon Jul 15, 2013 3:47 pm

i very much like this jackie

best regards art

Nash

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Nash » Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:37 pm

I think this is a beautiful piece, Jackie. Excellent advice from Ben though, a few very minor changes could round off those slightly hard edges.

Cheers,
Nash.

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1278
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Jackie » Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:55 pm

Thank you, Ben, for your helpful advice! And thank you, Arty and Nash. It takes skill to make such a rigid form light! I'll try some more of these.

Jackie

Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6105
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Macavity » Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:09 pm

Enjoyed your poem Jackie. Personally I like the mechanical feel of this form so prefer your version. My only advice would be to drop the 's' and have 'rain'.

cheers

mac

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1278
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Jackie » Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:39 pm

Thank you so much, Mac.

The rains is a season, so to me, if I said the rain, I would ask, "Which rain do you mean?"

Antcliff
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6599
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Antcliff » Tue Jul 16, 2013 5:35 pm

I am fond of a triolet, Jackie..and I enjoyed this.
I especially liked all the internal "i" sounds.

Silk/flick/static/miss

I am rather with Mac I think.
Personally I like the mechanical feel of this form so prefer your version.
W
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1278
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Jackie » Tue Jul 16, 2013 6:07 pm

Thanks for kind words, Antcliff. The "i" use was inadvertent but it's interesting to me that it was. I've always held a conviction that while we focus on content, connected emotional motivations incline our brains to draw on aligned groups of sounds. I don't admit to this in face-to-face conversations because that would be the last word I'd get a chance to say, it sounds like such nonsense.

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by brianedwards » Wed Jul 17, 2013 12:41 pm

BenJohnson wrote:There is a lot to like here Jackie particularly the progression of the relationship in such a short piece. The images give it a strong sense of place as well. However for me the best triolets are light on their feet and currently I'm finding this a little heavy footed due to all the end stopped lines. If you loosened up the meter a little you could enjamb with relative ease.

For example

There's static in dry season beds
and I miss the softness of the rains.
Your touch was silk the night we wed
now there's static in dry season beds
and sparks flick from our mosquito net.
So brusquely now you call my name!
There's static in dry season beds;
and I miss the softness of the rains.

For me it has a less staccato effect.
This.

B.

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1278
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Jackie » Wed Jul 17, 2013 2:38 pm

This
Please explain your comment, Brian?

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by brianedwards » Wed Jul 17, 2013 2:47 pm

I agree with Ben.

Apologies for the lazy net-speke.

B.

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1278
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Jackie » Wed Jul 17, 2013 3:09 pm

Thanks for your feedback, B.

Elphin
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2947
Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:10 pm

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Elphin » Wed Jul 17, 2013 3:21 pm

Popping past to echo what the others have said - well done.

I would vote for Ben's edits.

elph

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1278
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by Jackie » Wed Jul 17, 2013 3:24 pm

Many thanks, Elphin. On to more triolets.

KevJ
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 825
Joined: Fri May 21, 2010 9:54 pm
Location: Birmingham

Re: Seasons (a triolet)

Post by KevJ » Fri Jul 19, 2013 6:19 pm

I must confess I had to google Triolet. And I happened on an example by Thomas Hardy:

How great my grief, my joys how few,
Since first it was my fate to know thee!
- Have the slow years not brought to view
How great my grief, my joys how few,
Nor memory shaped old times anew,
Nor loving-kindness helped to show thee
How great my grief, my joys how few,
Since first it was my fate to know thee?

Which I think has a melancholy and seriousness about it. Not unlike your own. So not always light in subject matter then.
I enjoyed the read Jackie now I have to go away and try and write a triolet for myself. :wink:
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!

Post Reply