a monkey could do that

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John G
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a monkey could do that

Post by John G » Tue Apr 01, 2014 9:23 am

Version Two (no major changed. just the removal of explicit monkey references - no added humour)

On Monday I went to work to find my boss had replaced by
a big hairy thing
with a leathery hand and a firm grip.

Our first departmental meeting was awkward,
what with his inability to talk and his desire to groom all of us.

When he wasn’t grooming us he just sat there
gesturing with long limbs to a series of colourful
soulless graphs.

Occasionally he would pick up a pen and chew it.

But as the days turned to weeks we all noticed not much had changed,
our hair was cleaner,
the vending machines had begun to sell fruit
and something in his eyes reassured us everything would be fine.

It would all be ok.
Last edited by John G on Tue Apr 01, 2014 7:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

Antcliff
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Re: a monkey could do that

Post by Antcliff » Tue Apr 01, 2014 9:43 am

Brilliant, John. :D What better proof that a monkey could do it?....and better.
The fruit line was great. As was the title and idea.

Do you need this?

"it was"


Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
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Ros
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Re: a monkey could do that

Post by Ros » Tue Apr 01, 2014 9:44 am

I like it!
I refer you to the Librarian in the Discworld books....

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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1lankest
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Re: a monkey could do that

Post by 1lankest » Tue Apr 01, 2014 10:31 am

I enjoyed this too, although not mad about the style. It is slightly short on poetry, for me - I'd have liked a little more to tingle the senses. It does achieve what it set out to, however, so my crit is merely one of taste. Cheers.

Luke

Nash

Re: a monkey could do that

Post by Nash » Tue Apr 01, 2014 11:49 am

Really good to see you back on here, John, I've missed reading your work.

Nothing to add by way of crits, it's a pleasure to read.

Nash.

penguin
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Re: a monkey could do that

Post by penguin » Tue Apr 01, 2014 5:10 pm

I found it short on poetry and humour, a bit predictable, really. Maybe it would be better if the orang-utan were only inferred rather than named. Maybe you could just call him Ginger.

John G
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Re: a monkey could do that

Post by John G » Tue Apr 01, 2014 7:14 pm

Antcliff and , thanks for the thumbs up. Appreciated as always.

Ros, given the feedback from Penguin, if I implied the monkey then the it was can be removed. And Penguin, yep, agreed, it would be better implied and sorry for the lack of humour! Also do you know who this is about? Only ask as the ginger reference is spot on. Strange...

1lankest, a small line between poetry and prose. I've been reading a lot of James Tate recently and really like his style. I guess this was my attempt at something along those lines.

and Nash, hello and thanks.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.

penguin
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Re: a monkey could do that

Post by penguin » Wed Apr 02, 2014 9:42 am

Didn't realise it was someone we might know. It'll be on my mind all day now. Rebekah Brooks. Danny Alexander. Andrew Motion. Neil Kinnock. I'll be back.

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Jackie
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Re: a monkey could do that

Post by Jackie » Thu Apr 03, 2014 12:20 pm

I find the effects of his presence in the office interesting, John. The concept, though, seems like too many children's animated cartoons I've seen, or picture books I've read.

In fact, I can see this as a political cartoon, if it's a particular person you're after. :?:

Jackie

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Re: a monkey could do that

Post by David » Fri Apr 04, 2014 4:45 pm

Very good to read you again, John. Enjoyed this a lot. (I've no idea who it might be either. I assumed a very local, real life reference.)
John G wrote:had replaced
... been!
John G wrote:a big hairy thing
Don't like that. Is that one of your changes? If, before, you simply said a gorilla - maybe in specific detail, e.g. an eastern lowland gorilla - I'd like that better.
John G wrote:what with his inability
That seems a bit clumsy, and stops the flow.
John G wrote:When he wasn’t grooming us he just sat there
gesturing with long limbs to a series of colourful
soulless graphs.
I love that! I actually laughed out loud, and that very rarely happens.

And I like the ending, but you only need one (perhaps cunningly combined) of your two last lines.

Cheers

David

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