Aviflora revised

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cynwulf
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Aviflora revised

Post by cynwulf » Sat Feb 21, 2015 10:08 pm

Revised version

Flowers on a winter tree:
stark branches fringed with rime,
Bullfinches preening.



Aviflora

Bullfinches settle
on stark branches edged in rime:
winter trees in bloom.
Last edited by cynwulf on Thu Feb 26, 2015 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ton321
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Re: Aviflora

Post by ton321 » Sun Feb 22, 2015 2:25 am

I like this image, of birds being the fruit of the winter tree. Very japanese, could be haiku maybe?
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

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Re: Aviflora

Post by Macavity » Sun Feb 22, 2015 11:25 am

Nice one C. Cherry trees?

all the best

mac

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Re: Aviflora

Post by cynwulf » Mon Feb 23, 2015 10:52 pm

Thank you both for commenting. Ton, yes it's a haiku, not a form I wd normally go for, but having seen the birds I felt I needed to record the experience, haiku seemed an appropriate way.
Good guess ,mac, 2 cherry trees and a crab apple.

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Re: Aviflora

Post by Macavity » Tue Feb 24, 2015 6:48 pm

It was the colour of the bullfinch that made my mind picture a cherry tree...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eurasian_bullfinch

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Re: Aviflora

Post by bodkin » Wed Feb 25, 2015 1:57 pm

Nice! I wonder if the last line is a little direct? e.g. this is your big reveal, but very directly stated...

(Other opinions may differ...)

Could you swap the first and last lines (possibly with some rephrasing) so that first you present the conundrum (trees flowering in winter) and then leave explaining it until the last line?

Trying to make a last line too much of an "oomph" can be a mistake, but in this case maybe?

Just a thought, otherwise very nice as it is.

Ian
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Re: Aviflora revised

Post by cynwulf » Thu Feb 26, 2015 2:58 pm

Ian,
Thank you for your suggestions. I think you're right about moving the lines-difficult sometimes to know exactly where the "haiku moment" should come. I've revised with some re-wording (and an extra syllable).
Regards, C.

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Re: Aviflora revised

Post by bodkin » Thu Feb 26, 2015 5:03 pm

I like it! But I may not be impartial, see what others say also :-)

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Re: Aviflora revised

Post by Ros » Thu Feb 26, 2015 5:15 pm

Yes, I think this works well now. Bullfinches are surprisingly bright. The colour, I mean - I'm not sure about their intelligence.

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Re: Aviflora revised

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Feb 26, 2015 7:29 pm

Hi Cyn

Haikus are difficult to crit' because the modern haiku does not necessarily stick to the 5,7,5, format IE 17 syllables, nor is it a requirement. Nevertheless you have incorporated many of the features associated with this form. You focus on nature and open with a phrase to set the scene. This is followed by another phrase which extends the scene. The Bullfinches are sublime as they perch and preen. Do you need the 'ing'? Drop it and you have 17 syllables. I much prefer the revision btw.

Best

JJ



cynwulf wrote:Revised version

Flowers on a winter tree:
stark branches fringed with rime,
Bullfinches preening.



Aviflora

Bullfinches settle
on stark branches edged in rime:
winter trees in bloom.
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Aviflora revised

Post by Ros » Thu Feb 26, 2015 7:35 pm

Ah, yes to losing the 'ing'. Great.

Ros
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Re: Aviflora revised

Post by Macavity » Thu Feb 26, 2015 8:51 pm

Like both versions C. Like the edit of fringed.

all the best

mac

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Re: Aviflora revised

Post by cynwulf » Tue Mar 03, 2015 12:36 pm

Thank you all for your comments, and for further suggestions, gratefully received. I feel though that the simple present makes too general a statement-the participle, I think, gives a more definite statement referring to the actual event as it happened. I wd be interested to see whether any others agree.
Best wishes, C.

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Re: Aviflora revised

Post by Macavity » Tue Mar 03, 2015 7:49 pm

the participle, I think, gives a more definite statement referring to the actual event as it happened.
Agreed

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