Snow in Alaska

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ton321
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Snow in Alaska

Post by ton321 » Wed Feb 25, 2015 11:06 pm

When the lakes freeze in Alaska
you can hear them creaking like doors
unoiled and unhinged by the cold.
All they are saying is this- Winter come soon,
give me your blanket of snow,
tuck me up to the chin, and tell me the stories of old.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

k-j
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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by k-j » Thu Feb 26, 2015 12:46 am

Wonderful! So simple and a brilliant ending. Sorry I can't offer you any suggestions!
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by Nash » Thu Feb 26, 2015 1:09 am

I agree with k-j, this is a beautiful piece.

I'd perhaps consider playing around with the layout a bit if it was mine, but that is a very, very minor crit and not altogether necessary.

Look forward to reading more from you.

Nash.

Oh, and welcome, by the way!

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by HenryBones » Thu Feb 26, 2015 8:55 am

Also thought this was a lovely poem, with some intricate, but delicate, sound patterning - 'lakes', 'Alaska' and 'creaking', for instance. One very minor quibble was the last half of the last line. I stumbled a little over 'tell me the stories of old', and wondered if something like 'bring me the stories of the days of old' might work better? Although that might make the line a little long and unwieldy?

But overall, a thoroughly enjoyable read.

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Feb 26, 2015 11:53 am

Hello, Ton, good to meet you

I concur with the previous commentators. I like the sounds attributed to the lake as it freezes and moves. It shows, quite clearly, that it's constantly shifting like a glacier. I enjoyed the descriptions and similes and love the sense of place you develop with your observations. This could be developed further if you brought it into first hand present tense. EG Only

'The lakes freeze in Alaska
they creak like doors
unoiled and unhinged by cold' ETC

Maybe 'cold' could be replaced by a front or well known icy wind etc. The lakes are freezing so it must be 'cold'. There is an opportunity here methinks.

Could you name a particular lake or lake district? Alaska is the largest U.S. state and I'm sure all the lakes freeze at some point, but by identifying a specific region you would further develop the sense of place.

I love the close. What a fantastic way to highlight the ancient geological activities of Alaska. The colonization by the flora and fauna (including man) and a myriad of secret stories are all implied. Tell me a story dad said the boy to his father. Ah yes, I remember it well.

Take or toss my suggestions as you see fit. Either way I enjoyed reading and thinking about your poem.

Best

JJ

ton321 wrote:When the lakes freeze in Alaska
you can hear them creaking like doors
unoiled and unhinged by the cold.
All they are saying is this- Winter come soon,
give me your blanket of snow,
tuck me up to the chin, and tell me the stories of old.
Long time a child and still a child

ton321
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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by ton321 » Thu Feb 26, 2015 5:19 pm

Thanks for the encouraging remarks everyone, they are much appreciated. One suggestion to put it the present tense is a good one, which makes it more immediate,
and maybe introduce more specific details of the locale. Thanks for taking the time to write your replies!
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by David » Thu Feb 26, 2015 7:07 pm

It's very neatly done, ton. Maybe just a little too folksy for me - and I'm a folksy kind of guy - but I like it too.

Cheers

David

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by Macavity » Thu Feb 26, 2015 9:01 pm

Like the simile. Not sure about Alaska in the title and the poem (the same could be said about snow). If unhinged, what does it matter about being oiled? I like the folksy saying.

all the best

mac

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by camus » Fri Feb 27, 2015 2:44 am

Yep, agreed, simply great.

My issue:

"Winter come soon"

Sounds a bit like a bad impression of an indigenous fellow?

And I agree with Mac re the title.

Kris
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by Elphin » Fri Feb 27, 2015 10:40 am

Appealing debut, sir or madam??

I think the old and cold rhyme hold this poem together but the last line could do with being shorter to make it a more solid rhyme, less distance between the words.

Folksy is ok in such a neat vignette.

My tuppence worth

elph

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by Paula » Fri Feb 27, 2015 10:41 am

I love the simplicity of this poem,yet it strikes a deep chord of connection in me...Very nicely done.

I am like the post above...Winter come soon, for some reason misses something around the rest of the poem..Minor to me all the same..:)

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by Antcliff » Fri Feb 27, 2015 12:55 pm

Hello Ton,
greetings.

I enjoyed this too. Warm..despite the cold theme. :D

Bit puzzled as to how the doors are creaking if they are unhinged..."unhinged" to me suggests that they are off their hinges, out of the frame. I may be muddled, I often am. Loose hinged? Or does "unhinged" only imply being a bit loose on the hinges?

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by Gbn » Fri Feb 27, 2015 5:16 pm

Succinct, elegant, smart, wry....I like this a lot.

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by Macavity » Fri Feb 27, 2015 6:00 pm


ton321
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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by ton321 » Sat Feb 28, 2015 11:43 pm

Thanks again for your suggestions and comments. Ive been writing "poetry" on and off for years, throwing it away the next day, starting again etc. The feedback is quite amazing, and humbling. I am still in a quandry what to do with this poem, as i have almost rebuilt it from the ground up. I will post a revision, soon, hopefully.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: Snow in Alaska

Post by KevJ » Sun Mar 01, 2015 10:55 am

I see that this has been given a hearty thumbs up by all. I very much enjoyed it too. Short and to the point. Right up my street.

Kev
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