Lonely Man

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Paula
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Lonely Man

Post by Paula » Fri Feb 27, 2015 10:56 am

Curtains drawn
His soul undressed
Exposed
Alone
in distress

Lonely man
Empty heart
Chambers closed
No inner spark

Fire starters
Come to me
Light me up
Set me free

Bring me out of this misery.


OoOoOoOoO

In the familiar comfort of his fathers chair
He allowed himself to submerge deeply
The worn out impressions
Carved a perfect fit around his frame

It was protective and safe in many ways
Wrapped around the indentations of another's life
Threads of old age fabric, weaving stories and impressions
Of one man's story
Now part of his own life chain

He could make claim if he wanted too
Although this would be a cold comfort, in many ways
Familiar and known, yet he knew it would never fill the void
Of so many empty promises, that this chair had lost long ago.

Loneliness and isolation had now carved itself
Into a steady stream of constant reminders, all in his fathers name
Fathers chair/his chair, now a living source of unkindled memories
Stories that never had a chance, to share and weave
Into the delicate tapestry of patterns intermingled
Creating a comforting place of rest.

As he settled down, immersed himself, deeper into his fathers form
He felt a cool breeze gently move across his chest, it was clear and soft
So very light and alive, it moved around, it merged inside
Like a butterfly tantalized by the scent of its own special flower
Fluttering its wings, honing in upon the core
This was his moment

He had been waiting for ..
Last edited by Paula on Fri Mar 06, 2015 4:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

Antcliff
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by Antcliff » Sat Feb 28, 2015 6:37 pm

Greetings Pauline

I enjoyed the sound of this...such as the closing couplet and distress/undressed.

My favourite was the third stanza...which might be an opener? Just a thought.

Some of the expressions feel a tad familiar...like "no inner spark"?

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

Paula
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by Paula » Sat Feb 28, 2015 9:33 pm

Ok thankyou I see what you mean by last stanza first, I will play around with it and see what comes.

What do you mean by tad familiar..Do you mean don't use old familiar terms, find some new symbolism in meaning to bring a more interesting impact?

Paula
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by Paula » Sat Feb 28, 2015 9:58 pm

Fire starter
Come to me
Light my fire
Set me free

Curtains drawn
His soul undressed
Exposed
Alone
in distress

The lonely man
Empty heart
Chambers closed
In his dark

His silent call
Speaks to me


Bring me out of this misery!

Antcliff
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Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: Lonely Man

Post by Antcliff » Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:02 pm

I suppose I was suggesting that the expression was, if not a cliche, then very familiar. I wonder if you think that a freshness to expression/comparison is something desirable if it can be introduced? Although it may be that you are playing a bit with the expression here....no "inner" spark, so the poem is calling for an outer one! So maybe it is important to the overall fire image. :D

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

ton321
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by ton321 » Sun Mar 01, 2015 12:09 am

I liked the sounds/rhymes of this poem, esp. undress, distress but maybe the rhyme scheme is a bit of a straightjacket. I get the feeling that there is more that could be said/expressed with a looser ryme scheme, and a longer stanza line.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Paula
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by Paula » Sun Mar 01, 2015 6:00 am

[quote="Antcliff"]I suppose I was suggesting that the expression was, if not a cliche, then very familiar. I wonder if you think that a freshness to expression/comparison is something desirable if it can be introduced? Although it may be that you are playing a bit with the expression here....no "inner" spark, so the poem is calling for an outer one! So maybe it is important to the overall fire image. :D

Seth[/quot
A question arose reading this.

Thankyou firstly.


How do you expand your vocabulary? I feel like I don't have enough in me and so yes I go on repeat with old familiar expressions..
How do you introduce this when you feel like your limited?

Paula
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by Paula » Sun Mar 01, 2015 6:01 am

ton321 wrote:I liked the sounds/rhymes of this poem, esp. undress, distress but maybe the rhyme scheme is a bit of a straightjacket. I get the feeling that there is more that could be said/expressed with a looser ryme scheme, and a longer stanza line.
Ok going to give this a go. Thankyou. Maybe without rhyme and see if that opens up my own ability to convey with freshness..

KevJ
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by KevJ » Sun Mar 01, 2015 10:44 am

Hi Paula

I enjoyed the rhymes and it flows very well. Think Seth has offered some sound advice that I can't add to myself.

Kev
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!

Paula
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by Paula » Sun Mar 01, 2015 11:18 am

I rewrote it...Dramatically lol..

In the familiar comfort of his fathers chair
He allowed himself to submerge deeply
The worn out impressions
Carved a perfect fit around his frame

It was protective and safe in many ways
Wrapped around the indentations of another's life
Threads of old age fabric, weaving stories and impressions
Of one man's story
Now part of his own life chain

He could make claim if he wanted too
Although this would be a cold comfort, in many ways
Familiar and known, yet he knew it would never fill the void
Of so many empty promises, that this chair had lost long ago.

Loneliness and isolation had now carved itself
Into a steady stream of constant reminders, all in his fathers name
Fathers chair/his chair, now a living source of unkindled memories
Stories that never had a chance, to share and weave
Into the delicate tapestry of patterns intermingled
Creating a comforting place of rest.

As he settled down, immersed himself, deeper into his fathers form
He felt a cool breeze gently move across his chest, it was clear and soft
So very light and alive, it moved around, it merged inside
Like a butterfly tantalized by the scent of its own special flower
Fluttering its wings, honing in upon the core
This was his moment

He had been waiting for ..

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Bee
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by Bee » Mon Mar 02, 2015 5:24 pm

Hi Paula

I think your first draft of this poem was my favourite, its short, simple and yet carries one hell of a punch to it. I think the loneliness and longing was expressed beautifully and the rhythm scheme was really enjoyable. I feel that the new poem is more of an entirely new poem, maybe a follow on, than it is a revision

Bee x
The only thing better than a cookie ... Is two cookies

ton321
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by ton321 » Tue Mar 03, 2015 12:18 am

I agree with the last reply that it is almost an entirely new poem. The idea of a chair moulded by use, into which other people might not sit easily, is a compelling image. Maybe concentrate on a couple of telling details about this chair, and let the rest speak for itself. Charles Simics Shoes is a good example of a poem seemingly about an ordinary household object, but expands outwards, almost to infinity.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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bodkin
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Re: Lonely Man

Post by bodkin » Wed Mar 04, 2015 10:02 pm

Hi Paula,

If you edit the first post you can put an edit above the original. Most posters are used to this approach and it makes new versions easy to find and compare to the original.

--

It seems you've gone from one extreme to the other here... e.g. from very terse to very verbose. Maybe strive for something in the middle? Try cutting the verbose one down by considering each word or phrase and aggressively applying a "do I need this" rule.

--

To comment on the new version directly. You've got a lot of statements that "tell" rather than "showing" and some of them are quite abstract. e.g.

"Loneliness and isolation had now carved itself
Into a steady stream of constant reminders..."

This is a statement about the character, rather than a description of him (a bit better) or demonstration of his nature (best).

e.g. this statement is "telling" because it is the sort of statement that only some other character could make. So somebody (the narrator) has to be saying this to us, rather than us experiencing it ourselves.

Also, if you take the whole sentence/strophe, the subject matter is rather abstract. You are talking about memory, story and pattern (all abstractions). You do have the chair and the father and the tapestry all present, and those could be concrete things, but at the moment are not because they are not very much described (e.g. "a father" is abstract, "may father, polishing his spectacles on his waistcoat and talking absent mindedly about carrot fly" is concrete).

So, to come to how to do it:
- Try to find objects/characters/events and describe the specifics of them so that they become real to the reader.
- And pick what those objects/characters/events are, and what details of them you highlight, so as to illustrate the point you are making.

Sometimes asking yourself a long list of questions about one item helps, the chair:
- old?
- smells?
- has needed maintenance over the years?
- was in a different place in his father's day?
- faded?
- comforting?
- how does it fit with the other furniture?
- antimacassars?
- armchair? anything down the sides of the cushions?
- etc etc

Hope this is useful,

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

Paula
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:44 am

Re: Lonely Man

Post by Paula » Fri Mar 06, 2015 4:00 am

Bee wrote:Hi Paula

I think your first draft of this poem was my favourite, its short, simple and yet carries one hell of a punch to it. I think the loneliness and longing was expressed beautifully and the rhythm scheme was really enjoyable. I feel that the new poem is more of an entirely new poem, maybe a follow on, than it is a revision

Bee x
Thanks yes I agree, this one arose kind of separately to the first, but then perhaps the whole in this picture forming through my intuitive flow is creating a greater connection that might allow me to merge it all as one..

Paula
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:44 am

Re: Lonely Man

Post by Paula » Fri Mar 06, 2015 4:02 am

ton321 wrote:I agree with the last reply that it is almost an entirely new poem. The idea of a chair moulded by use, into which other people might not sit easily, is a compelling image. Maybe concentrate on a couple of telling details about this chair, and let the rest speak for itself. Charles Simics Shoes is a good example of a poem seemingly about an ordinary household object, but expands outwards, almost to infinity.
Thankyou also for you comments. I shall take on board what you have shared..

Paula
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:44 am

Re: Lonely Man

Post by Paula » Fri Mar 06, 2015 4:06 am

bodkin wrote:Hi Paula,
If you edit the first post you can put an edit above the original. Most posters are used to this approach and it makes new versions easy to find and compare to the original.
ok thankyou..

--
It seems you've gone from one extreme to the other here... e.g. from very terse to very verbose. Maybe strive for something in the middle? Try cutting the verbose one down by considering each word or phrase and aggressively applying a "do I need this" rule.
Yes I have. I think it was kind of opening up in me to expand my writing at that point, creating a new poem following on rather than inclusive of the first..will look at this advice thanks.

--
To comment on the new version directly. You've got a lot of statements that "tell" rather than "showing" and some of them are quite abstract. e.g.

"Loneliness and isolation had now carved itself
Into a steady stream of constant reminders..."

This is a statement about the character, rather than a description of him (a bit better) or demonstration of his nature (best).

e.g. this statement is "telling" because it is the sort of statement that only some other character could make. So somebody (the narrator) has to be saying this to us, rather than us experiencing it ourselves.

Also, if you take the whole sentence/strophe, the subject matter is rather abstract. You are talking about memory, story and pattern (all abstractions). You do have the chair and the father and the tapestry all present, and those could be concrete things, but at the moment are not because they are not very much described (e.g. "a father" is abstract, "may father, polishing his spectacles on his waistcoat and talking absent mindedly about carrot fly" is concrete).

So, to come to how to do it:
- Try to find objects/characters/events and describe the specifics of them so that they become real to the reader.
- And pick what those objects/characters/events are, and what details of them you highlight, so as to illustrate the point you are making.

Sometimes asking yourself a long list of questions about one item helps, the chair:
- old?
- smells?
- has needed maintenance over the years?
- was in a different place in his father's day?
- faded?
- comforting?
- how does it fit with the other furniture?
- antimacassars?
- armchair? anything down the sides of the cushions?
- etc etc

Hope this is useful,

Ian
You have given me a lot of food for thought. I will break it down and take a closer look at this advice through my writing thankyou.

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