Wage-Slip

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ton321
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Wage-Slip

Post by ton321 » Thu Mar 05, 2015 12:46 am

revision

Folded grease-proof paper payslip,
heavy with silver and copper nuggets-
a week of work for watermarked paper,
with the Queens head and a serial number;

thumbed, signed sealed, sales
were quiet that week, whats worse
I licked my finger and spent the first
on some out of touch pockmarked verse.

original
Folded greaseproof paper payslip,
heavy with silver and copper nuggets-
a week of work for watermarked paper,
with the Queens head and a serial number;
Last edited by ton321 on Tue Nov 13, 2018 2:45 am, edited 6 times in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: Exchange of labour

Post by Ros » Thu Mar 05, 2015 9:26 am

Hi ton,

Not sure I'm quite getting this. The first 2 verses are clear enough, but it sounds like a standard money collection/delivery. Not sure how that moves to pinned down, lock down, or why the molotov comes in (which implies preparation in advance). I like the return to the money at the end, but again, I'm not sure what point you're making about it not mattering which way the money spins. At the moment it reads as if the siren lands, but I'm assuming you want to get back to the money.

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Re: Exchange of labour

Post by bodkin » Thu Mar 05, 2015 12:38 pm

Is it maybe a wages heist? (Weirdly my spell checker doesn't have "heist" and suggests "theist" :-) )

Although the molotov doesn't fit then? Maybe an anti-capitalist riot? But then who is the narrator, watcher or participant? And is it his pay packet?

Promising start here, but could perhaps do with some more focus to make the situation and point clearer...

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Re: Exchange of labour

Post by ray miller » Thu Mar 05, 2015 1:46 pm

I presume the ending indicates a no-win situation, though I'm not sure who's in it. I thought the point being made is that the same kind of lackeys who transport the gold, are also required to maintain control over those who protest at vast accumulations of wealth - but then I would think that.
I think it's pretty well done, especially the first verse

driven by men wearing motorbike helmets,
sporting dark coloured jumpers, mostly in khaki - I thought the lines got a bit long here. I'd suggest

driven by men in motorbike helmets,
dark coloured jumpers, mostly khaki. - Do they wear khaki? I'll have to pay more attention.

kettling, crowd control, molotov, end of. - would have been a nice place to end.
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I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Exchange of labour

Post by Macavity » Thu Mar 05, 2015 3:05 pm

kettling, crowd control, molotov, end of. - would have been a nice place to end.
I'd agree with that, decisive, but then I don't get the last three fragmentary lines. The build-up hooked me though.

all the best

mac

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Re: Exchange of labour

Post by KevJ » Thu Mar 05, 2015 5:18 pm

I think you may have edited this and removed the original. I always think it's best to leave in the original to give a sense of the evolution of the piece.

I must admit I am not sure where this one is going or what exactly you're trying to say. But it did remind me of the time when I used to receive a real pay packet with real money inside. Those were the days!!! :D
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!

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Re: Exchange of labour

Post by Arian » Thu Mar 05, 2015 7:05 pm

ton321 wrote:Folded greaseproof paper payslip,
heavy with silver and copper nuggets-
a week of work for watermarked paper,
with the Queens head and a serial number;
Is this the whole thing? Or has something gone wrong, somewhere?
Cheers
peter

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Re: Exchange of labour

Post by Macavity » Thu Mar 05, 2015 7:39 pm

Most of the poem has disappeared?

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Re: Exchange of labour

Post by David » Thu Mar 05, 2015 7:49 pm

KevJ wrote:I think you may have edited this and removed the original. I always think it's best to leave in the original to give a sense of the evolution of the piece.
Me too.

I almost think it could be about counterfeiting now.

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Re: Exchange of labour

Post by ton321 » Fri Mar 06, 2015 3:53 pm

Sorry guys, decided to abandon the poem until I can think of what to do with it!
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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