Over the Radar

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ton321
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Over the Radar

Post by ton321 » Wed Mar 11, 2015 12:46 am

You are half asleep when
the plane begins to stumble uphill-
the shelves of wind are breaking up.

We are at the airs deepest point.
I hold your hand and it stirs, relaxes.
Nothing can save us from ourselves

not drink or sleeping pills
or even the hand in hand
on a long haul flight.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Firebird
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Re: Over the Radar

Post by Firebird » Wed Mar 11, 2015 7:46 am

I really like the first stanza and 'stumbling uphill' and 'shelves of wind are breaking up'. I also like in the second stanza 'airs deepest point'. However, I think the final stanza somehow needs to do more. It seems to much of an extrapolation of the final line of the second stanza. Maybe something like 'I've tried sleeping pills and ... But nothing can save me from myself' might work better. Only a suggestion though.

Hope this helps a little.

Cheers,

Firebird

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bodkin
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Re: Over the Radar

Post by bodkin » Wed Mar 11, 2015 9:22 am

Hi,

Pretty much agreeing with Firebird, the last strophe is trying to give us some strong image of this couple, and it is nicely done with images rather than direct statement. However I don't know quite enough about what kind of "saving" is required. As is often the case when the reader just looks blank, it may be only the tiniest bit of additional information that is required, like a hint of aeroplane-phobia or marital break-up... but without that hint the situation is too broadly interpretable and I can't get a grip in the intent.

Promising piece, however.

I think you want "air's"...

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Over the Radar

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Mar 13, 2015 8:01 am

Hi Ton

First off I must say I admired the title, it immediately caught my attention. I was expecting an air traffic control poem but wasn't disappointed by your brief description of the fear that many people endure when their plane leaves the ground. There's no goin' back now, aaaargh!!! This poem hits the mark imo. On a personal note I tend to adopt a pragmatic approach and simply go with the flow.

S1 Good opening nothing to suggest.

ton321 wrote:You are half asleep when
the plane begins to stumble uphill-
the shelves of wind are breaking up.

S2 I don't know what the 'air's deepest point' is. Down to my ignorance I suspect. Do you need an apostrophe in airs?

We are at the airs deepest point.
I hold your hand and it stirs, relaxes.
Nothing can save us from ourselves

S3 Could add some more imagery here. Eg substitute 'drink' for gin, vodka, wine etc. Same goes for the pills... name a brand EG mogadon

not drink or sleeping pills
or even the hand in hand ....... maybe 'your hand in mine on this long haul marathon.' or some such thing. S2 has already identified the 'plane' so 'flight' is redundant.
on a long haul flight.
Hope this helps.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Over the Radar

Post by Arian » Fri Mar 13, 2015 7:29 pm

I like this a lot. Original expression (love the stumbling uphill bit!) and tight phrasing adding up to a nicely made point. Very good.

nit - you probably should have air's at l4.

Cheers
Peter

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Re: Over the Radar

Post by Katherine » Fri Apr 03, 2015 10:27 am

The fear of flying, well-expressed.
But, the partner seems fairly blase about the whole thing, if he or she is already half-asleep and their hand's relaxed.
So, perhaps it ought to be "Nothing can save me from myself"?

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