Battle of the Bulge.

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Katherine
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Battle of the Bulge.

Post by Katherine » Sun Apr 19, 2015 9:06 pm

You know you're irresistible to all:
For men, a golden temptress beckoning
Or, in your crinkle-crusted serpent's thrall
Women forget the day of reckoning.
When satiated, they discover shame
They vow to forego your 'syns', evermore.
'Til, Sirens call your Melton Mowbray name;
Then, weak-willed men steer to your rocky shore.
But, I will not return, I will resist.
I know all the calories you contain,
I will not have another rueful tryst;
On supermarket shelves you will remain.

For all my heart-felt yearning to be free,
I know I lie for you lie within me!
Last edited by Katherine on Sun Apr 26, 2015 1:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.

nar
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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by nar » Sun Apr 19, 2015 10:44 pm

Mustard or Brown Sauce, Katherine?

This is a smart and fun sonnet. Your rhyme and rhythm work well, and the language is cleverly chosen. It reads lightly (kinda skips along), which isn't always the case for me with this form.

And... a good ending. Important, this is.

I'm looking for nits, but finding a clean plate.

Kudos...

:)

Neil...
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)

ray miller
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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by ray miller » Mon Apr 20, 2015 2:32 pm

Very good. Nice rhyme and metre. I don't understand "syns".

I will not have another rueful tryst
On supermarket shelves you will remain. - nice lines, I think you need a semicolon after tryst.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Katherine
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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by Katherine » Mon Apr 20, 2015 4:55 pm

Thanks very much Neil, salad cream is my favourite with pork pie. or, piccalilli.

Thank-you too Ray, I'll give that a swift change.

At 'Slimming World' controlled portions of higher calorie, less filling foods are included, such as crisps, wine, chocolate and sauces.
In Food Optimising these are called "Syns". Most adults have a daily "Syn allowance" of between 5 and 15 "syns".

Cheers. x

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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by Arian » Mon Apr 20, 2015 6:44 pm

ray miller wrote:I don't understand "syns".
Nor did I, until you explained. Interesting.

But I agree with Neil and Ray about its general quality - nice idea, well executed. And raised a smile.

One nit - this line

I know I lie for, you lie within me!

would be better as

I know I lie, for you lie within me!

Or even lose the comma altogether.

Cheers
peter

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Apr 20, 2015 9:40 pm

Hi Katherine,

You've written an amusing Shakespearean sonnet about dieting and the WICKED temptations
of the Melton Mowbray Pie. (love 'em) HP sauce for me. :) The day of reckoning and syns/sins is clever as is that devil snake. SHAME on you, buy a small one.
A very good friend of mine blames pork pies for his unusual wardrobe.

I've included a scansion to see if you agree with my eye and ear.

You KNOW/ you're IRR/esIST/iBLE/ to ALL:/ 5 iambs
For MEN,/ a GOLD/en TEMPT/ress BECK/oning/ 4 iambs followed by two unstressed syllables. I can't find a stress. Don't like stressing 'ing'. Does it matter?
or IN/ your CRINK/le-CRUST/ed SERP/ent's THRALL/ 5 iambs
WOmen/ forGET/ the DAY/of RECK/oning./ Troche, 3 iambs, 2 unstressed syllables in the fifth foot. There is a consistency with L2.
When SA/tiAT/ed, THEY/ disCOV/er SHAME/ 5 iambs
They VOW/ to foreGO/ your 'SYNS'/, EVer/MORE/...I tripped a bit here ...perhaps EG only...They VOW/ to WAIVE/ your SYNS/ for EV/erMORE/ 5 iambs
'Til, SIR/ens CALL/ your MEL/ton MOW/bray NAME;/ 5 iambs
Then, WEAK/-willed MEN/ steer TO/ your ROCK/y SHORE./ 5 iambs
But, I/ will NOT/ reTURN/, I WILL/ reSIST./ 5 iambs
I KNOW/ all the CAL/ories YOU/ conTAIN/,... Hmm, you've chucked in some triple meter. I count four stresses and the meter jumps. If you elide calories ( most people would skip the extra syllable) EG only. I KNOW/ of ALL/ the CAL/ories YOU/ conTAIN/ 5 feet, 5 stresses, 4 iambs with an anapestic fourth foot. I think it's smoother. See what you think.
I WILL/ not HAVE/ anOTH/er RUE/ful TRYST;/ 5 iambs
On SUP/er MARK/et SHELVES/ you WILL/ reMAIN./ 5 iambs

For ALL/ my HEART/-felt YEARN/ing TO/ be FREE,/ 5 iambs
I KNOW/ I LIE/ for, YOU/ LIE with/IN ME!/ 3 iambs, 1 troche, 1 spondee. Comma after 'lie' or 'for' ?

I see an IAMB as one unstressed syll followed by a stressed one. She SAID/push OFF
TROCHE as stressed/unstressed. RUGGer/ PLUGGger
ANAPEST as two unstressed syllables followed by one stressed. I SAW/ sevenTEEN/
SPONDEE two stressed syllables. I SAID/ GET OFF/


Well, that's my scan. Others/you may disagree, of course, but that's how I read it.

Really enjoyed this Katherine but now you have me looking at my expanding belly. OK I'm off for a chilli.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

KevJ
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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by KevJ » Fri Apr 24, 2015 6:41 pm

A fine sonnet to the pork pie I think. Nice rhyme and meter. And it seems we've all learned something about "Syns" always good to learn something new.

All the best Kev
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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by ton321 » Sat Apr 25, 2015 1:00 am

Never has the pork pie been so dignified. Shame about the pig, though!
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Katherine
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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by Katherine » Sun Apr 26, 2015 1:36 pm

Peter, I think you're right; I've got rid of that comma.
Thanks Kev and Ton for your responses.

Thanks once again for your rigorous response JJ. I'm a bit worried about the 'within me' bit because, I was aiming for perfect iambic pentameter with the last two lines and I see that I haven't quite got it. I'll have to work on that.

I thought - and I'm possibly wrong - that Shakespearean sonnets needed 10 beats to each line and the correct rhyming scheme but, it was only in the last two lines that perfect iambic pentameter was 'compulsory'. Is that not right?

Anyway, thanks once again everyone. I haven't been here for a while because I've been full of busy; please don't think I'm being churlish. x

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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Apr 26, 2015 5:10 pm

"Thanks once again for your rigorous response JJ. I'm a bit worried about the 'within me' bit because, I was aiming for perfect iambic pentameter with the last two lines and I see that I haven't quite got it. I'll have to work on that.

I thought - and I'm possibly wrong - that Shakespearean sonnets needed 10 beats to each line and the correct rhyming scheme but, it was only in the last two lines that perfect iambic pentameter was 'compulsory'. Is that not right? x"

Hi, Katherine

The Shakespearean or English Sonnet is predominantly written in iambic pentameter IE 10 syllables per line with 5 stresses,
ba BOOM/ba BOOM/ba BOOM/ba BOOM/ba BOOM. Iambic substitutions can be used for various reasons and are more than acceptable
alternatives to traditional iambic rhythm. Some of the commonly used substitutions (as mentioned in my crit') have been around for centuries.
However, if it is clear that the writer is using IP, the substitutions shouldn't exceed the number of iambs per line. You have done this with aplomb.
Incidentally 10 syllables or beats per line doesn't necessarily guarantee the presence of IP. You have a couple of hiccoughs only and they are easily remedied.
Bear in mind that your pronunciation or how you stress certain words could differ from mine so ultimately you will/should have the final say.

Traditionally this form has 3 quatrains and a closing couplet making 14 lines. Each quatrain should present a problem/observation/situation that develops
from the first quatrain with the premise/theme progressing as it moves towards the closing couplet. The couplet summarizes or resolves the problem posed by the preceding quatrains. Battle of the Bulge fits the bill very nicely.

The rhyme scheme is abab cdcd efef gg and you have followed this scheme to the letter. :) (sorry if that seemed trite)

Closing couplets invariably rhyme and usually have the same meter, but not always. I personally have no problem with an iambic substitution
in the close of an English Sonnet if the flow seems easy enough. You build to a resounding climactic close and the spondee, which is
suitable for any foot, seemed like an apt choice to me. Others may well disagree.

Keep off those pies :)

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by Firebird » Sun Apr 26, 2015 8:27 pm

This was an entertaining read. I'm not great on meter, but it reads well for me.

Thanks for the humour.

Best wishes,

Firebird

Mark101
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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by Mark101 » Mon Apr 27, 2015 6:49 pm

Oh my my my my my

Hi Katherine,

You naughty girl, reminding me of one of life's great pleasures that I had all but forgotten. Now I can almost taste the egg lacquered pastry, crumbling to reveal the pink delight within. Living in Spain now for 4 and a bit years, I would KILL for a Melton Mowbray.

I did trip a time or two on the meter, but otherwise I enjoyed it very much. Shame the same cannot now be said for the a Melton Mowbray :(

Mark

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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by bodkin » Tue Apr 28, 2015 2:21 pm

Just adding my applause to that that's gone before!
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

Katherine
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Re: Battle of the Bulge.

Post by Katherine » Wed Apr 29, 2015 4:05 pm

Cheers Firebird, Mark and Bodkin. x

Thanks again JJ. I really appreciate the feedback. I can't keep off the pies, they're just too mmmmmmmm! x

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