The Apple-Trees

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ton321
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The Apple-Trees

Post by ton321 » Fri Jul 29, 2016 11:47 pm

revision 1

All the silent November nights, full of rain,
the freezing days of ice and thaw,
keeping your head down, tucked
up to the chin with snow.


A silent parallel world
knuckled down to the task,
like a weather-beaten postman,
who delivers his letters

come rain or shine, good news
or bad, in the red or
in the black.





Original
There were some apple-trees, somewhere
on the right, you said, that you used to eat
thirty years ago at least, and blackberries.
I changed down a gear, the gravel span under my wheels.

There, you said, pointing at the trees-
tangled, disused-looking, but still there,
budding baby apples(it was July), come
September, as big as a fist, or bigger,
the low hanging fruit
waiting, ready or not.

All the silent November nights, full of rain,
the freezing days of ice and thaw,
keeping your head down, tucked
up to the chin with snow.


A silent parallel world
knuckled down to the task,
like a weather-beaten postman,
who delivers his letters once a year,
come rain or shine-
if you don't open them
then the worms will.
Last edited by ton321 on Sun Aug 07, 2016 12:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Macavity
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Re: The Apple-Trees

Post by Macavity » Sat Jul 30, 2016 3:38 am

Some thoughts...
ton321 wrote:There were some apple-trees, somewhere
on the right, you said, that you used to eat
thirty years ago at least, and blackberries.
I changed gear, the gravel span under my wheels.........................................just a thought to tighten the line. Like the nostalgia feel of the opening.

There, you said, pointing at the trees-
tangled, disused-looking, but still there:..................................colon to list and cut down on the comma
[s]budding[/s] baby apples(it was July); come..........................cut down on the adjectives, the parenthesis looks awkward?
September, as big as a fist, or bigger,........................................the simile too familiar?
the low hanging fruit
waiting, ready or not.

All the silent November nights, full of rain,
the freezing days of ice and thaw,
keeping your head down, tucked
up to the chin with snow.

A silent parallel world
knuckled down to the task,
like a weather-beaten postman,
who delivers his letters once a year,
come rain or shine-
if you don't open them
then the worms will.
The final strophe is an addition...maybe you want to connect wormy apples, but the first two strophes could be the poem.

best

mac

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Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: The Apple-Trees

Post by Antcliff » Sat Jul 30, 2016 4:16 pm

Greetings, ton

The last stanza made this for me...with the nice postman comparison. :D

I suspect this line might go without loss?...
I changed down a gear, the gravel span under my wheels.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: The Apple-Trees

Post by David » Sat Jul 30, 2016 4:32 pm

Antcliff wrote:The last stanza made this for me...with the nice postman comparison.
Me too, ton, but I really like the preceding one as well. I'm not too fond of the first two, but I can see - I think I can see - that you need some sort of introduction to your current stanzas 3-4, so perhaps an abbreviated combination of 1 & 2 would do the job.

3 & 4 are great, I think.

Cheers

David

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Re: The Apple-Trees

Post by Macavity » Sat Jul 30, 2016 5:46 pm

Yes I can see the merit of S3 and S4, but perhaps in another poem.

best

mac

trobbo44
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Re: The Apple-Trees

Post by trobbo44 » Mon Aug 01, 2016 6:26 pm

Hi Ton321, where to begin. Very confused writing style for this one buddy. I'm afraid I struggled with it throughout. Probably just me. I couldn't begin to give advice, because I think it needs a lot of work on each stanza. And then the whole piece needs bringing together coherently. Maybe next time

ton321
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Re: The Apple-Trees

Post by ton321 » Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:26 pm

Thanks for the replies,

Mac, I can see how maybe they're two separate poems, glad you liked the postman comparison, Ant! David, glad you like the last two stanzas! Sorry Trobbo if it wasn't clear what i was going on about! It needs more work obviously.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: The Apple-Trees

Post by trobbo44 » Fri Aug 05, 2016 9:30 am

I agree wholeheartedly with Antcliff. I like the line "tucked up to the chin with snow" cracking line. For me there are almost two segments to this poem. The last couple of stanzas make this poem, undoubtdley. And you've put an extra space inbetween the last two stanzas Regards

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Re: The Apple-Trees

Post by Boat » Fri Aug 05, 2016 2:11 pm

Hello, Ton.

Have to agree with the others. Two parts to this poem, the latter being the better by far. Same bits sit up for me as for the other commenters.
Snowy chin and the postman delivering his apples, lol.

Regards.

Pat.
What the hell do I know about poetry?

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Re: The Apple-Trees

Post by bodkin » Sun Aug 07, 2016 9:41 am

Hi ton,
ton321 wrote:revision 1

All the silent November nights, full of rain,
the freezing days of ice and thaw,
keeping your head down, tucked
up to the chin with snow. I am assuming it is the trees doing all of this..? I wonder where in the world this is? In my locality apple trees will hardly ever get buried to their _chins_ in snow...? Usually ankles, sometimes knees? OTOH if you are setting this somewhere with far harder winters...


A silent parallel world Parallel to what? Summer I am guessing but it isn't totally clear...
knuckled down to the task,
like a weather-beaten postman,
who delivers his letters

come rain or shine, good news
or bad, in the red or
in the black. I like the image of the postman, but I am struggling a bit to see in what way a tree is like him...? Unless you are thinking of the "delivery" of the apples? If so you may need to set up the analogy a little more...
I liked this. There's something appealing about it but I think it just lacks that touch of utter clarity that would give us _precisely_ the thought you want to convey.

Very promising, however,

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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