Knowing The Secret Of You (2nd Edit)

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trobbo44
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Knowing The Secret Of You (2nd Edit)

Post by trobbo44 » Sun Jul 31, 2016 9:14 pm

2nd Edit

I inhale, my chest full of you, and relax
into knowing the secret of you.

My lips are kissed by your soul
and my want, embraced by your thighs.
I see your colours, and taste
the reason that you are.

You smell of memories as I
turn back the clock to learn
you all over again.

And the gossamer threads of your hair keep
me safely wrapped about your bosom
while I suckle at the honey dew
that blankets your skin.

You share all that you are, and more than
your sum with me. You are my orchestra
for sound and my eyes for seeing.

You write my story day and night.
But, most of all, you never let me
caress empty pockets of time
alone.




1st Edit


I inhale, my chest full of you, and relax
into knowing the secret of you.

My lips are kissed by your soul
and my want, embraced by your thighs.
I see your colours, and taste
the reason that you are.

You smell of memories as I nestle
into your womb and turn back
the clock to learn you all over
again.

And the gossamer threads of your hair keep
me safely wrapped about your bosom
while I suckle at the honey dew
that blankets your skin.

You share all that you are, and more than
your sum with me. You are my orchestra
for sound and my eyes for seeing.

You write my story day and night.
But, most of all, you never let me
caress empty pockets of time
alone.





Original


I inhale, my chest full of you, and relax
into knowing the secret of you.

My lips are kissed by your soul
and my want, embraced by your thighs.
I see your colours, and taste
the reason that you are.

You smell of memories as I nestle
into your womb and turn back
the clock to learn you all over
again.

And the gossamer threads of your hair keep
me safely wrapped about your bosom
while I suckle at the honey dew
that blankets your skin.

You share all that you are, and more than
your sum with me. You are my orchestra
of sound and my eyes for seeing.

You write my story day and night.
But, most of all, you never let me
caress empty pockets of time
alone.
Last edited by trobbo44 on Thu Aug 04, 2016 8:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Knowing The Secret Of You (1st Edit)

Post by trobbo44 » Tue Aug 02, 2016 11:07 am

The edit is stanza 5 Line 1 'for' instead of 'of'. Small change, but big difference I feel

ton321
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Re: Knowing The Secret Of You (1st Edit)

Post by ton321 » Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:16 pm

Hi trobbo,
theres some bits that i liked -

You smell of memories as I nestle
into your womb and turn back
the clock to learn you all over
again.

what about

Your smell, of memories,
as i i turn back the clock
and learn you all over again

I dont think i like 'womblike'.
Cheers, Ton.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

trobbo44
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Re: Knowing The Secret Of You (1st Edit)

Post by trobbo44 » Thu Aug 04, 2016 8:19 am

Ton321, I agree with you, I'll change it. Regards

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Luce
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Re: Knowing The Secret Of You (2nd Edit)

Post by Luce » Thu Aug 04, 2016 3:45 pm

trobbo

I'm glad you're beginning to post revisions of the poems you submit now. Posting revisions help to further enhance and define your writing.

Okay, to your poem. WOW a love poem, trobbo style. It is pretty intense. A little too intense for me. I noticed that you use the sense of taste and smell a lot. This gives the uneasy feeling that the N is practically consuming the love object. Scary. The reader doesn't have a physical description of her really except that she has gossamer type hair which is not an appealing image.

Gossamer means something that is super fair and delicate, like a spider's web, a filament. This gives me a picture of someone with super stringy brittle hair. With this in mind, you may want to use another image. The hair can be super soft and fine but use another image please.

As always, it is mainly OTT and that's not a compliment. However, I do like these lines:


You are my orchestra....

you never let me
caress empty pockets of time
alone.


I like these lines because the language points to a deep sense of love and not possession of the love object. I would put "bear" as oppose to "caress" since empty pockets of time doesn't seem to be a pleasant thing for the N.

Luce



[quote="trobbo44"]2nd Edit

I inhale, my chest full of you, and relax
into knowing the secret of you.

My lips are kissed by your soul
and my want, embraced by your thighs.
I see your colours, and taste
the reason that you are.

You smell of memories as I
turn back the clock to learn
you all over again.

And the gossamer threads of your hair keep
me safely wrapped about your bosom
while I suckle at the honey dew
that blankets your skin.

You share all that you are, and more than
your sum with me. You are my orchestra
for sound and my seeing.eyes for

You write my story day and night.
But, most of all, you never let me
caress empty pockets of time
alone.
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

trobbo44
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Re: Knowing The Secret Of You (2nd Edit)

Post by trobbo44 » Thu Aug 04, 2016 3:53 pm

Hi Luce,

Thanks for your comments. The ethereal feel of the poem is a love lost and dead, a fading memory of love. Hope that helps. What can I say, I'm an ott person regards

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