Bunny Girl

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Lou
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Bunny Girl

Post by Lou » Tue Aug 02, 2016 10:20 am

The girl next door— not like a girl next door—
asks if I’ll lend her Sam, my blue angora
(phone-pix cuddles so her latest trick
can see how wonderful Amanda is).
Oh, here’s the mobile, would I mind?

No, I don’t mind. I lift Sam from his hutch
and place him in Amanda’s arms. She does
look very cute. With winning grin, plum lipstick
plastered over Sammy’s head, you’d think
this girl was loving, kind and sweet.

You would be wrong. She lets my rabbit fall
without a thank you; spiteful girl, so cool
you can’t but help admire the way she mends
a defect in her character, invents
a different person from who she is.

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and dream
of being married to Amanda Reece.
Horrifying fantasy: why, she
would treat me worse than a rabbit (I saw her squeeze
Sam’s balls when she thought I wasn’t looking).
Last edited by Lou on Sat Aug 13, 2016 4:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Aug 02, 2016 11:02 am

Hi, Lou

A very entertaining read, quite irresistible actually.

The horrific Amanda fascinates the speaker nonetheless, perhaps enchanted by her physical prowess
and attractiveness. However, be careful what you wish for! :)

I've read this a few times and believe you could drop S3. Perhaps add the "fall" image to the "balls" strophe.
Looked good to me as it left the reader with an impression from which they could extrapolate. S3 gave the game away.

Enjoyed

Best

JJ

PS

Something like this:

EG Only

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and dream
of being married to Amanda Reece.
Horrifying fantasy: why she would treat me worse
than a rabbit (I saw her squeeze Sam’s balls
before dropping him, when she thought I wasn’t looking).

J

PPS

The allusion to Fatal Attraction didn't go unnoticed. :o
Long time a child and still a child

trobbo44
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by trobbo44 » Tue Aug 02, 2016 1:14 pm

I don't get the bit in brackets 1st S. And, I disagree with JJ, S3 makes the whole poem for me. S3 reacts to where you've been and sets out where you're going. Not sure if I liked it, then I'm sure I liked it. Read it a few times now

Lou
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by Lou » Wed Aug 03, 2016 6:46 am

Thanks JJ,

I could, as you say, possibly lose S3 but your solution messes up the half-rhyme couplets I have for the first four lines of each stanza. I wasn't thinking of 'Fatal Attraction' - it's years since I watched it - but the subconscious forgets nothing.

Best,
Lou

Thanks Trobbo,

The brackets refer to Amanda's scheme to photograph herself looking cute with the N's rabbit to make her new boyfriend think she has a sweet personality. I agree with you about S3!

Best,
Lou

ray miller
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by ray miller » Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:37 am

Good poem. I'd only noticed the 3rd and 4th line rhymes. I'd put a full stop after thank you and I think you need a comma after why in the last stanza.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Lou
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by Lou » Wed Aug 03, 2016 9:27 am

Thanks Ray,

'Without a thank you; spiteful girl' is, I feel part of the same phrase, but I'll think about it. Comma after 'why' in S4,L3 is spot on, thanks.

Best,
Lou

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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by Macavity » Thu Aug 04, 2016 2:53 am

Enjoyed Lou. The tale of this girl next door draws the reader along to the final eye-watering image. Nicely paced to the reveal. Possible nit-crit considerations: a winning grin; masochistic fantasy - for more twist; much difference between loving/kind?

all the best

mac

Lou
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by Lou » Thu Aug 04, 2016 6:43 am

Thanks Mac,

Yes, I'm not fond of 'winning'; other options I tried were 'cheesy' 'silly', 'soppy,' 'toothy' - which all seemed over-used adjectives; I'll think some more. 'Masochistic fantasy' could introduce a sexual element which I didn't intend - my N. doesn't lust after the girl, he finds her unwholesome and repellent. I think there is a difference between 'loving' and 'kind', but I agree that 'loving', 'kind' and 'sweet' are all a bit similar.

Best,
Lou

Moth
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by Moth » Sat Aug 06, 2016 12:55 am

I like this. But the puce lipstick - though I know what colour you mean - just jumped out as totally wrong - sounds too much like puke. Something like star-spark grin, damask lipstick might work to convey the sense of beauty as seen in the evening sky which also ties in with night coming in at the end..?
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.

Lou
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by Lou » Sat Aug 06, 2016 7:37 am

Thanks Moth,

I see what you mean, I used puce to make Amanda seem a bit punky but I don't think it's necessary. In my first draft her lipstick was pink which is probably good enough.

Best,
Lou

ton321
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by ton321 » Sun Aug 07, 2016 1:30 am

Hi Lou,
I enjoyed reading it, well written, disturbing, what more can i say! Two characters who are both on the edge in different ways/ bunny boilers?
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Lou
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by Lou » Sun Aug 07, 2016 7:08 am

Thanks ton,

Three characters if you include the rabbit!

Best,
Lou

Moth
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by Moth » Thu Aug 11, 2016 11:46 pm

I used puce to make Amanda seem a bit punky
For some reason I got that without the puce, don't ask me why. Plum?
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.

Lou
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Re: Bunny Girl

Post by Lou » Sat Aug 13, 2016 4:26 pm

Thanks again, Moth, yes, plum is just right!

Best,
Lou

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