The Book Shop (3rd Edit)

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
trobbo44
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 299
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:32 pm

The Book Shop (3rd Edit)

Post by trobbo44 » Fri Aug 05, 2016 3:25 pm

3rd Edit

A book shop watches the Sunday rain
beat against the pavement.
The door opens its second hand world
to people carrying first class currency.

Once inside the shop they congeal
into mildly interested parties, whilst
a dedicated few splinter off toward
the First Editions, looking for a stiff pick-me-up in the arts.

Here, the best books of the shop lay open on stands,
their flawless condition protected under glass casements.
The books residing within are aloof with peacock pride
and no price tags.

A finger raised and a pointed nod selects a book for
viewing and an auction begins with only one bidder, a price
in mind and not a penny more. The bookseller matches
the price to the man.

'And for you sir, the deal of the week.' Suddenly the shops
atmosphere changes from musty velum to second hand car lot.
And the cash register rings another life line for the bookseller.

The rain begins to ease and the 'newly welcomed'
become the 'cheerio'd' as they rejoin the throng.
The dust resettles onto touched books and makes
a start on the newly acquired vacant plot.

The bookseller cashes up his till, hoping for more rain
tomorrow and the books go back to reading themselves,
the shop happy to have lightened its load by one.



2nd Edit

A second hand book shop watches
the Sunday rain beat against the pavement.
Its door opens its second hand world
to people carrying first class money.

Once inside the shop they congeal into mildly
interested parties, and a dedicated few splinter
off toward the First Editions,
looking for a stiff pick-me-up in the arts.

Here, the best books of the shop lay open on stands,
their flawless condition protected under glass casements.
The books residing within are aloof with peacock pride
and no price tags.

A finger raised and a pointed nod selects a book for
viewing. An auction begins with only one bidder, a price
in mind and not a penny more. The bookseller matches
the price to the man.

'And for you sir, the deal of the week.' Suddenly the shops
atmosphere changes from musty velum to second hand car lot.
And the cash register rings another life line for the bookseller.

The rain begins to ease and the 'newly welcomed'
become the 'cheerio'd' as they rejoin the throng.
The dust resettles onto touched books and makes
a start on the newly acquired vacant plot.

The bookseller cashes up his till, hoping for more rain
tomorrow and the books go back to reading themselves.
The shop is happy to have lightened its load by one.



1st Edit
A second hand book shop watches the Sunday rain
beat against a resentful pavement. Its second hand
door opens up its second hand world to people
carrying first class money.

Once inside the shop they congeal into parties
of mildly interested beings.
And a dedicated few splinter off toward the First
Editions, looking for a stiff pick-me-up in the arts.

The best books of the shop lay open on stands, their
flawless condition protected behind glass casements.
The books residing within are aloof with peacock pride
and no price tags.

A finger raised and a pointed nod selects a book for
viewing. An auction begins with only one bidder, a price
in mind and not a penny more. The bookseller matches
the price to the man.

'And for you sir, the deal of the week. Trust me'.
Suddenly the shops odour changes from musty velum
to second hand car lot. And the cash register rings
another life line for the bookseller.

The rain begins to ease and the 'newly welcomed'
become the 'cheerio'd' as they rejoin the throng
of non-paying passersby. The dust revisits touched
books and makes a start on the newly acquired vacant plot.

The bookseller cashes up his till, hoping for more rain
tomorrow and the books go back to reading themselves.
The shop is happy to have lightened its load by one.



Original

A second hand book shop watches the Sunday rain
beat against a resentful pavement. Its second hand
door opens up its second hand world to people
carrying first class money.

Once inside the shop they congeal into groups
of mildly interested parties.
And a dedicated few splinter off toward the first
editions, looking for a stiff pick-me-up in the arts.

The best books of the shop lay open on stands, their
flawless condition protected behind glass casements.
The books residing within are aloof with peacock pride
and no price tags.

A finger raised and a pointed nod selects a book for
viewing. An auction begins with only one bidder, a price
in mind and not a penny more. The bookseller matches
the price to the man.

A 'special' price for a 'special' purchase. 'And for you sir,
the deal of the week. Trust me'. Suddenly the shops odour
changes from musty velum to second hand car lot. And
the cash register rings another life line for the bookseller.

The rain begins to ease and the newly welcomed become
the 'cheerio'd' as they rejoin the non-paying, nondescripts.
The dust begins to revisit old homes and make a start on
the newly acquired vacant plot.

The bookseller cashes up his till, hoping for more rain
tomorrow. The books go back to reading themselves
and the shop returns to looking out on the bedraggled.
Content with the day and happy to have lightened the load by one
Last edited by trobbo44 on Tue Oct 04, 2016 8:11 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6121
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: The Book Shop (1st Edit)

Post by Macavity » Sat Aug 06, 2016 9:25 pm

Liked that notion of books reading themselves in the context of neglect. Also the reasoning of the bookseller wishing for rain. Not keen on the resentful pavement, I think the humanising is best focussed on the books.

best

mac

Boat
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat May 28, 2016 8:37 am

Re: The Book Shop (1st Edit)

Post by Boat » Sat Aug 06, 2016 10:05 pm

Hello, Terry.

Really like this one a lot.

Got a great feel to it and can read it over and over.

Agree with Mac comments though.

Also not sure about the 'shops odour changes' part. Although I get the gist I don't think a second hand car lot has an odour of sorts.

I can think of a way to re-work this line that doesn't lose your four lines per stanza but keeps the meaning and comparison. I'd rather leave it to you though if you agree it needs changing. If not I'll jog on.

Otherwise I think it's terrific.

Pat.
What the hell do I know about poetry?

ton321
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 12:54 am

Re: The Book Shop (1st Edit)

Post by ton321 » Sun Aug 07, 2016 1:08 am

Hi Terry,

As previously mentioned Iliked the 'books reading themselves'. I enjoyed the general ennui-esque atmosphere,
which i think you are trying to achieve, but it could be cut down, and condensed to achieve this effect more fully.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

User avatar
Luce
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 739
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:25 am

Re: The Book Shop (1st Edit)

Post by Luce » Mon Aug 08, 2016 5:12 pm

Terry,

I like this one a lot. You paint a wonderful scene. I could easily image myself in the bookstore, browsing around, lifting and handling books like frail kittens. I love the smell of books. Nicely done. :D

But, it needs a trim - not a crew cut - a trim. Also, It needs some subtle sonics because the poem does border on prose.

Luce

Additional comments:



A second hand book shop watches the Sunday rain
beat against a resentful pavement. Its second hand
door opens up its second hand world to people
carrying first class money.

Ok. We know it's a second hand bookstore. No need to keep repeating this fact. Please lose "resentful". Drop a few sonics when you easily can.

Suggested edit:

A second hand book shop watches the Sunday rain
beat against the pavement, its door opens up
its world to people carrying hard, cold cash.


Once inside the shop they congeal into parties
of mildly interested beings.
And a dedicated few splinter off toward the First
Editions, looking for a stiff pick-me-up in the arts.

Maybe revised the first two lines of this stanza like so for more sonic value.

Once inside they congeal into groups
of mildly interested beings. A dedicated few
splinter off toward the First Editions,
looking for a stiff pick-me-up in the arts.


The best books of the shop lay open on stands, their
flawless condition protected behind glass casements.
The books residing within are aloof with peacock pride
and no price tags.

Like the peacock pride image. Wouldn't it be "under" as oppose to "behind" casements?

A finger raised and a pointed nod selects a book for
viewing. An auction begins with only one bidder, a price
in mind and not a penny more. The bookseller matches
the price to the man.

Like the repeat of the consonants "p, b," used as a subtle sonic device (pointed, price penny, price / book, begins, bidder bookseller).

'And for you sir, the deal of the week. Trust me'.
Suddenly the shops odour changes from musty velum
to second hand car lot. And the cash register rings
another life line for the bookseller.

I'd drop the "trust me" bit. Too obvious a cliché. Wondering if just saying atmosphere is better than odor to link it to a car lot. Wondering if saying "musty academia" would be better to describe the difference between a bookstore and a car lot.

The rain begins to ease and the 'newly welcomed'
become the 'cheerio'd' as they rejoin the throng
of non-paying passersby. The dust revisits touched
books and makes a start on the newly acquired vacant plot.

I'd just say "rejoin the thong outside." instead. You should try to condense to give enough breathing space for any simile you have going in the stanza or line.

I'd also say "dust resettles" rather than revisits. It implies it was in the air, ready to settle back again. I do like how you compare the vacant slot (where a book was) to a cemetery plot.


The bookseller cashes up his till, hoping for more rain
tomorrow and the books go back to reading themselves.
The shop is happy to have lightened its load by one.

I think you need to shorten the lines for more sonic effect. I like the stanza except for the last line. I would suggest a continuation of the image of the books reading themselves. It would give it a nice surreal feel. Maybe a soft whispering can be heard within the books or the books, open in the casement stands, are described as quietly turning over the pages themselves.

Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

trobbo44
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 299
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:32 pm

Re: The Book Shop (1st Edit)

Post by trobbo44 » Mon Aug 08, 2016 5:39 pm

Luce, thanks for the help, much appreciated. Regards

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3297
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: The Book Shop (1st Edit)

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Aug 08, 2016 7:08 pm

I liked this one, Terry, seeing myself as one of the rain dodgers.
Actually, I'd have probably been in the shop already. :) I tend to do that with art shops as well.

Some lovely turns of phrase and delightful development of atmosphere.
I think some of the extraneous words could be cut to give it more immediacy
and drive the poem along. I tend to overdo the modifiers and know it's difficult
to cut them on occasion, but I think your poem would benefit from a hair cut.

That aside, you've got a smashing little number here.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

trobbo44
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 299
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:32 pm

Re: The Book Shop (1st Edit)

Post by trobbo44 » Mon Aug 08, 2016 7:20 pm

JJ, thanks for your enthusiasm. Regards

User avatar
Luce
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 739
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:25 am

Re: The Book Shop (3rd Edit)

Post by Luce » Wed Aug 10, 2016 2:36 am

Third revision sounds tighter. Good job. A minor suggestion. Instead of "first class money: how about "first class currency". Get that alty going action happening. :D

Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

trobbo44
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 299
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:32 pm

Re: The Book Shop (3rd Edit)

Post by trobbo44 » Wed Aug 10, 2016 7:48 am

Luce, good suggestion. Regards

Boat
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat May 28, 2016 8:37 am

Re: The Book Shop (3rd Edit)

Post by Boat » Wed Aug 10, 2016 3:31 pm

Hello, Terry.

Third edit: Sweet as a nut.

I feel like I'm reading a Harry Potter novel for some reason. No idea why 'cos I've never read a Harry Potter novel.

Pat.
What the hell do I know about poetry?

trobbo44
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 299
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:32 pm

Re: The Book Shop (3rd Edit)

Post by trobbo44 » Wed Aug 10, 2016 6:38 pm

Pat, your funny. Thanks for the thumbs up. Regards

Post Reply