Water

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ton321
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Water

Post by ton321 » Sun Aug 07, 2016 1:42 am

water






All it ever wants to do is to evade capture.
It's as simple as a sum, really.
To follow the logic of gravity
and maybe leave behind a trace
of itself, a reminder,
a footprint, an oceans tide,
of its comings and goings-
or a salty tear that we try to hide
that tastes of the sea-
its that wide.
Last edited by ton321 on Sat Aug 27, 2016 1:30 am, edited 6 times in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Lou
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Re: Water

Post by Lou » Sun Aug 07, 2016 7:06 am

This is an attractive slant on water - I particularly like 'the logic of gravity' trope. An apostrophe is needed in the final line.

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Lou

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Luce
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Re: Water

Post by Luce » Mon Aug 08, 2016 4:10 pm

I like this one a lot. I like the image of water trying to escape from us. You humanized the water but in a skillful, not OTT, way.
However, I wish you had gone into this image a bit more, how water slips through our fingers, can seep through containers, etc. It can then naturally progress how water leaves a footprint and the expanse of it.

Don't quite buy or like how you reduce water to a tear drop. It's too sudden a turn. If you were talking of water and how it journeys from a reservoir, through pipes and into a glass that we drink, then I could buy the salty tear.

Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Water

Post by JJWilliamson » Mon Aug 08, 2016 7:33 pm

I thought this was great, but agree with Luce with regards to progression. The tear is such a good image, especially in this context. Perhaps, "a tear as salty as the sea" in the close, moving from tide OR tidemark to the tear through a couple of further reductions, only to return to the sea. This would complete the water cycle.

Just suggestions

Enjoyed

JJ
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Re: Water

Post by Boat » Mon Aug 08, 2016 10:02 pm

Hello, Ton.

I'm sure Luce and JJ have made good observations about progression, and being new to poetry it might be that I'm not as clued up on this point as they are, but the contrast worked fine for me, going from one extreme to another just to show its range, 'it's that wide'.

What I did pick up on in the beginning lines were the words sum, logic, gravity, very scientific language. Why don't you follow on and use H2O somewhere in your closing lines?

Just a thought. Liked it by the way.

Pat.
What the hell do I know about poetry?

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Re: Water

Post by cynwulf » Tue Aug 09, 2016 11:05 am

I join all the previous contributors in their appreciation of this take on water. The rhyming I liked, and the is neatly done, and the differing items in ll7-10
expressive of the initialline. I cavil a bit at the overt personification and attribution of will in line1. A thoughtful poem.
Cheers, c.

ton321
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Re: Water

Post by ton321 » Tue Aug 09, 2016 6:22 pm

Wow ,thanks for all the kind comments, and after leaving it for a few days I can see the end of the poem needs sorting out. Thanks jj, and Luce for your comments on this, they confirmed what I thought, ie it sounds a bit rushed/jarring imagery/needs expanding out a bit more. Boat, you picked up on the scientific imagery, and i'll keep that in mind on the re-write. Glad you liked it Lou and Cynewulf, your comments are appreciated!
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: Water

Post by bodkin » Thu Aug 11, 2016 9:13 pm

Hi Ton,

I also like this, and have a similar reservation but I think for me it isn't the progression, it is more that (for me) you are telegraphing your sentiments too strongly at the end. If you did something like this (simple illustration with no deep thought):
ton321 wrote:All it ever wants to do is to evade capture.
It's as simple as a sum, really.
To follow the logic of gravity
and maybe leave behind a trace
of itself, a reminder,
a footprint, an oceans tide,
of its comings and goings-
or a salty tear
that tastes of the sea.
Then for me that progresses nicely, maybe because now you are implying the emotion of the tear, and thus the reader, already working something out for themselves, is more OK with working out the sea->tear linkage...

...OTOH this may just be me. I have some background knowledge here, knowing for example that the salt content of tissue fluid is still the very similar to the sea water we long-ago crawled out of. So the sea/tear resonance is already there for me...

Ian
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Re: Water

Post by Macavity » Sat Aug 13, 2016 3:36 pm

Like the opening line, sets the poem up. it is that wide - it's that wide. The footprint is too human - print may be enough?
an oceans tide
of its comings and goings-
Drop the comma.

edit some of the 'that'.

More condensing options...`
All it ever wants to do is to evade.
It's as simple as a sum.
To follow the logic of gravity
and leave behind
a reminder, an ocean's tide
of comings and goings
in a tear we try to hide
which tastes of the sea-
it's that wide.
best

mac

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Re: Water

Post by cydney » Mon Aug 15, 2016 1:18 am

I like the simplicity of this. you use the word 'simply' in the second line which provides a nice unity in the poem.

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the stranger
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Re: Water

Post by the stranger » Tue Aug 16, 2016 10:23 pm

A bit late to this one, but I also enjoyed very much.

The personification of something massive, something integral to our very being, simplified.

A good idea for a poem.

I would say if you were to be absolutely precise, the following:

"or a salty tear that we try to hide
that tastes of the sea-
its that wide." - Not that wide if it just considers salt water? Need an apostrophe in it's.

Doesn't work, because it presumes there is only salt water, and with the title of the poem being the all pervading "Water" it needs to be addressed, especially as it's the closure.

TS

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Re: Water

Post by ton321 » Thu Aug 18, 2016 11:12 pm

Thanks for the responses, much appreciated! Bodkin, yeah, maybe its a bit unsubtle, less is more! I take on board what you say Mac, and i think you are right! Thanks sydney, and the stranger, glad you liked it!
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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