The last love-letter of water

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
ton321
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 12:54 am

The last love-letter of water

Post by ton321 » Mon Aug 29, 2016 12:55 am

I'm too shallow for you- you're a long time dead
when you're like me, so long un-dredged.
Lets take things slow but then again
you'll get burnt, i might put you out,
quench your thirst.

Hold out your tongue, taste the sky
falling from three miles high.
Lets take it from there.
At first a trickle, then a stream that
turns into a river.
Don't wait up, I'll be down the gutter,
and into the drain, the sewer, a few
days later the sea-
spent, like a coin returned back to the mint,
unmade and in my element,

but thats just me.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Pauline
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 950
Joined: Mon Oct 26, 2009 10:30 pm
antispam: no

Re: The last love-letter of water

Post by Pauline » Mon Aug 29, 2016 2:56 am

Hmmm. Hi Ton.
I kind of like it but then there's parts I don't get. :?

I'm too shallow for you, you're a long time dead ?
when you're like me, so long un-dredged.
Lets take things slow but then again
you'll get burnt, i might put you out, How, if you are water,how can you burn???
quench your thirst.
Hold out your tongue, taste the sky
falling from three miles high. Again, I'm confused here. Okay, you are rain.
Lets take it from there.
At first a trickle, then a stream that
turns into a river.
Don't wait up, I'll be down the gutter,
and into the drain, the sewer, a few
days later the sea-
spent, like a coin returned back to the mint. ?
unmade, in my element,

but that's just me.

Really sorry Ton, but I just don't get it.
I'm sorry to be so negative.
Hey, maybe other do and I can possibly be enlightened..
I'm maybe missing something :)

trobbo44
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 299
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:32 pm

Re: The last love-letter of water

Post by trobbo44 » Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:16 pm

Confusing geography lesson. Unless you join the dots, I shall forever remain in the dark about this one. I get the journey, I just don't get the point. Maybe a rewrite in certain stanzas. Sorry to be so negative about a created piece of work, not normally my style. Regards

Lou
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 523
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2016 10:07 am

Re: The last love-letter of water

Post by Lou » Mon Aug 29, 2016 5:43 pm

I like a lot of the imagery here, but feel the water metaphor is over-stretched in places - the sewer passage for instance. You seem keen to include every aspect of water when I think just two or three qualities would have more impact. Its getting there but IMO needs some more work.

Best,
Lou

User avatar
bodkin
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3181
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:51 pm
antispam: no
Location: Two inches behind my eyes just above the bridge of my nose.

Re: The last love-letter of water

Post by bodkin » Wed Aug 31, 2016 11:39 am

ton321 wrote:I'm too shallow for you- you're a long time dead
when you're like me, so long un-dredged. Whilst the break "a long time dead/when you're like me" feels clever, I'm not sure in what sense that "me" is dead...
Lets take things slow but then again I can sort of see a relationship between "undredged" and "dead" but again not exactly what you are getting at... and the being dead seems to be over by the next line which surely needs some remark?
you'll get burnt, i might put you out, I think you are trying to a deliberate degree of contradictoriness here. e.g. where "gut burnt" is a metaphor but "put you out" is literal -- and hence the apparent contradiction is just a bit on humour... however I don't think you've established the scenario clearly enough to be playing with apparent contradiction. I think you may confuse a lot of readers at this point...
quench your thirst.

Hold out your tongue, taste the sky
falling from three miles high. The rhyme here feels too blatant...
Lets take it from there.
At first a trickle, then a stream that
turns into a river.
Don't wait up, I'll be down the gutter,
and into the drain, the sewer, a few
days later the sea-
spent, like a coin returned back to the mint,
unmade and in my element,

but thats just me. apostrophe in "that's"...
Overall this is clever in the intended conceit, but I don't think you are explaining quite enough for the situation to be clearly portrayed. Too much is implicit for us to grasp the whole. Try providing more details... not a lot, just some things for us to anchor our understanding of the action on.

In particular, characters only given as "me" and "you" will always be a bit opaque without something more personal to make them real.

And the scene is here implicit too... where are these characters? What's around them? Why are they there?

Hope this helps,

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

ton321
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 12:54 am

Re: The last love-letter of water

Post by ton321 » Wed Aug 31, 2016 5:58 pm

Thanks for your honest replies. I think i enjoyed writing it more than people enjoyed reading it lol. Is there a digital trash bin I can screw it up into?
The intention was to try and write a "dear John" letter as if it was written by the element of water, hence the liquidity and ambivalence of the piece.
Last edited by ton321 on Sat Sep 03, 2016 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

User avatar
bodkin
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3181
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:51 pm
antispam: no
Location: Two inches behind my eyes just above the bridge of my nose.

Re: The last love-letter of water

Post by bodkin » Wed Aug 31, 2016 6:49 pm

ton321 wrote:Thanks for your honest replies. I think i enjoyed writing it more than people enjoyed reading it lol. Is there a digital trash bin I can screw it up into?
Or put it aside and come back in a while, I have poems that go nowhere when I first try to write them, but when I come back later, sometimes a decade later...

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

Katherine
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 231
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2015 8:25 pm

Re: The last love-letter of water

Post by Katherine » Mon Sep 05, 2016 9:15 pm

"How does the River Tyne never run out of water?" was one of the first questions - that I remember - posing to my daddy. I knew that he would know that kind of stuff. Mammy knew almost everything else.
I love your love-letter, but a river/water is too 'deep'.
Loved the think. x

ton321
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 12:54 am

Re: The last love-letter of water

Post by ton321 » Sat Sep 10, 2016 12:45 am

Thanks katherine,

Just wanted to write a watery poem, that kind of slips between your fingers and is gone.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Post Reply