Carried Away

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Firebird
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Carried Away

Post by Firebird » Fri Oct 21, 2016 10:40 pm

V2

We'd not known each other long
that day in the park, when
instead of seeing the stems
of fallen chestnut leaves,
I saw the leg bones
of a willowy bird,
and kicked amongst the dirt
for a skull or wing,
to help me recreate it,
but finding none, it circled
heron-like in my mind
before landing, and briefly
those fallen stems
held a possibility
of being something new.


V1
We hadn't known each other long
that day in the park, when briefly,
instead of seeing the stems
of chestnut leaves,
I saw the leg bones
of a willowy bird,
and kicked amongst the dirt
for a scull or wing,
to help me recreate it,
but finding none, it circled
heron-like in my mind
before landing and for a while
the fallen stalks of a tree
held a possibility
of being something new.
Last edited by Firebird on Sat Oct 22, 2016 8:39 pm, edited 4 times in total.

ton321
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Re: Carried away

Post by ton321 » Sat Oct 22, 2016 2:19 am

We hadn't known each other long
that day in the park, when briefly,
instead of seeing the stems
of chestnut leaves,
I saw the leg bones
of a willowy bird,
and kicked amongst the dirt
for a scull or wing,
to help me recreate it,
but finding none, it circled
heron-like in my mind
before landing and for a while
the fallen stalks of a tree
held a possibility
of being something new.

Hi Firebird,

I enjoyed the way you transformed a feeling into words via the bones of birds, each line moves down like a layer of meaning towards the conclusion. I like the transition from seeing the leg bones of a willowy bird, which were stems of chestnut leaves, moving to circling things, and opening up at the last line, to something new. You manage to open up something, through successive details.Loved it!
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

trobbo44
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Re: Carried away

Post by trobbo44 » Sat Oct 22, 2016 9:14 am

I like this poem. I like the speed of it, through the use of the comma. The effect of the story builds up to the final realisation of something lost turning into the possibility of something new. Well done

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Crayon
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Re: Carried away

Post by Crayon » Sat Oct 22, 2016 3:00 pm

I like this a lot. It's delicate, and mad, like affections. Here are some thoughts and suggestions:

Capital A in the title "Carried Away" ?

"We hadn't known" or 'We'd not known' ?

Cut "briefly" and use it later to replace "for a while" ?

"instead of seeing" or 'rather than see' ?

Add 'fallen' before "chesnut leaves", or else one pictures them on branches, and the bird legs up in the tree, and then "kicked amongst the dirt" is confusing for a moment.

"dirt" or 'leaf-litter' ?

"scull" or 'skull' ?

'a wing' ?

Ending suggestion:
before landing between us.
Briefly, those fallen stems
held the possibility of
becoming something new.

For some odd reason, I find some kind of child-like pleasure in the words: "I saw the leg bones of a willowy bird".
wisteria
glares mauve ~
sleepless dawn

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Firebird
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Re: Carried Away

Post by Firebird » Sat Oct 22, 2016 8:28 pm

Ton and Trobbo,

I'm really pleased you like it.

Crayon, I'm also pleased you like it, and found your advice very useful. I have made quite a few changes based on it.

Many thanks,

Tristan

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Re: Carried Away

Post by bodkin » Tue Oct 25, 2016 8:17 pm

Enjoyed, very nice.

My critique, if I have one is that this single sentence is very long... the mind is getting quite tired with the effort of parsing it by the end.

Could you have just one break? Something like:

"We'd not known each other long
that day in the park, when
instead of seeing the stems
of fallen chestnut leaves,
I saw the leg bones
of a willowy bird,
and kicked amongst the dirt
for a skull or wing,
to help me recreate it,
but found none

Nevertheless, it circled
heron-like in my mind
before landing, and briefly
those fallen stems
held a possibility
of being something new."

To my mind the ending there is stronger for being a bigger proportion of a shorter sentence...

Just a "what if..." no big... Am already liking the poem, although I wonder if it's a tiny bit small to live on its own? Could be part of a sequence?

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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