Calling Time

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ton321
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Calling Time

Post by ton321 » Sat Oct 22, 2016 1:14 am

Revision 1



They're calling time at the bar.
I don't know how it got so late.
You send me up for a couple more.

Each pints a punt on air
We trade, take back or understate.
They're calling time at the bar.

Your face is like a broken star
as i hug you, and feel my fate.
You send me up for a couple more.

You and me, we've come so far,
how did we get into such a state?
They're calling time at the bar.

I'm fighting some kind of war
that feeds on love, as well as hate.
You send me up for a couple more.

Our shouts are near as well as far.
We take a bow into the night.
They're calling time at the bar.
You send me up for a couple more.


Original

They're calling time at the bar.
I don't know how it got so late.
You send me up for a couple more.

Those dreams you say,are really sore.
You tell me this to my face.
They're calling time at the bar.

Your face is like a broken star
as i hug you, and feel my fate.
You send me up for a couple more.

You and me, Brother, we've come so far,
how did we get into such a state?
They're calling time at the bar.

I'm fighting some kind of war
that feeds on love, not hate.
You send me up for a couple more.

So you went and died, so what! I have you here
in my mind and in verse for fucks sake!
They're calling time at the bar.
You send me up for a couple more.
Last edited by ton321 on Sun Oct 23, 2016 1:23 am, edited 7 times in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Macavity
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Re: Last Orders

Post by Macavity » Sat Oct 22, 2016 5:29 am

Different from you T.

I quite like some of the repetitions you have working in this. There's definitely a catchy element in the poem.

best

mac

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Re: Last Orders

Post by Lou » Sat Oct 22, 2016 7:33 am

Good idea, ton, to make your drinking poem into a villanelle with the repetends piling up the pints. I'm not sure that all your lines are as felicitous as they might be (unless you're aiming for a rough boozy effect) - 'that feeds on love, not hate' is surely a three beat line? Some of the others have a casual feel to them as if this piece was written quickly, not a good idea: formal poems should aim for sonic perfection IMO.

Best,
Lou

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Re: Last Orders

Post by Firebird » Sat Oct 22, 2016 9:03 am

I too like the mounting up beers and the idea of time running out. It really does have that maudlin feeling, which I think the repetition works well at communicating. If the idea's that the language is becoming a little more rough and ready as the N becomes more drunk, I think it works. If it isn't I have a suggestion for the final verse (see below).

Nice poem.

Cheers,

Tristan


So you went and died, so what! I have you
here my in verse - for fucks sake!
They're calling time at the bar.
You send me up for a couple more.[/quote]

ton321 wrote:They're calling time at the bar.
I don't know how it got so late.
You send me up for a couple more.

Those dreams you say,are really sore.
You tell me this to my face.
They're calling time at the bar.

Your face is like a broken star
as i hug you, and feel my fate.
You send me up for a couple more.

You and me, Brother, we've come so far,
how did we get into such a state?
They're calling time at the bar.

I'm fighting some kind of war
that feeds on love, not hate.
You send me up for a couple more.

So you went and died, so what! I have you here
in my mind and in verse for fucks sake!
They're calling time at the bar.
You send me up for a couple more.

ton321
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Re: Last Orders

Post by ton321 » Sun Oct 23, 2016 12:09 am

Thanks Mac, thought i'd dip my toe into the scary world of the villanelle, Lou- yep it is rough and ready, thanks Tristan for the suggestion for the last verse. Obviously its a personal piece.
Cheers, Ton.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: Calling Time

Post by Grace » Sun Oct 23, 2016 3:09 am

Hi Ton321,

Good revision.

Your poem brought me into its world from the title and first line, which promised action due to the place and time. The story is poignant. I especially like the broken star, and the kind of war that feeds on love as well as hate is a universal observation. And we take bows into the night, perfect.

A couple places the meter stuck out for me:

They're calling time at the bar--3 (They're calling time at the corner bar?) (The barkeep's calling time at the bar)

Each pint's a punt on air--3 (I don't understand this reference. Is the drinking like giving up the idea getting a touch down and punting instead? It needs another iamb as well--"Each pint's a punt we kick on air?)

I'm fighting some kind of war (I'm fighting in a kind of war?) (I'm fighting in the kind of war?) (I'm fighting some kind of hidden war?)

Very enjoyable.

Grace

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Re: Calling Time

Post by bodkin » Tue Oct 25, 2016 8:30 pm

ton321 wrote:Revision 1



They're calling time at the bar. A beat too short, "now at the bar"?
I don't know how it got so late.
You send me up for a couple more. Ironically this feels a beat too long. Drop the "up"?

Each pints a punt on air A foot short again, but scans well. So you can get away with this, it just feels a bit odd for this phrase which doesn't really seem to be gaining from the short, sharp treatment...?

Apostrophe in "pint's" as it is short for "pint is"...

Also I suspect "punt on air" may be a colloquial phrase which doesn't quite translate for me. I know what a "punt" is (a bet or chance) and I know what "air" is, it is just the combination of the two gives me some meaning (an empty chance, a light, pointless one) but not the precision it may give to some readers...

We trade, take back or understate. Lower case "W"?
They're calling time at the bar.

Your face is like a broken star Nice phrase, but the more I consider, the less I can interpret... do you mean glaring and blurry because a drunk person is looking at it under bright light?
as i hug you, and feel my fate. Fate is vague, could mean anything. I image they might sleep together?
You send me up for a couple more.

You and me, we've come so far, "Coming far", without an explanation as to in what way, doesn't really mean anything... would work fine if the previous or next line lead into/on from it and explained...
how did we get into such a state? Ditto, needs a touch more story...
They're calling time at the bar.

I'm fighting some kind of war
that feeds on love, as well as hate. Love/hate are too common words to really work. Give behaviour, such as a look given and the wrong look returned...
You send me up for a couple more.

Our shouts are near as well as far.
We take a bow into the night.
They're calling time at the bar.
You send me up for a couple more. Comes together nicely at the end.
Another pantoum. Not bad, a nice topic/approach. For me it just needs raising to a slightly higher level so that there are real, clear meanings instead of references that can be taken in a few different ways...

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

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Re: Calling Time

Post by bodkin » Tue Oct 25, 2016 9:11 pm

Another pantoum. Not bad, a nice topic/approach. For me it just needs raising to a slightly higher level so that there are real, clear meanings instead of references that can be taken in a few different ways...
I meant "villanelle". I'm tired, it is my only excuse...

Ian
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ton321
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Re: Calling Time

Post by ton321 » Tue Oct 25, 2016 10:09 pm

Hi, Thanks Grace, glad you liked it. I found it more difficult than I thought, to write in this style ie villanelle. Bodkin, really good suggestions, as usual, made me think
about what its about. Things that I think seem clear, are obviously not, from some perspectives, and can be taken in different ways. Thanks for the replies, much appreciated,
Tony.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Calling Time

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Nov 01, 2016 7:00 pm

Good effort, Ton. They're tricky little suckers to write, especially if you stick rigidly to the rhyme scheme, easier if you give yourself a bit of latitude.

I like the feel of this vill', even if I couldn't quite follow the progression. That's ok though and I'd call this a fine start.

Always enjoy a villanelle.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

ton321
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Re: Calling Time

Post by ton321 » Thu Nov 03, 2016 5:28 pm

Hi JJ,
Glad you liked the feel of it. It still needs a lot of work, but i'll put in a drawer for a week or two,
Cheers, Tony.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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