Swan Lake

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Firebird
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Swan Lake

Post by Firebird » Thu Oct 27, 2016 6:07 pm

I do not want to die
a music box death
where the notes slow
and the gaps grow.

David
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Re: Swan Lake

Post by David » Thu Oct 27, 2016 6:09 pm

Good one, Tristan. I've been struggling with a music box poem for a while lately, but I like this one.

Cheers

David

k-j
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Re: Swan Lake

Post by k-j » Thu Oct 27, 2016 9:05 pm

Quite nifty this one. Do you need "to die"?
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Swan Lake

Post by Grace » Fri Oct 28, 2016 12:33 am

Hi Firebird,

Good succinct poem. I especially like the way the notes slow and the gaps grow sonically.

Grace

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Luce
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Re: Swan Lake

Post by Luce » Fri Oct 28, 2016 1:07 am

Firebird wrote:I do not want to die
a music box death
where the notes slow
and the gaps grow.

Nice one Tristan. You packed a lot of sonics in four lines (notes/slow/gaps/grow. Like the metaphor. Very cool.

Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

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Re: Swan Lake

Post by Crayon » Fri Oct 28, 2016 4:34 am

Hi Fire. Very smoothly done. I can hear that dying swan refrain played in creepy tinkly music-box style and getting slower and slo ... wer ... and ... ... slo ... ... ... wer.

Maybe change "where" to 'when'.

Like k-j said, you could cut "to die". Or maybe have: 'to know'.

PS
I'm gonna expire
like a dying star,
a helio-hero,
a cosmic superno
va.
Last edited by Crayon on Fri Oct 28, 2016 12:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
wisteria
glares mauve ~
sleepless dawn

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Swan Lake

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Oct 28, 2016 11:11 am

Love it, Tristan. Absolutely no nits, just applause.

From the title onwards it positively sings. It reminded me of
"let Me Die a Young Man's Death" by Roger McGough, at least S1.

The suggested changes would work but I'd keep it as is.

Best

JJ

PS You could drop the words 'the' without harming the poem. Or maybe just the second one.

J
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Swan Lake

Post by Firebird » Fri Oct 28, 2016 12:10 pm

Thanks all for your positive comments and suggestions. Much appreciated. I agree that it could be cut, but think I'm going to probably leave this one as it is.

My only problem: it seems that it's only my very short poems that really work, and even they can be prone to fatal flaws. I'm going to try and write longer.

Thanks all.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Swan Lake

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Oct 28, 2016 1:12 pm

Well, the more you put down on the page, the more mistakes you could make. A long piece, by its very nature, will contain more punctuation; errors, grammatical misled imageries, SPEALING MISTEAKS, unintentional tense changed, overlong ongoing neverending repetitive stylistic tosspot nonsense andother less easy to define problems of a pretenshuss natore.

Bist

BJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Swan Lake

Post by Crayon » Fri Oct 28, 2016 3:37 pm

CJ has hit the snail on the head. Let "stylistic tosspot nonsense" be our watchword.
wisteria
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Re: Swan Lake

Post by Luce » Fri Oct 28, 2016 4:24 pm

Crayon wrote:CJ has hit the snail on the head. Let "stylistic tosspot nonsense" be our watchword.
CORECT!!!!

Loose
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

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Re: Swan Lake

Post by ton321 » Sat Oct 29, 2016 4:02 am

Swan Lake


I do not want to die
a music box death
where the notes slow
and the gaps grow



Hi Tristan,
Short and sweet. I like the link between the form of the poem to its central metaphor,
Cheers Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Re: Swan Lake

Post by bodkin » Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:02 am

Enjoyed, but too small for me to really get into...

Ian
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