Three Windows

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the stranger
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Three Windows

Post by the stranger » Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:42 am

I see you and
you see me
we see each other
togetheralone
in this pellucid
symmetry
breached with
endless reflections
I seeing you and
you seeing me.

Macavity
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Re: Three Windows

Post by Macavity » Wed Oct 25, 2017 1:45 am

hi TS

I felt that endless undermined the precision of symmetry, but then you have used the word breached.

best

mac

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Luce
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Re: Three Windows

Post by Luce » Sun Oct 29, 2017 7:47 am

Hey TS,

I like this little poem a lot. The neat, concise format and the repetition of the "e" sound, throughout the poem, suits the piece perfectly. Oddly enough, even though it lacks any concrete imagery, I didn't miss it. I was too busy trying to untangle the thing - in a good way. :D

You do need a space between "together" and "alone". I'm also wondering if reversing the order of the pronouns would be better for the ending For example:

"you seeing me
and I seeing you"

Luce

the stranger wrote:I see you and
you see me
we see each other
togetheralone
in this pellucid
symmetry
breached with
endless reflections
I seeing you and
you seeing me.
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Three Windows

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Oct 31, 2017 8:44 am

I think this is great. The title is everything, because without it you'd be left with not much.
With it you have a tantalising piece, which reminds me of two strangers on a train.

There's also the possibility that this is a relationship poem, but I much prefer my interp'. :lol:

Best

JJ
the stranger wrote:I see you and
you see me
we see each other
togetheralone
in this pellucid
symmetry
breached with
endless reflections
I seeing you and
you seeing me.
Long time a child and still a child

Vox
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Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:52 am

Re: Three Windows

Post by Vox » Wed Nov 01, 2017 6:44 pm

Very good.

I'm a newby to both the forum and poetry so will be studying the forum users work.

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sleepystupid
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Re: Three Windows

Post by sleepystupid » Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:19 am

i really liked this- to be honest my exposure to poetry is currently limited, and these types of short poems have quickly piqued my interest. they represent to me a fundamental challenge of poetry, to express a complex idea and emotion with the least amount of words.

a question for the experts: assuming that "togetheralone" is intentional, what would this technique or device be called? I have used this type of visual manipulation in my writing before, but id like to learn more about the proper usage of it if any.

thanks!

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camus
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Re: Three Windows

Post by camus » Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:49 am

Thanks for your input guys, glad this worked as it should, even if it probably didn't!

JJ,

Spot on. It is indeed about two strangers on a train. More specifically two strangers on two separate trains. I guess I tried to capture the idea of loneliness in a crowd(ed) place, which just happened to be permeated with loud drunken football fans (I'm not good with noise) and neither apparently was the other person. And I do find trains to have an air of melancholy about them.

Luce, sleepystupid,

Re "togetheralone" It was indeed intentional. I'm a fan of Roger McGough (many people aren't) and he uses this technique in quite a few of his poems. I used it to outline the essence (as previously mentioned) of being alone in a crowd. It's a quirky thing that may not even work, but I like it.

I suppose it's close to a "Portmanteau" which is a linguistic blend of words, although it may have another term, if so, I'm unaware of it.

Vox,

Thanks and welcome. I've been around for a looong time, but don't pop in nearly enough as i should. I've had writers block for far too long and only seem to cobble something together when I've "had a few" But I will say this is still a wonderful place, full of wonderful poets, you could do far worse, there are some god-awful forums out there!

Mac,
I felt that endless undermined the precision of symmetry, but then you have used the word breached.
Yes, it wasn't supposed to, but once I got into it I couldn't get out! As Luce commented: "I was too busy trying to untangle the thing"

Me too!

Thanks all
TS
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

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camus
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Re: Three Windows

Post by camus » Fri Nov 03, 2017 12:01 pm

Oh for newbies, i just replied (by mistake) via my pseudonym. Actually "The Stranger" is my pseudonym.

I found I could write a different style of poetry if I used another name. A psychological approach, but it did work at some point.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk

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