Ink (rev. 1)

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sleepystupid
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Ink (rev. 1)

Post by sleepystupid » Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:31 am

have you ever seen
words in retrograde?
they don't take too kindly
to budget cuts.

through a sieve,
redacted and naked
in collapsing sequences:

was it always this hard?




Original

have you ever seen
words tumble?
they don't take too kindly
to budget cuts.

through a sieve,
redacted and naked
in collapsing sequences:

was it always this hard?
Last edited by sleepystupid on Sat Nov 04, 2017 2:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

Macavity
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Re: Ink

Post by Macavity » Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:46 am

Welcome to pg sleepy.

Poems about writing can be incestuous, but I thought this had some inventive diction. I liked the run-on from the title, as if personifying Ink, though the non-capitalising of through and they suggests I have misread.
sleepystupid wrote:have you ever seen
words tumble?
they don't take too kindly
to budget cuts................................like the implication of resentment, resistance to the editing processing.

through a sieve,
redacted and naked...........................like redacted
in collapsing sequences:

was it always this hard?
best

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Ink

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Nov 03, 2017 3:00 pm

[tab][/tab]
Hi sleepy,
whilst I'm not that keen on the opening question
(can't quite relate 'tumble' to 'cuts', and it doesn't seem to lead anywhere)
the question with with you finish works well, I think.
Liked the language in lines 5-7 and especially the sonic recapitulation of the title in
[IN C]ollapsing - nicely done.

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

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sleepystupid
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Re: Ink

Post by sleepystupid » Sat Nov 04, 2017 12:03 am

its a pleasure to be here and i'm excited to be a part of an active community of educators and collaborators. this is truly a unique place- i know cause it took a while to end up here (:

thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts!

mac,

"incestuous" is a great way of naming the difficulty i've consistently faced in the last few years of songwriting and poetry, thank you for this. the pursuit of art, science and our fundamental motivations is a frequent theme of my writing, but as you say, there is an inherent difficulty in this, "writing about writing". on some level, this poem started as something grander in vision but over countless revisions (more accurately deletions) , it was distilled down to frustration- this was the only genuine emotion left. i wish i could say the title run-on was intentional but it was not.. but now that I know that's a thing, perhaps it will be in the future! while I tend not to use upper-casing in communications, I think I left the lower casing in the poem because it felt appropriate. thanks again for the comments.


not,

unsurprisingly, you have illuminated a weak link that honestly was the originating thought of this entire work- after growing, shrinking and ultimate defeat, I may have taken this anchor for granted without reevaluation. thank you, this is immensely helpful. i shall revise a bit and return.
Last edited by sleepystupid on Sat Nov 04, 2017 7:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

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sleepystupid
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Re: Ink

Post by sleepystupid » Sat Nov 04, 2017 2:55 am

NotQuiteSure wrote: whilst I'm not that keen on the opening question
(can't quite relate 'tumble' to 'cuts', and it doesn't seem to lead anywhere)
had a short plane ride to mull this over. revision 1 in italics above. it's really just the one word, but I think "retrograde" leads more naturally to redaction and finally collapse. I still like "budget cuts" here, but im open to suggestions of course.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Ink (rev. 1)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Nov 04, 2017 1:17 pm

[tab][/tab]
Hi sleepy,
I agree about 'retrograde', definite improvement.
My issue with the opening is that it is framed as a question
(and one that is not as successful as the one which ends the piece).
It reads as an (almost casual) observation and seems to lack the sense of 'frustration'
you described to mac. Whereas the end captures this perfectly.

In keeping with your other linguistic choices perhaps you'd consider 'filter' for 'sieve'?

Purely food for thought - retrograde + ink suggested words returning to the pen.

Regards, Not.
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sleepystupid
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Re: Ink (rev. 1)

Post by sleepystupid » Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:57 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:[tab][/tab]
Hi sleepy,
I agree about 'retrograde', definite improvement.
My issue with the opening is that it is framed as a question
(and one that is not as successful as the one which ends the piece).
It reads as an (almost casual) observation and seems to lack the sense of 'frustration'
you described to mac. Whereas the end captures this perfectly.

In keeping with your other linguistic choices perhaps you'd consider 'filter' for 'sieve'?

Purely food for thought - retrograde + ink suggested words returning to the pen.

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

ah yes, i see what you mean. the initial question is not very effective in setting the tone, and the poem is too short to build up from observation to frustration. i will revisit this shortly, thank you for the continued feedback, it is very much appreciated!

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Re: Ink (rev. 1)

Post by Firebird » Mon Nov 06, 2017 9:47 pm

I really like 'redacted and naked'. Excellent line.

A suggested edit.

words in retrograde?
don't take too kindly
to budget cuts.

through a sieve,
redacted and naked
in collapsing sequences:

was it always this way?

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan




Original

have you ever seen
words tumble?
they don't take too kindly
to budget cuts.

through a sieve,
redacted and naked
in collapsing sequences:

was it always this hard?[/quote]

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sleepystupid
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Re: Ink (rev. 1)

Post by sleepystupid » Wed Nov 08, 2017 3:26 pm

Firebird wrote:
A suggested edit.

words in retrograde?
don't take too kindly
to budget cuts.

through a sieve,
redacted and naked
in collapsing sequences:

was it always this way?
thanks Tristan, I really like the suggestions- it always amazes me how powerful minor changes like that can be (and how unnecessary words can sometimes be!). i will consider these suggestions along with Not's for the next revision.

truly appreciate the input.

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