The Holly:

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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Firebird
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The Holly:

Post by Firebird » Sat Nov 04, 2017 11:59 pm

V3

I envy that sycamore;
the way those leaves
glow before they fall.
The way it offers
itself fully to the wind,

bares trunk and branches,
then starts again.


V2

I envy that sycamore
the way those leaves
glow before they fall.
The way it offers
itself fully to the wind,
and for a while,
bares trunk and branches,
then starts again.

V1

I envy the sycamore
the way its leaves
glow before they fall.
The way it offers
itself fully to the wind,
and for a while,
bares its trunk and branches,
then starts again.
Last edited by Firebird on Tue Nov 07, 2017 3:07 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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sleepystupid
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Re: The Holly:

Post by sleepystupid » Sun Nov 05, 2017 2:17 am

hi Firebird,

i think you have captured the passage of time very well in this poem, and i find myself with a strong image of all the changes that entails for the sycamore. but why is the Holly envious of this, and why the sycamore specifically? it's entirely possible I'm missing something that the seasoned members of this board wouldn't.

im still new to this, (and to around here) so nothing more to share just yet, there are some specific choices you made that I'd like to think through before asking about.

Macavity
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Re: The Holly:

Post by Macavity » Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:53 am

Like it Tristan. Can see the compactness of one, a protective and conservative darkness, safe, but restricted in stasis - so much revealed in the perception of another.


An option to play more with the human parallels by using proximity:
I envy that sycamore
the way those leaves
glow before they fall.
The way it offers
itself fully to the wind,
and for a while,
bares [s]its[/s] trunk and branches,......................................maybe drop one of the its?
then starts again.
The obvious parallel is a sexual one - though here there is fulfilment and renewal - rather than loss, not virgin transience, but splendour and joy. No wonder there is envy :)

best

mac

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Re: The Holly:

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Nov 05, 2017 1:46 pm

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Hi Tristan,
nice and concise as ever,
though perhaps you could cut the second 'they way it' (replacing with 'offering')
and making the whole a single sentence?
(L2, possessive)
Perhaps 'begins anew' for 'starts again'?

Regards, Not.
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JJWilliamson
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Re: The Holly:

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Nov 05, 2017 8:31 pm

I also liked this poem, Tristan

I wonder what the sycamore thinks about the holly. That would make for an interesting juxtaposition.
Firebird wrote:I envy the sycamore
the way its leaves
glow before they fall. ...Interesting observation, given that the holly shines all the year round.
The way it offers
itself fully to the wind, ...These two lines represent the crux of the poem for me. Great. I think it's 'fully' that does it.
and for a while,
bares its trunk and branches,
then starts again. ...This line feels a bit flat and yet I like the sentiment. Maybe Something along the lines of sap rising.
Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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sleepystupid
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Re: The Holly:

Post by sleepystupid » Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:05 pm

Macavity wrote:
An option to play more with the human parallels by using proximity:
I envy that sycamore
the way those leaves
glow before they fall.
The way it offers
itself fully to the wind,
and for a while,
bares [s]its[/s] trunk and branches,......................................maybe drop one of the its?
then starts again.
The obvious parallel is a sexual one - though here there is fulfilment and renewal - rather than loss, not virgin transience, but splendour and joy. No wonder there is envy :)
this was very helpful for me indirectly, so thanks for this mac. i very much agree with the suggestion of changing L1 to "that sycamore". Usage of "the" made me think there was something about sycamores in general that I was missing that justified the envy.

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Re: The Holly:

Post by Macavity » Mon Nov 06, 2017 8:11 pm

Yes, I was unsure about the ending, but not certain or have any viable suggestion for expanding/detailing. JJ may have a key with the word sap.

best

mac

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Re: The Holly:

Post by Firebird » Mon Nov 06, 2017 9:25 pm

JJ, Mac, and Not,

Pleased you like. I like Mac's suggestions about proximity and will make the suggested changes. Not, I'm not really sure I want to do away with the second 'the way', as i think the repetition offers a certain emphasis and balance which I like. I am inclined though to agree with the point that the end falls a little flat. I wasn't so bothered by this though as I had thought it could be interpreted as dejection in the tone of the holly. I'm thinking again now though. I'll post a revision, soon.

Sleepy, welcome to the forum. I'm pleased Mac's comments helped. Lots of good advice here.

Cheers all,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Holly:

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Nov 07, 2017 1:08 pm

[tab][/tab]
Hi Tristan,
Perhaps L2 should start with a capital?
Is L6 doing enough?
(I think it would be stronger without it)

Regards, Not.
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Re: The Holly:

Post by Firebird » Tue Nov 07, 2017 3:04 pm

I think you are right Not. Many thanks.

Cheers,

Tristan

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the stranger
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Re: The Holly:

Post by the stranger » Thu Nov 09, 2017 12:14 am

A lovely contemplative poem, well written.

I'm really not sure that the break works though, to what end?

Another question and one I'd make on any contemplative poem: Do you really envy it?

Cheers
TS

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Re: The Holly:

Post by ray miller » Thu Nov 09, 2017 11:50 am

Don't holly leaves glow, or do they gleam? Dunno. Enjoyed anyhow. I'd prefer baring to bares.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: The Holly:

Post by Macavity » Fri Nov 10, 2017 11:01 pm

I presume the space replaces and for a while,, though perhaps the expression is more 'sexy' than the space for a passage of time.

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Re: The Holly:

Post by Pauline » Sat Nov 11, 2017 7:49 pm

Firebird wrote:
I envy that sycamore;
the way those leaves
glow before they fall.
The way it offers
itself fully to the wind,

bares trunk and branches,
then starts again.
Hi.
I love this.
Compact and straight to the point.
Couple of suggestions for you to take or toss.

I envy that sycamore.
The way those leaves
blush before offering
itself fully to the wind.

Bare trunk and branches,
then starts again.

You could even have
All bare trunk and branches and leave it there.

Great poem.
:)

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